All My Loving: A Butler, Vermont Novel Read online

  “How so?”

  “She asked if she could hold her, and when she gave her back to me, I noticed she was crying.”

  “Did she say why?”

  “She didn’t, and I didn’t feel like I should ask.”

  “Could be just emotional overload after the fire. I’ve found myself in tears a few times thinking about what happened, what could’ve happened, what I might’ve missed. The worst part was knowing how tortured you’d be after what you went through after losing Jack. I hated doing that to you.”

  “Thank you for not dying. I very much appreciate that.”

  He gave a soft laugh that he instantly regretted. “I’m not going anywhere.”

  “All kidding aside, I love you. And I can’t wait for you to feel better so we can get back to normal in all ways.”

  “I love you, too, and I can’t wait either. We’re going to make up for all this lost time, so you’d better rest up.”

  Dani laughed and kissed his chest. “Get some sleep, tiger.”

  Lucas gave a low growl and kissed her forehead. He wasn’t sure how he would survive until he could do much more than that.

  Tonight has been interesting, Amanda thought on the drive home to Landon’s on dark winding roads. After he’d told her about Fred hanging out in the middle of roadways, Amanda found herself keeping a lookout for him even if she couldn’t see anything beyond the beam of the headlights. The fear that they might smash into a huge moose was better than thinking about the things she’d learned about Landon in the last few hours or the mini meltdown she’d experienced while holding Savannah.

  About Landon… Of course she’d understood that a handsome, sexy, charming man like him—and his equally adorable twin brother—would be popular with women, but to see it firsthand… That’d been rather jarring.

  She’d be lying if she didn’t admit that it had given her pause to see a woman throw herself at him and kiss him right in front of her, or to witness the behavior of the server at the pizza place. Though she’d played it down with him, it had rattled her, especially after the big step forward they’d taken together earlier.

  Was spending this time with him going to turn out to be another huge mistake?

  She didn’t know, and that uncertainty had thrown her off-balance.

  “Could I ask you something?” he said as he navigated the winding roads that led to home. His home. Not hers. She had no home to call her own, which was another thing that felt wrong since the fire.

  “Sure.”

  “When you came out of Savannah’s room, you looked really sad and maybe like you’d been crying. Were you sad?”

  “A little.”

  “Because of the fire?”

  She shook her head.

  “Do you want to talk about it?”

  “I… Not really, but I will. I’ll tell you.”

  He reached for her hand. “You don’t have to.”

  “I know.”

  When they got home, he came around to get her again, taking care as he had all evening to make sure she could safely navigate the treacherous terrain with her bad ankle. She held on tightly to the arm he offered and walked slowly toward the front door.

  They removed their shoes inside the door. Landon hung their coats and immediately went to tend to the fire.

  Amanda sat on the sofa and removed her sock to take a look at her ankle, which was far more swollen than it had been earlier. It was also badly bruised, from her ankle to her toes. Ugh.

  “That looks painful,” Landon said.

  “It doesn’t feel good.”

  “I’ll get you some ice.” He went into the kitchen, grabbed the ice pack she’d been using from the freezer and returned with that and a chilled glass of the Chardonnay she enjoyed.

  “Thank you,” she said, taking the wineglass from him.

  “Welcome.” He positioned a sofa pillow on the table for her foot and placed the ice pack over her ankle. “Does that feel okay?”

  “Feels good.”

  “Need anything else?”

  “Nope. I’m good.”

  He went back to the kitchen, got a beer from the fridge and came to sit next to her on the sofa, turning so he was facing her. “I’m sorry about the shitshow that tonight turned into.”

  She blinked and gave him a blank look. “What happened?”

  Sighing, he said, “You know what I mean. Don’t make me say it.”

  “Okay, I won’t.”

  He reached for her hand and linked his fingers with hers. “I’m sorry you were sad at Dani’s.”

  “It happens sometimes. I, um…” She took a drink of wine and glanced at him, trying to find the courage to tell him something she rarely told anyone. “When I was seventeen, I had a baby.”

  “Oh. Wow.”

  “I gave her up for adoption because I was too young to care for her properly. My mom had me when she was almost forty, and after having essentially raised two families, because my siblings were so much older than me. She said she didn’t have it in her to do it again.”

  “What about the father?”

  “He was a one-time mistake at a teenage party at a time when all my friends were losing their virginities. I was under the mistaken belief that I wouldn’t be ‘cool’ if I held on to mine. It was the stupidest thing I’ve ever done, and the result was just… It was devastating.”

  “I’m so sorry that happened to you.”

  “Thanks.” She wiped away tears that materialized any time she thought about that time in her life. “Holding Savannah was wonderful, but it was also a reminder of that time. I’m just a mixed-up emotional mess since the fire reminded me of all the things I’ve failed to do because I’ve been so busy avoiding anything that could ever hurt me like that did.”

  “That’s understandable.”

  “Maybe,” she said, shrugging. “But it’s no way to live. Thus my desire to go a little wild and shake things up.”

  “Do you know anything about her or her life?”

  “I get pictures once a year. She’s a beautiful twelve-year-old named Stella, with my hair and her father’s green eyes. She’s into soccer and dance and lost her adoptive father to a heart attack when she was seven. They’ve moved around a lot, but overall, she seems to have a good life in Albany, New York. It helps me to know she’s happy, and at some point, when she’s ready, her mother knows I’d welcome hearing from her.”

  “I’m so glad you’re able to know how she is.”

  “Me, too. Adoption has come a long way from the days when it was locked down and mothers could never know anything about the babies they gave up.”

  “It’s better this way. For everyone.”

  “I agree.”

  “I really appreciate you telling me. I know it’s probably not something you tell just anyone, and I’m honored you told me.”

  “I’m glad you know. If you’re wondering why I’m such a weirdo, that might give you some insight.”

  “I don't think you’re a weirdo. Not at all.”

  “I’m well aware of the fact that I can be difficult to get to know. I’m far more cautious than I used to be.”

  “Believe it or not, I understand that better than you might think. I want to tell you something about me now. Something no one but Lucas knows.”

  “Before you say anything, Landon, I just want to say… You don’t have to. Just because I told you about my daughter doesn’t mean you have to bare your soul. You don’t owe me anything. The time we’ve had together has been fun, and I’ve enjoyed it very much. But it doesn’t have to be more than that, if you don’t want it to be.”

  “That’s the thing.” He looked more serious than she’d ever seen him. “I do want it to be. More, that is.” Keeping his gaze fixed on their joined hands, he said, “I haven’t done serious before, and there’s a reason I’ve kept my distance from stuff like this and worked the surface with other women.”

  “You only have to tell me if you want to. Please don’t feel obligated.”
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  “I don’t feel obligated. That’s the least of how I feel with you.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “You’ve got me all wound up and spinning my wheels trying to figure out how to take the next step with you when I’ve never taken that step before. I talked to Hannah about it, and she said I needed to make an effort, to show you how I feel and what I want, but when I tried to do that, it turned into a complete disaster.”

  “It wasn’t a complete disaster,” she said, smiling.

  “Yes, it was! The last thing in the world I wanted was Chrissy throwing herself at me or Jessica pitching a fit because I had you with me.”

  “Those things weren’t your fault.”

  “Weren’t they? I’ve dated both of them in the past—and many others—and never promised any of them anything. I swear to God, I never promised them anything.”

  “But that didn’t stop them from hoping for more.”

  “I didn’t encourage that. They knew the score with me from the get-go, and if they changed the rules, they did it without my involvement. I’ve always been respectful toward the women in my life.”

  “I have no doubt that’s true.”

  “It is true. Just because they wanted more and I didn’t, that doesn’t make me an asshole. I was honest with them always, and not one of them could say otherwise.”

  “You can’t blame them for wanting to be the one who changed Landon Abbott’s mind about happily ever after.”

  He rolled his eyes at her gently teasing comment. “Whatever.” After glancing down again, he seemed to force himself to look directly at her. “I never wanted any of that stuff until I met you.”

  The statement hit her like a punch to the gut, leaving her winded for a second.

  “I went out of my way to avoid it because of something that happened to me a long time ago. And that’s what I want to tell you about. If you want to hear it.”

  “I do,” she said softly, moved by how hard he was trying to connect with her, to make her understand him better. She squeezed his hand, hoping to encourage him.

  “When we were kids, Luc and I had a friend named Naomi. She grew up with us, was in my class or Lucas’s every year and was just someone who was in our lives at school and outside of school. In middle school, we ran around with a group of kids, and she was always part of that crowd. What no one other than Lucas knew was that I really, really liked her. By the time we were sophomores in high school, my like for her had morphed into love that I had no idea how to handle in light of the fact that we’d always been just friends. With Lucas giving me a hard push, I finally asked her out, and she said she was so happy I’d finally asked. She said she was going to ask me if I didn’t ask her soon.”

  Dear God, he was adorable with the way he smiled at that memory. “That’s so sweet.”

  “It was. That day was, like, seriously, one of the best days of my entire life.” He drew in a deep breath and then released it slowly.

  Amanda felt like she should brace herself for what was coming next.

  “A few days later, before we got a chance to go out, she got sick. She had a terrible headache and a fever, and they thought it was the flu.”

  “But it wasn’t?”

  He shook his head. “Turned out to be bacterial meningitis.”

  “Oh no. Landon…”

  “She died after ten days in the hospital. I never saw her again after the day I asked her to go out with me.”

  “Oh God.” Heartbroken for both of them, Amanda blinked back tears. “I’m so, so sorry.”

  “Ever since then…”

  She moved toward him, the ice pack falling to the floor as she wrapped her arms around him. “I get it. You don’t have to say any more. I understand completely.” She understood better than anyone else probably ever could, having been there herself.

  “I’m not an asshole to women, Amanda. I swear to God I’m not.”

  “I know. I knew that before you told me about Naomi.”

  “It happened a long time ago, but it changed me.”

  “Of course it did.”

  “I’ve had years to imagine what might’ve been with her if things had worked out differently.”

  “You also have a benchmark.”

  He pulled back to look at her. “What do you mean?”

  “That’s a term we use in business to measure the success or failure of something. Naomi was your benchmark. You know how that felt, and you were unwilling to settle for less.”

  “Yes, exactly,” he said, sounding relieved that she understood. “For the first time since that happened, I want to try again to go there. Which is a pretty big deal for me.”

  “I’m very honored that you feel that way about me.”

  He smoothed a strand of her hair back from her face. “I was so happy when you let me bring you home with me after the fire. But then I didn’t know how to get back to where we were heading before that.”

  “Where were we heading?”

  His lips curved into the adorable smile that would be her undoing. “We were inching toward something, and don’t pretend otherwise.”

  “I won’t, and I’m sorry if I’ve been weird since the fire. It was just such a life-altering event. I’ve been spinning ever since, reevaluating my whole life.”

  “In what way?”

  “I’ve been making lists of things I’ve never done, things I want to do.”

  “Like what?”

  She thought about the top two items on her list and had to summon the nerve to share some of the bigger ones with him. “I’ve never found my Naomi, for one thing.”

  “What else?”

  “I want to learn to play the piano, drive a stick, have a baby that I get to keep—at some point, not immediately. I’ve never skied or zip-lined or been to Europe. When I look back at my life, there are more things I haven’t done than things I have done. I want to stop being so concerned about protecting myself from getting hurt that I miss out on things.”

  “So you’ve never been in love?”

  She shook her head. “Nope.”

  “Is there other stuff on your list?”

  “A few things…”

  “You don’t want to tell me?”

  “Not yet,” she said, giving him her best mysterious smile. “Some things are better discovered than discussed.”

  “Sounds intriguing.”

  She continued to smile as she shrugged. “I guess we’ll see.”

  “So where does this leave us?”

  “I believe it leaves us wanting to give this thing between us a chance. Am I right about that?”

  He leaned in closer to her, his intention clear. “You are.”

  Amanda placed her hand on his face, running her thumb over the stubble on his jaw, and leaned in to meet him halfway. “As long as we understand that I’m looking to shake things up, and I have no idea what that’s going to entail.”

  “I understand, and I fully support your desire to step outside your comfort zone.” He surprised her with a sweet, chaste kiss. “A lot happened tonight. You want to sleep on it and see what’s what tomorrow?”

  His suggestion was actually a relief. A lot had happened, and she did need time to process it all, but she hadn’t realized that until he said the words.

  “Yes, but under one condition.”

  “What’s that?”

  “Your bed is huge. There’s no need for you to sleep out here when you could be sleeping in your own bed.”

  “With you?”

  She gave him a coy look. “Unless you’d rather not…”

  Laughing, he said, “I’d much rather be with you.”

  “All right, then.”

  “All right, then.”

  Neither of them moved for a long time, awareness crackling between them like a live wire. The moment ended when Amanda blinked as she realized she was staring at him. “I, uh, do you want the bathroom?”

  “You can go first.”

  “I’ll be quick.”
>
  He helped her up and waited until she was steady on her feet to let go of her hand. “Take your time. I’m going out for some more wood.”

  “Okay.” Amanda ducked into the bathroom, closed the door and leaned back against it, taking a deep breath to calm herself after the intense discussion. Her mind whirled as she tried to process everything she’d learned about him over the course of this evening and to reconcile it with what she already knew.

  One thing was for certain—the more time she spent with him, the more intrigued and attracted she became.

  Chapter Nine

  “Have patience with all things,

  but first of all, with yourself.”

  — Saint Francis de Sales

  Landon went outside without a coat, needing to cool off before he got into a bed with Amanda. When she’d invited him to join her, his libido had surged from simmer to boil in a hot second.

  He wasn’t sure what it was about her that made her so different from other women he’d known. Maybe it was because she didn’t throw herself at him and hadn’t shown her entire hand at the get-go. She’d maintained an aura of mystery, which meant he’d had to work at getting to know her. The conversation he’d had with her just now was deeper than anything he’d ever shared with anyone. They’d both suffered traumas in the past that had helped to shape them into the people they were now, and it made Landon feel less alone with the painful memories of Naomi after sharing her with Amanda.

  He took a series of deep breaths as he looked up at the clear sky full of stars and tried to prepare himself to platonically sleep in a bed with the sexiest woman he’d ever met.

  “Yeah, sure, you can do this.” He filled his arms with wood he didn’t need because he’d gotten some earlier and took it inside. “It’s no big deal. It’s just sleeping.”

  After their heated kisses earlier, he’d assumed things between them would move to the next level fairly quickly.

  But then Chrissy and Jessica had happened, which had led to the conversation about the child she’d given up and what he’d been through with Naomi, and suddenly, everything had turned serious. He had whiplash from the series of events that’d transpired since he came home with flowers earlier. On the plus side, he’d wanted to move things forward with Amanda, and he’d succeeded in doing that. But nothing had gone according to plan.