Ravenous, A Tame Quantum Novel (Quantum Series Book 5) Read online

  I love the way he watches over me, gauging my every reaction, and that we talked about everything beforehand, so nothing is a surprise. I’ve been intimate with him for only a few days, and we’ve already talked more about sex than I have with every other man who came before him combined. Not that there were legions of them, but enough to know that the chemistry between Jasper and me is unusual—and exceptional.

  I must’ve screamed, because afterward, my throat is achy. He’s on top of me, and we’re both breathing hard and fast as our bodies throb and tremble in the aftermath. After a long period of silence, he withdraws from me and begins to release my bindings before gathering me into his arms and covering me with a blanket.

  “Take a drink,” he says, holding a bottle of water to my lips.

  My mouth is incredibly dry, and I take greedy sips from the bottle.

  He brushes the hair back from my face and gazes down at me.

  I’m so tired, I can barely keep my eyes open, but I don’t want to lose this fragile connection to him.

  “Are you okay?”

  “Mmmm.”

  “Words, darling. I need words.”

  “I’m okay.”

  “How do you feel?”

  “Good. Really good.”

  “Okay, love,” he says with a sigh that might be relief, “you can rest for a bit before we go home.”

  I’m warm and comfortable, and I don’t want to even think about moving. “We should just stay here.”

  “You won’t want to be here in the morning.”

  “I hate when you’re practical.”

  Smiling, he moves me from his lap to the bed and then kisses a slow path down the front of me. “What if we made a baby here tonight?” he asks.

  I’ve been so taken in by the club, the kink, the atmosphere and the scene with Jasper that I actually forgot about our project for a brief time. That’s a testament to his skill, because I didn’t think anything could make me forget about that. But now that he mentions the possibility, the yearning comes back with such ferocity, it leaves me reeling.

  I lean against him, not wanting to leave the warm comfort of his embrace, even for a short time. In my right mind, I’d probably be worried about how attached to him I’m getting as one experience after another adds up to so much more than I’ve ever had with any man. Even though I know he doesn’t want the same things I do, I wish I could keep him for a lot longer than it’ll take to make our baby.

  The thought of letting him go after our project is successfully completed brings new tears to my eyes. Sometimes life can be so exquisitely unfair.

  “Are you hurting, love?” he asks, misinterpreting the shine in my eyes.

  “Not at all. I feel quite divine, in fact.”

  “Is that so?”

  “Uh-huh.”

  As if I’m a toddler, he dresses me. Then he dresses himself and offers me a hand to lead me from the room. We run into Devon on the way out.

  “How was your evening?” he asks, his gaze trained on me.

  “Wonderful,” I reply.

  Jasper’s hand tightens on my shoulder.

  I look up to find him watching me with that fierce intensity I’m beginning to expect from him.

  “I hope you’ll come back to see us again sometime, Ellie.”

  I accept his outstretched hand. “I’d love to. Thank you for having me.”

  “Any friend of Jasper’s is a friend of mine.” He drops a kiss on the back of my hand. “Drive safely.”

  “Thanks again, Devon,” Jasper says.

  “Any time, my friend.”

  The valet has Jasper’s car waiting in the carport, and he helps me into the passenger side. It’s a good thing I’m not required to drive us home, because I don’t think I could if I had to.

  “Why do I feel so buzzed when I didn’t have anything to drink?”

  “That’s the comedown,” he says. “You went pretty deep into subspace for a while there.”

  I glance at the clock and am shocked to see that it’s 2:10. As in 2:10 a.m.? How in the hell did that happen? I’m going to be a total disaster—again—tomorrow. “We were in that room a long time.”

  “A couple of hours.”

  “It didn’t seem that long, but I remember thinking at one point that I had no idea how long we’d been there.”

  “It’s not uncommon for subs to lose track of time and place and to feel almost drunk after the huge rush of endorphins. It’s entirely normal.”

  “Maybe for you, but it’s all new to me.”

  “You were amazing, Ellie. So trusting and accepting. You’ll never know what it meant to me to share that part of myself with you. So often I have to keep it hidden from people, and to know I can be myself with you…” He blows out a deep breath. “It’s huge.”

  “I always want you to be yourself with me.” His jaw pulses and twitches, and I reach over to stroke his face. “What’s this about?”

  “So many things. I’ve told you about my kink, but I’ve been keeping other secrets, things you should know.”

  “About your family, you mean?”

  He takes his eyes off the road to glance over at me. “What do you know?”

  “That you’re Henry Kingsley’s son and heir to his dynasty.”

  His hand tightens around the steering wheel. “You looked me up after you saw my real name on the legal documents.”

  “Are you angry?”

  “No, of course not. I knew it was possible you’d be curious when you saw my name.”

  “You’re keeping some pretty big secrets from the people you’re closest to.”

  “Not because I don’t want you guys to know. That’s not it at all.”

  “Then why? Did you think we wouldn’t understand?”

  “No.” He draws in a deep breath and releases it in a long sigh. “I guess I keep hoping if I pretend like it isn’t happening, my father will find someone better suited to be his heir. So far, no such luck.”

  “You don’t want it.”

  “Hell, no, I don’t want it. I’ve never wanted it, and he knows that. But it doesn’t matter. He’s going to saddle me with it anyway. It’s my birthright. Lucky me.”

  The bitterness in his tone is so unlike the happy-go-lucky man I know so well that it’s almost shocking. “Where do people in England think Jasper Kingsley is?”

  “He’s known as a reclusive inventor, working out of his workshop at his father’s estate in Cornwall. He hasn’t been seen in years. I created the cover story when I went to USC. I leaked it to a few reporters, and it took on a life of its own. Thankfully, there’s no interest in reclusive inventors in England.”

  “Has it ever occurred to you that you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do?”

  “Only every day of my life, but declaring you don’t want something and turning your back on centuries of history and obligation isn’t something one does lightly.”

  “I wouldn’t expect you to do it lightly, but you can do it. You know that, don’t you?”

  “I’ve always known that I could just say no, but I can’t, for the bloody life of me, bring myself to actually do it. You know? I tried to be a good son, a son he could be proud of. I excelled in school, in sports, in everything except finance, the one thing he actually cares about. It’s like none of the other stuff I’ve accomplished even matters to him. Can you imagine your child winning the top award in his or her field and you not even picking up the phone?”

  “No, I can’t.” My heart breaks for him. He’s tried so hard to please his father and has fallen short every time.

  “I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised. I turned my back on him the day I left for USC to study film. At least that’s how he sees it. Why should it matter what he thinks of me?”

  I reach for his hand and hold it between both of mine. “It matters because he’s your father, and you want him to be proud of you.”

  “I hate myself for caring about whether or not he’s proud. I absolutely hate it.�
�� After a long pause, he says, “Sometimes I think my need for kink arose from wanting to feel like I was in control of something when so many other things are out of my hands. I’m living this fantasy existence here in LA that’s going to be yanked away from me someday without warning. In the meantime, I control my career and how I take my pleasure. The rest is up to fate to decide for me.”

  “I can’t imagine living with something like that hanging over my head.”

  “Welcome to my world, love.”

  “This is why you signed away custody to our baby before he or she is even conceived.”

  “You’re damned right it is. There’s no way in hell I’d ever consign my child to having his fate decided for him before he’s even born. No fucking way.”

  Tears fill my eyes and spill down my cheeks, surprising me with their sudden appearance.

  “Don’t cry for me, darling. Please don’t.”

  “I can’t help it. It makes me so sad that you have to miss out on everything because of something you don’t even want.”

  A few minutes later, he brings the car to a stop outside my house and reaches for me. “I can’t bear to see you cry.”

  “I can’t bear to see you so burdened.”

  Cupping my face, he kisses away my tears before brushing his lips lightly over mine.

  “There has to be something you can do, Jasper.”

  “Not without turning my back on the rest of my family along with hundreds of years of tradition, or at least that’s how my father would view the biggest scandal to ever hit Fleet Street.”

  “So what? You’d weather the storm and then you go on with your life. Your mother and sisters will still love you. Of course they will. How could they not?”

  “Don’t think I haven’t considered it. Of course I have, every day of my bloody life. I lack the courage to put thought into action.”

  “I wish…”

  His thumb wipes away another tear. “What do you wish, my love?”

  “That this was real. That you and I might have a chance…” My throat closes around the lump that settles there.

  “One thing you must never doubt is that this, you and I, is as real as anything has ever been. If things were different—”

  I shake my head and place a finger over his lips. “Please don’t say it. Please.” I can’t bear to think of all the things we might’ve had if only he were free of the legacy that entrapped him the day he was born. It’s so blindingly unfair that it’s all I can do not to scream from the utter madness of it.

  He puts his arms around me and holds me as close as he can within the tight confines of the car. It’s not enough. It’ll never be enough, and the thought of him being ripped away from me, from our child, from his life in LA, from Quantum…

  “Stay,” I whisper. “Stay with me tonight. Stay with me every night for as long as you can.”

  The sound that comes from him is a cross between a groan and a moan. And then he’s kissing me with wild desperation, as if I’m his last, great hope, and he’s clinging to me in a sea of uncertainty. When we come up for air, many minutes later, the windows are steamed up, which makes me giggle.

  My emotions are all over the place—from despair to desire to amusement and right back to despair when I remember that as lovely as this is with him, it comes with an expiration date.

  “I like to hear you laugh, love.” He runs his finger over my cheek, which is still damp. “And I never want to be responsible for your tears.”

  “You aren’t responsible. The situation is.” I look over at him, and when our eyes meet in the murky darkness, the powerful punch of emotion takes my breath away. “Will you stay?”

  “All the queen’s horses couldn’t drag me away.” He kisses me again with tenderness that brings new tears to my eyes. “Wait for me.”

  My heart is heavy as I watch him walk around the front of the car. Under usual circumstances, I’d be out of the car by the time my date tried to be chivalrous. Nothing about this night or this man is “usual.” I wait for him because he asked me to, because he needs to be in control of something. If controlling me gives him a measure of comfort, I’m happy to cede that to him. It’s the least I can do for him when he’s making my greatest dream come true.

  In the seconds it takes for him to open my door and reach for my hand, I realize something else. It’s him. He’s the one I’ve been hoping to find, and he’s been right in front of me all this time. That discovery right on top of what we did at the club and learning about his destiny makes me feel unmoored from everything I’ve known to be true and real.

  How will anything ever make sense to me again if I’m given this taste of what could be only to have it ripped away? I can’t let that happen. I have to fight for him, for us, for our child and the future we should have together, not the one that was determined for him.

  No one should have to live like that, least of all Jasper, who has a rare and special talent as a filmmaker. The idea of that talent going to waste, not to mention the life we might have together, is repulsive to me. As suddenly as I was filled with despair, I’m overcome with rage and determination to do something about this untenable situation. There has to be a way for him to have everything he wants. I refuse to consider any alternative.

  Chapter 14

  Something changed between us tonight. The feelings I have for her have deepened into something I might describe as magical if I believed in such things. I stopped believing in magic right around the time I figured out that my life had been planned for me. Until this with Ellie, the only place I’ve found anything that could be described as magic has been behind a camera.

  Now I know it can be found in Ellie’s arms, too, and it’s better than anything I’ve ever experienced. I’m already addicted to her and the way I feel when I’m with her. Nothing can compare, which makes my uncertain future that much harder to face.

  The future is the last thing I want to think about when the present demands my full and undivided attention. While Ellie lets Randy out into the backyard, I pour us each a glass of ice water. Randy comes dashing back inside ahead of her, as if he’s afraid he might miss something. I give him some attention and am rewarded with sloppy dog kisses to the face that make me laugh.

  “Randy, stop,” Ellie says. “Leave Jasper alone.”

  “He’s fine. I miss having a dog.” I don’t have to tell her that I travel too much to have a pet, because she and her team arrange most of my trips.

  “I keep thinking about getting him a companion, but I never seem to get around to it.”

  I hand her the glass of water and then touch my glass to hers. “Thanks for tonight.”

  “Thank you for taking me—in more ways than one.”

  I nearly choke on the water that’s halfway down my throat when she says that. “My pleasure.”

  “What do you suppose it means that I enjoyed what we saw and did at the club so much?”

  “I suppose it means that perhaps you’ve only begun to explore your sexuality, and how lucky am I to be on that journey with you?”

  “You feel lucky?”

  “That, my love, is very least of what I feel when I’m with you.”

  “Jasper…”

  “What, darling?”

  “You have to do something about this situation with your family. You can’t give up everything and everyone that matters to you.”

  “Including you?”

  She never blinks when she says, “Including me and our baby. We need you. Surely there has to be some legal step you could take to disengage yourself.” She snaps her fingers. “If King What’s-his-name could do it when that Wallis Simpson woman came along, you should be able to do it, too. He was the king. You’re only a marquess!”

  Only a marquess. It’s all I can do not to laugh out loud. She has no idea what that means in my family. Smiling, I take it all in—the flush remaining in her cheeks from our scene at the club, the lips swollen from our frantic kisses, the hair still mussed from being in bed,
and the fierce conviction on my behalf. It’s all I can do to contain the three little words that are bursting to break free. I love her. In fact, I’m beginning to accept that it’s quite possible I’ve loved her for as long as I’ve known her. Hearing her say she and our baby need me made my heart do backflips. “Ah, yes, good old King Edward, and what a rollicking scandal that was.”

  “They got through it, and they got to be together. Isn’t that what matters?”

  I place my empty glass on the counter and cross the room to her, placing my hands on her shoulders and leaning my forehead against hers. “It matters, love. You matter. This matters.”

  “But…”

  “No buts.” I take her glass from her and put it down before drawing her in closer to me. “We’re talking about disrupting my family’s primogeniture that dates back centuries, my darling.”

  “I have no idea what that word means, but what we’re talking about is you having the life you want rather than the one that’s been predetermined for you.”

  “The word means the right of succession that usually goes to the firstborn child, or the firstborn male child, depending on the family.”

  “Wouldn’t that happen anyway if you never marry or produce an heir?”

  “Yes, but it wouldn’t be a scandal like it would be if I said I don’t want it. No one does that.”

  “It’s the new millennium, Jasper. Why couldn’t it go to your sister, the one who works on Wall Street, who’s actually qualified to inherit your father’s estate?”

  “You’ve done your research, darling, and you’re preaching to the choir. My father is the one who’d need to be convinced, and he’s shown no sign of being willing to entertain the conversation. He’s even made it so that I’m not able to delegate the responsibilities he’s leaving to me at Kingsley Enterprises. I have to see to them myself, which is his own special brand of torture.”

  “What if you were to force his hand?”

  “How so?” I ask, intrigued and aroused by her passion.