I Want to Hold Your Hand Read online

  “Yes,” she said, feeling breathless and undone, and he’d barely touched her.

  “Tell me what you want, Hannah.” His voice was a raspy whisper that gave her goose bumps and made her nipples tingle. “I’ll give you anything you want.”

  “You. I want you.”

  He drew back to gaze into her eyes. “Are you sure?”

  “No,” she said, laughing nervously. “I have no idea what’ll happen if we try this, but I’m willing to try.”

  “Whatever happens is fine. Even if nothing happens. Okay?”

  She nodded.

  He caressed her face, his fingers moving lightly over her sensitive skin. “I thought about how best to approach this situation,” he said with a spark of humor in his serious gaze. Replacing his fingers with his lips, he placed soft kisses on her face while studiously avoiding her mouth. “I figured if we waited until later, you’d have too much time to think about it, and too much thinking in this case is a bad thing.”

  Hannah focused on drawing air into her lungs, riveted by his kisses and his words and the fact that he’d obviously given this some significant consideration, which she appreciated. Not that she could tell him that, because that would require words that she didn’t have.

  “Will you come to bed with me, Hannah?”

  Before she could answer, he finally took her mouth in a deep searching kiss that had her clinging to him, trying to get closer. He kissed her for what felt like forever before he drew back, keeping his lips on hers and watching her with those intense eyes.

  “Yes,” she whispered.

  He lifted her into his arms and continued the kiss as he walked to the bed and put her down next to it. “What the hell do we need with two hundred pillows?” he asked, chucking them aside with barely contained impatience.

  Hannah laid two fingers over her lips.

  “Are you laughing at me again?”

  She shook her head. “I wouldn’t dream of it.”

  He peeled back the covers, revealing smooth white sheets with eyelet trim. A hint of lavender filled the air when he unveiled the bed. Turning to her, he fixed his gaze on the deep V of her robe, and reached for the knot at her waist. “Still okay?”

  Hannah nodded, holding her breath as the knot gave way and the robe fell open.

  Nolan’s gaze heated as he ran a finger from the base of her throat straight down the front of her, sliding between her breasts to her belly, the massage oil smoothing the way.

  She appreciated when he pulled on the tie to his own robe, letting it fall open to her gaze. Hannah drank in the sight of his chest and abs as his hands came to her shoulders, easing the robe down over her arms. Closing her eyes, she focused on breathing as he unveiled her.

  “Still okay?”

  “Yes.”

  “Look at me, honey.”

  She forced her eyes open and looked up at him to find concern and affection and love in his gaze. “Are you sure?”

  Nodding, she said, “We’re going to mess up those lovely white sheets with the massage oil.”

  “I’m sure we’re not the first ones to mess up their lovely white sheets.”

  The comment made her laugh and eased her tension.

  With his hands on her hips, Nolan turned her to sit on the bed. “Do we need birth control?”

  “I’ve been on the pill since I was fifteen.” At his raised brow, she added, “Crazy periods.”

  “I haven’t done this in a long time, but I’ll understand if you want me to use a condom.”

  “I trust you, Nolan, or I wouldn’t be here with you.” She released the elastic that held her hair and reached for the lapels of his robe to bring him in closer to her. When he was within reach, she slipped her hands inside, covering his belly and sliding up to his chest while trying not to stare at the impressively large erection that hung heavily before her.

  She licked lips gone dry and tugged on his robe. “Take it off,” she said, summoning the courage she’d need to see this through. Caleb’s words echoed through her mind, bringing tears to her eyes. I want you to love again. I want you to share that wonderful, amazing, generous heart with someone else.

  Nolan shed the robe and stood before her gloriously naked, gloriously male, and Hannah wanted to touch him everywhere. He stood patiently while she ran her hands over him reverently, from chest to belly to hips to thighs. As he sucked in a sharp deep breath, his erection lengthened. Hoping to bring him some relief, she wrapped her hand around the base and stroked him.

  His fingers sank into her hair as his head fell back in surrender. “Hannah . . .”

  She leaned forward and slid her tongue over the wide tip.

  “Christ,” he muttered.

  Encouraged by his response, she did it again, running her tongue down the length of him and back up before taking him into her mouth. His moan of pleasure filled her with enthusiasm until she felt him tug gently on her hair.

  “This is supposed to be about you,” he said through gritted teeth. “How did I lose control so quickly?”

  She reached for him and lay back on the bed, bringing him with her. “It’s supposed to be about us.”

  He came down on top of her, holding himself up on bent elbows.

  Hannah smoothed her hands over his back as the heat of his body warmed her.

  “That’s my idea of a relaxing massage,” he said. “Apparently it’s all about getting the right masseuse.”

  She kneaded the tension from his neck, drawing a groan from him as he kissed her softly at first and with growing passion as she responded to the deep thrusts of his tongue. His kisses set her on fire and cleared her mind of everything except the sublime pleasure that came with holding him and kissing him, despite the hard, insistent press of his erection against her belly that reminded her of where this was leading.

  Breaking away from her mouth, he kissed his way to her breasts, cupping and shaping them for his lips. He worshiped each breast, drawing and sucking on her nipples until they were hard and tight. “Still okay?”

  “Mmm.” She combed her fingers through his hair, letting him sweep her away on a wave of desire that required her full attention and left no room for memories or regrets or guilt.

  Propped on arms that bulged with muscles, he moved down to kiss her belly and below. And then he was kneeling on the floor and sliding his hands over her inner thighs, opening her to his mouth and lips.

  The shock of his tongue against her most sensitive flesh shot through her like lightning, quickening her breathing along with the already rapid beat of her heart. He slid his fingers into her at the same second he sucked hard on her clit, detonating a release she felt from the tingling in her scalp to the burn at the bottom of her feet.

  She had barely recovered when he was above her again, looking down at her with fire in his eyes as he kissed her lips and entered her, slowly and carefully, but insistently, too, as if he knew if he gave her too much time to think about what she was doing she might not be able to do it.

  Consumed by the stretching burn of his entry, Hannah wrapped her arms around his neck and held on tight to him.

  “God, Hannah,” he whispered against her ear, setting off a firestorm of goose bumps and tingles. “You feel so good.” His fingers dug into her hips as he held her still until he’d worked his way all the way inside her, stopping then to kiss her. “Please don’t cry, honey. You’re breaking my heart.”

  She hadn’t realized she was crying until he said that. Drawing him down to her, she hugged him and breathed in his familiar scent.

  “Do you want to stop?”

  “No, don’t stop. Please don’t.”

  Pulsing and throbbing within her, he stayed still for a long time until her emotions settled and she began to wiggle under him, needing more.

  He seemed happy to give it to her, raising himself up on his arms to rock into her repeatedly, touching the spot deep inside that triggered wave after wave of sensation. Then he bent his head and captured her nipple between his tee
th and pressed two fingers to her clit, tripping her over the edge into another heart-stopping release.

  Her orgasm triggered something in him that had him gripping her shoulders as he surged into her, letting go with a moan of fulfillment uttered against her neck when he came down on top of her.

  Hannah wrapped her arms around him as he continued to throb inside her, still hard and thick and wedged tightly into her. The last thing in the world she wanted to think of at that moment was the last time she’d done this, but the memory crystallized in her mind, a vision of Caleb’s face above her as he gripped her hands and came inside her for the last time before his deployment. They’d spent two full days in bed, wrapped up in each other, getting up only to eat and shower before going back for more.

  She didn’t want to think about that now, but she couldn’t push the memory away. It refused to budge.

  Nolan must’ve sensed her distress because he raised his head and looked down at her. “Hannah . . . Look at me, honey.”

  She forced her gaze up to meet his.

  “I love you. Focus on me. Hold on to me.”

  As he said the words, he began to move again, slowly, less urgently, the gentle glide of his flesh against hers once again requiring her full attention. The memory became less focused as she stared up at Nolan, watching a range of emotions play out on his face—desire, concern, love.

  He loved her. She’d known of course, but to hear him say the words when she most needed to hear them had gotten her through the crisis.

  “Hold on to me, Hannah. I’ll never let you go.”

  She gripped his shoulders, her fingers digging into his flesh as he picked up the pace, his hands holding her bottom tightly to keep her in place for his deep strokes. And then he was kissing her, the thrusts of his tongue mimicking the deep thrusts of his cock, and the combination took her right back to the brink of release.

  She teetered until he pressed his fingers between her legs and sent her over, going with her on a wild ride that had them clinging to each other through the storm.

  Nolan withdrew and rolled to the side, bringing her with him.

  As she was using him for a pillow, she could hear his pounding heartbeat as his chest rose and fell quickly, the scent of the massage oil filling the air around them. He put his other arm around her, securing her to his side.

  After a long silence, he said, “Talk to me, Hannah. Tell me everything you’re thinking.”

  “Everything?”

  “Everything.”

  She flattened her hand on his belly and felt his abs ripple beneath her palm. “I’m thinking that was amazing.”

  “On that we agree. What else?”

  “I’m thinking that the smell of massage oil will always remind me of being here with you.”

  “What else?”

  Her hand glided over his stomach, aided by the slight sheen of perspiration and the residual oil. “You said you love me.”

  “I do. I have for a long time.”

  “I know. I love you, too.” She tipped her head so she could see his face. “You know that, don’t you?”

  “I know you love me as a good friend.”

  “I love you as so much more than that, Nolan, or I wouldn’t be lying naked in your arms.”

  The hand cupping her shoulder tightened and his lips pressed against her forehead. “There’s only one thing you could give me that would mean more to me than your love, Hannah.”

  “What’s that?”

  “Your trust.”

  “You have that. You know you do.”

  “Then tell me what else you were thinking about.”

  He saw her so clearly, which made her feel naked emotionally as well as physically. “The last time I was with Caleb,” she said softly. “I didn’t want to think about that, especially not now, but the memory popped into my head and wouldn’t go away.”

  “I thought of him, too.”

  Surprised by his confession, Hannah said, “What about him?”

  Nolan raised his arm and ran his fingers through his hair. “I hoped he’d forgive me for what I was about to do with you. I guess I’ll find out when our paths cross in the afterlife.”

  “Would you mind grabbing my bag for me?”

  “Now?”

  She nodded. “Please.”

  “Sure.”

  They disentangled their limbs and he got up, striding confidently across the room like it was no big deal to walk around naked in front of her. Hannah took advantage of the opportunity to check out the chiseled muscles on his back and the round cheeks of his ass. She’d like to bite him there, she thought, immediately mortified by where her thoughts had gone.

  “Why are you blushing?” he asked when he dropped her weekend bag on the far side of the bed.

  “I’m not.”

  “Yes, you are. Now tell me why. You’re trusting me, remember?”

  “I was admiring your backside.”

  “Is that right?”

  “Uh-huh. It was giving me all kinds of ideas.”

  “Such as?” As he stood by the bed looking down at her, his cock twitched and lengthened.

  Hannah wanted to crawl under the pillow and hide from the challenging look he sent her way, but instead she looked him square in the eyes. “Let’s just say there were teeth involved.”

  His breath escaped through his lips in a hiss of surprise that made his eyes go dark as his erection surged. He stretched out next to her, facedown on the bed, looking over his shoulder at her, the dare obvious in his eyes. “Do it.”

  In her family, backing down from a dare meant weeks of ridicule. Hannah released the tight hold she had on the bedcovers and let them fall to her waist, watching his gaze shift to her breasts. She leaned over his back, kissing a trail over rigid muscle to the dimpled indents at the base of his spine before continuing on to her target, tormenting him with open mouth kisses over both taut cheeks before finally taking a bite of the right one.

  He gasped and fisted the sheets. “Do it again.” His voice was gruff and raspy with desire.

  She marked the other side with her teeth, and he groaned.

  “Turn over.”

  “Hannah . . .”

  “Turn over.”

  His muscles flexed as he complied with her order. When he was settled on his back, he watched her with hooded eyes, waiting to see what she would do.

  Hannah knelt between his legs, running her hands over his thighs as she eyed the formidable erection lying on his belly.

  “Come here,” he said, holding out his arms to her.

  She stretched out on top of him, and sighed with contentment when he wrapped his arms tightly around her.

  “You’re full of surprises,” he said.

  “I have to keep you guessing.”

  His rumbling chuckle made her smile. “So far so good.”

  After a long period of quiet, she said, “What’re you thinking about?”

  “You and how awesome it is to be with you this way. And I can’t help thinking about Caleb and hoping he’d approve.”

  “I want to show you something.”

  “More tricks?”

  “Not now. Maybe later.”

  “Oh something to look forward to. What do you want to show me?”

  “A letter.”

  “Okay . . .”

  “From Caleb.”

  “Oh.”

  Hannah lifted her head from his chest so she could see his face, which was unreadable at the moment. “Amelia gave it to me the other day. Apparently, he’d asked her to hold on to it until she felt I was ready for it.”

  “Oh God, Hannah. Why didn’t you say something? I could’ve . . . I don’t know . . . I would’ve been there when you read it. If you wanted me to.”

  “You’re sweet to worry, but it was something I needed to do myself. I hope you understand.”

  “I do. Of course I do. You don’t have to show it to me. That’s between you and him.”

  “It is, but I want to share it with
you because I think it’ll help for you to know what he wanted for me.”

  “If you’re sure.”

  “I am.” She reached for the bag he’d put on the other side of the bed and unzipped the pocket where she’d stashed the letter. When she handed the pages to him, she settled next to him, curled into the crook of his arm so she could read it again with him.

  He grunted out a laugh at Caleb’s opening line about admitting he was wrong about something, but then Nolan’s breathing slowed as his eyes flew over the first page and then the second. When he was done, his eyes closed and he released a deep, shuddering breath and then folded the pages and gave them back to her.

  Hannah stashed the letter in her bag.

  “I said this to you when it happened, but I feel like I need to say it again. I’m so sorry for your loss.”

  Touched by his words, Hannah kissed his cheek and then his lips. “And I’m sorry for yours.”

  “It was so him, you know? Sounded like him . . .”

  “Yes.”

  “Reading that was a punch to the gut for me, so I can’t imagine what it was like for you.”

  “It wasn’t the easiest thing I ever did, but Amelia chose the right time to give it to me. I was ready for it now in a way I wouldn’t have been before now, before I knew it was actually possible for me to love someone else.”

  “Is that why you’d been crying earlier?”

  She nodded. “I didn’t feel right leaving with you until I’d taken that last step with him, and it was hard.”

  His arms banded around her, crushing her to his chest. “Thank you for sharing it with me and for letting me know that Caleb wanted this for you. I don’t know if he would’ve wanted it for you with me . . .”

  “Why not you? He loved you.”

  “I know he did, but he might’ve preferred you to fall for someone he hadn’t known.”

  “He didn’t specify, Nolan. He didn’t set limits on who I was allowed to fall for. He trusted me to know what was best for me—and who was best for me.”

  “And that’s me?”

  “Who else could it ever be? We’ve been dancing around this for years. In the back of my mind, I knew all along that when I was ready, you’d be there for me.”

  “You might’ve mentioned that to me.”