Valorous, a Tame Quantum Novel Read online

  “Yes,” I whisper fiercely.

  “I’ve thought about this, you know.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “About what it would be like to tell the man I’ve fallen in love with what happened to me. I knew I’d have to someday, and I thought about how it would feel.”

  “How does it feel?” I have to know.

  “It’s freeing, actually, to share it with you, to no longer be alone with it the way I was for so long. For the first time in longer than I can remember, I feel free.” She adjusts the ice pack on my hand.

  “You are free, Natalie, to have and be anything you want, but you have to let me help you. I need to help you. Let me pay off your loans so you don’t have to worry about that anymore. Let me take care of you until you figure out what’s next. You can’t ask me to be someone I’m not. I have more money than I can spend in a lifetime. Let me use what I have to make your life easier. This is who I am. This is how I love you—I need to take care of you.”

  “You’re so sweet to want to do that for me.”

  “I’m not being sweet,” I say in a low growl that makes her laugh.

  “Yes, you are.”

  “No, I’m not.”

  “We can agree to disagree on the sweetness. As for the loans… Let me think about it.”

  “Okay.”

  “Did we just have our first fight?”

  “Fuck no. That wasn’t a fight. That was me behaving badly. When we fight, you won’t have to ask.”

  She smiles and hovers above me, her lips a heartbeat away from mine. “I love you even when you think you’re behaving badly.”

  “I did behave badly.”

  “No, you showed me again how much you love me by making my pain yours, too.”

  “I love you more than I’ll ever be able to show you.”

  “I love you just as much.”

  I bury my fingers in the damp mass of curls that frames her gorgeous face. “That makes me one lucky son of a bitch.”

  “We’re both lucky. No matter what happens, no matter what’s already happened, we have each other. And that’s more than I’ve ever had before.”

  “Me, too, baby.” I draw her into a soft, sweet kiss that’s all about love and affection. But then she runs her tongue over my bottom lip, and the fire ignites inside me. As if I’ve touched something too hot, I withdraw from her.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “I’m all wound up, sweetheart. It might be better if we just take a nap or something. If I touch you…”

  “What? What would happen if you touch me?”

  “I don’t know, and I’m afraid of that. You’re so incredibly precious to me. You have no idea how precious you are. I don’t trust myself to be gentle with you, and that’s what you need and deserve.”

  “I need and deserve you.”

  “Not like this.” The ice pack slides off my hand and hits the floor.

  “Flynn.” She’s on her knees next to me.

  I’m afraid to look at her because I always want her more than I want my next breath, but now… Now I want her desperately. I want to right every wrong that’s ever been done to her. I want to make every dream she’s ever had come true. More than anything, I want to make her mine in every possible way.

  Her fingers find the hem of her T-shirt, and then she lifts it up and over her head, leaving her bare except for a tiny pair of silk panties.

  My mouth goes dry, and every thought that doesn’t involve her exquisite beauty leaves my mind like water running down a drain. She’s a fucking goddess, and for some reason that I may never fully understand, she loves me. She’s given me the incredible gift of her trust, which fills me with guilt over the things I continue to keep from her. I don’t deserve her. That’s never been in doubt, but I want her anyway.

  “Tell me what to do. What do you want?”

  She looks at me like I hung the moon, waiting for me to tell her what I want. If I told her what I really want—her complete and total submission—I’d lose her and rightfully so. So I tamp down those needs and reach for her, arranging her on top of me with only the thin silk of her panties between us. She gasps as she comes down on my hard cock.

  I grasp her hips, trying to summon the gentleness she needs from the first man she’s allowed to touch her this way. She’s given me the most precious gift of her love and trust, and I want to be worthy of her. “The other times… have I done anything that scared you?”

  “No. I could never be scared of you.”

  I grit my teeth against the urge to tell her I could terrify her if I wanted to. But I don’t. I don’t want to, and I don’t say it. Those needs and urges have no place in this bed or this relationship. “What I said earlier, about wanting you here…” I squeeze her bottom cheeks in both hands. “Did he do that to you?”

  She shakes her head. “He talked about it, threatened me with it, but thankfully it didn’t happen.”

  My eyes close as I exhale deeply. “I’m so sorry I said that, Nat. I wasn’t thinking. I got carried away—”

  She kisses the words off my lips. “I want everything with you, Flynn. I want you to show me and teach me. Make me yours in every possible way.”

  If she knew all the ways I want her, she’d never make such an offer. “You are mine. No matter what happens between us, that will never change. I knew, the first time you looked up at me with those amazing eyes that saw inside me from the very first glance… I knew you were mine.”

  “About that…”

  “What?”

  “My eyes aren’t brown.”

  I have no idea what to say to that.

  “I wear contacts that change my eye color from green. And my hair is naturally much lighter. I didn’t want anyone to recognize me as April.”

  “Do you want to go back to being April now?”

  “No. She’s my past. Natalie is my present and future.”

  “You don’t have to hide in plain sight anymore. You can be whatever you wish to be, whomever you wish to be.”

  “I’m very happy being Natalie with you.”

  I reach for her and bring her down for a deep, searing kiss. Our tongues tangle in an erotic dance that quickly has me on the edge of madness. She’s like the finest of wines, the sweetest of chocolate, the most potent drug I’ve ever encountered. I want to turn her over and fuck her hard and fast until this craving inside me is satisfied.

  But I don’t do that. Rather, I force myself to remain still, to stroke her silky skin with reverence rather than greed, to kiss her with love rather than domination on my mind. I cup her breasts and tease her nipples. When her eyes close and her head falls back, I take advantage of the opportunity to sit up and suck a rosy red tip into my mouth.

  She screams from the pleasure and pulls my hair so hard I may have a bald spot. It would be well worth the sacrifice of a little hair to know I pleased her.

  “Let me hear you, sweetheart. Scream your head off. No one will hear you but me.” I run the tip of my tongue around the edge of her nipple before drawing it into my mouth again, sucking hard as I bring my teeth down on it, taking her to the edge of pain but not going too far.

  Her hips move rhythmically over my rock-hard cock. I reach between us to test her readiness and discover her panties are soaking wet. “Fuck,” I mutter, desperate to be surrounded by all that tight wet heat. I want to tear the fabric from her body, pin her arms over her head and take her. I want to possess her. But I can’t do that.

  “Nat.” I slip my fingers under the elastic and into the flood of dampness between her legs.

  “Mmm.”

  I move quickly to get rid of her panties and find a condom before I settle her back on top of me. “Is this okay?”

  She bites her lip and nods.

  If I’d had my way, I wouldn’t have touched her today, not until I’d gotten myself together. But if I’d rejected her advance, I would’ve done more harm than good. “You’re the boss, sweetheart.” It goes against everything I believe
in, everything I am as a dominant, to put my hands under my head, to yield the power to her, to remain passive while she takes charge, but I do it for her.

  She lifts herself up, just high enough to position my cock where she wants it. Then she comes down slowly, exhaling as she takes me in, her eyes widening, her lips parting, her breasts heaving. So fucking sexy. “Is that right? Am I doing it right?”

  “You’re perfect. Feels so good.” I have to bite my lip to keep my focus on the pain that sears my lip rather than what I’d like to do right now. I have to be calm for her, tender, gentle.

  It takes a good five minutes, maybe longer, before she takes me all the way inside her. She is so tight and so hot around my cock, which gets harder from the effort it’s taking to remain still and in control.

  Natalie lays her hands on my chest and gazes down at me, the look of concentration on her face beyond adorable.

  “Move your hips, honey. Like before. Ride me.”

  She pivots her hips, and I feel her tighten around me, her muscles rippling as she struggles to accommodate me. It’s the most incredible feeling, but I can’t help but think about the many ways I could make this even more incredible for both of us.

  “Flynn… I want your hands. Touch me.”

  I sit up and wrap my arms around her, bringing her breasts in snug against my chest.

  “Yes,” she says with a sigh as she curls her arms around my neck. “That’s so much better.” The new position sends me deeper into her, allowing me to reach the spot that has her mewling with pleasure. We settle into an increasingly more frantic pace, her fingernails digging into my shoulders and her hips swiveling. I love the ways she feels, how she smells, the sounds she makes, the way she clings to me as we make love.

  The love, I discover, makes all the difference. I can do this. I can be this regular guy with her, because I love her so damned much. I reach down to where we’re joined, and the light touch of my fingers to her clit makes her scream as she comes. I could make this last for an hour or more if I wanted to, but she’s not ready for that, so I give in and go with her, riding the waves of her release.

  She shudders in my arms, and our mouths come together in a deep, searching kiss. I kiss her for a long time, until I feel her trembling begin to subside, and then I turn us so I’m on top, looking down at her.

  Her eyes are wide and her cheeks rosy from the heat we’ve generated together. “So good,” she says softly.

  I nod in agreement.

  “Was it good for you, too?”

  “Nat, of course it was. It’s amazing.”

  “You don’t have to say that if it isn’t true. I know you’ve had so many other women—”

  I kiss her before she can finish that thought. “I’ve never had any woman that I love as much as I do you. That makes all the difference.” I kiss her again and withdraw carefully from her. “Be right back.” In the bathroom, I dispose of the condom and wince when my injured hand reminds me of the emotional breakdown earlier.

  I’m on a tightrope with this relationship, moving carefully to avoid a disaster, but constantly off balance as I navigate this difficult situation. On the one hand, I’ve never been happier in my life than I’ve been since Natalie came into it, making me feel like I’ve finally found the other half of me. But on the other hand… The other hand is where the trouble lies. It’s where the other half of my personality lives, the half I’m keeping hidden from her lest I scare her away.

  Leaning over the sink, I splash cold water on my face. My injured hand has begun to hurt, but I can’t take the time to care about that when Natalie is in the next room waiting for me. I have to stay focused on her and what she needs as we continue along this journey together.

  She’s the only thing that matters.

  After dinner, Flynn opens another bottle of wine, and we settle in to watch the Critics’ Choice awards on TV.

  “Do you wish you were there?” I ask an hour into the show.

  “Nah. It’s okay. I have the best possible excuse for missing it.”

  I smother a yawn. “Why does your category always have to be at the end?”

  “Because it’s the most important,” he says with a wink.

  I’m half-asleep by the time his name is called for Best Actor. Hayden goes up on the stage to accept the award.

  “I’m happy to accept this award on behalf of my friend Flynn, who was unable to be here tonight.” He doesn’t say why. He doesn’t have to. “Flynn asked me to pass along his thanks to the Broadcast Films Critics Association for this incredible honor. The making of Camouflage was an amazing experience for all of us at Quantum, and I have to say with complete objectivity, you got it right with this award. Flynn did the best work of his career in this film. Thank you for honoring his amazing performance with this award. I gratefully accept it on his behalf.”

  “That was really nice,” I say softly, pleased and touched by Hayden’s heartfelt words.

  “Yeah, it was.”

  We watch long enough to see Camouflage win the award for Best Picture before Flynn shuts off the TV.

  “So amazing,” he says softly. “We worked so hard on that film, put everything we had into it. To see it recognized this way…” He stops when his voice seems to leave him.

  “It deserves every award, every accolade. I could watch it a hundred times and still want more.”

  “You like it better than The Sound of Music?”

  “Oh damn, that’s a tough one…”

  Laughing, he says, “I’m fucking wasted.” I know he doesn’t mean drunk, although we’ve had a lot of champagne and wine today. This has been a very long day for both of us.

  “Let’s get some sleep.”

  When we’re cuddled up to each other with Fluff curled up in a ball between our feet, I release a sigh of contentment.

  “What was that for?”

  “It was a happy sigh. This was such an incredible day for you—”

  “It was an incredible day for us.”

  “Yes, it was. I’m so glad you know everything now.”

  “I am, too, but I would give everything I have to rewrite history so you never had to go through all that.”

  “It means everything to me that you feel that way about me.”

  “I feel everything for you, Natalie.”

  I fall asleep listening to his sweet words of love.

  Chapter 7

  We spend a late morning in bed and then pass a lazy afternoon by the pool. I had no idea it was possible to be this happy. I crave his touch, and he’s always willing to indulge me. I feel as if I’ve awoken from a long nap to discover the woman I’ve always been meant to be. Flynn has unlocked the door to my self-imposed prison.

  Tucked away in our own private paradise, it’s easy to forget what’s happening in the world around us. People are talking about me, about my painful past and about my new romance with Flynn. I can’t believe that I don’t care. Let them talk. They can’t touch me if I don’t let them. I refuse to sacrifice one second of my newfound happiness to those who would dissect the life of a rape survivor in an effort to gain ratings and clicks and to sell magazines. I have no time for them, and neither does Flynn.

  However, his publicist, Liza, has again suggested we do one sit-down interview to tell my side of the story and then never speak of it again. Flynn is still adamantly opposed, but I think we ought to do it. He’s promised me he’ll think about it, but I’m not optimistic.

  He’s been very tense and broody since I told him my story. I can see him making an effort to keep things light with me and to treat me carefully in bed. As great as it is, it’s different than it was before he knew everything. Believe me, I’m not complaining. Making love to Flynn is amazing, even when he holds back. But it’s different.

  I keep hoping that he’ll come to terms with what happened to me years ago and find a way to move on. In the meantime, I’m trying to be patient with him and to give him time to process it. I’ve had eight years. He’s had one day.<
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  While I eat a bowl of cereal on our second morning at Hayden’s beach house, Flynn is on the phone with Addie. I’m not trying to listen, but it’s hard not to when he’s yelling. I can’t imagine what has him so upset that he’s talking to Addie that way.

  “I don’t want to talk about it. I’m not going.” He runs his fingers through his hair as he paces on the deck. “Hayden can accept it for me if it comes to that.” His head drops to his chest. “I know, Addie. I know it’s my peers, and it’s a big deal. But this is a bigger deal. That’s all I’m going to say about it. I’ve got to go. I’ll speak with you later.”

  The phone gets jammed into the back pocket of his cargo shorts as he comes inside to join me.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing.”

  I tip my head in question. “That didn’t sound like nothing.”

  With his hands flat against the counter, he sighs. “The SAG Awards are at the end of the month, and she’s getting bombed with calls after I told them I’m not going.”

  “Why aren’t you going?”

  “You know why.”

  “No, Flynn. We’re not going to hide out like we’ve done something wrong. We haven’t.”

  “There’s no way I’m exposing you to that madness. No fucking way. And I’m not going without you.”

  I put down my spoon and push the bowl away. Going to him, I put my arms around him from behind and lay my head on his back. “You worked so hard for this, Flynn. The film means so much to you. You can’t miss out on the award shows.”

  “Yes, I can.”

  “You’re not missing it. If you’re worried about me, I’ll stay home and cheer for you from the sofa.”

  “I’m not leaving you home, and I don’t want to expose you to more bullshit.”

  “Will you look at me? Please?” I pull on his shoulder, compelling him to turn and face me.

  He does so reluctantly.

  “We can’t hide out. That’s not how I want to live.”

  “I can’t protect you from what they’ll say, the questions they’ll ask. They’ll violate you all over again.”