I Want to Hold Your Hand Read online

  “Because if she knew, she wouldn’t have been making out with you in your office just now.”

  “We weren’t making out.”

  Hunter rolled his eyes. “Get real. No one knows her better than I do, and all I had to do was take one look at bright eyes, swollen lips and pink cheeks to put three and three together to get making out.”

  Nolan absolutely refused to blink. He wouldn’t give Hunter the satisfaction.

  “Nothing to say to that, huh?”

  Nolan shrugged. “I wouldn’t dare pretend to know her better than you do.”

  “You have to tell her about the racing.”

  “Why is that so important to you?”

  “Because she needs all the facts before she gets too far down the road with you. She needs to know about your so-called hobby.”

  “It’s more than a hobby, Hunter. You know that.” Their stock car team raced in a recreational league and had attracted the attention of a few sponsors. They had the potential to reach the next level but only if everyone on the team was committed. Nolan was as committed to the team as he was to anything in his life, but Hunter’s concerns had given him pause.

  “I do, and that’s exactly why you need to tell her. She’s had enough loss in her life. If she’s going to date a guy who gets off on driving in two-hundred-mile-an-hour circles just for fun, she needs to know about the risk she’s taking.”

  “It’s not a risk. You know how safety conscious my whole team is. I’ve been at this for years, and I know what I’m doing.”

  “You haven’t been driving for years. I’m well aware of how good you are, but she knows nothing about it. She couldn’t be more removed from such things if she tried, so you have to tell her.”

  “Not yet.”

  “Soon. Before this goes too much further.”

  “You won’t say anything before I do, will you?”

  “Not if you do it soon.”

  “I don’t appreciate being bullied into telling her something I’m not ready to tell her.”

  “I’m not bullying you, Nolan. I’m looking out for my sister who’s already suffered through a lifetime’s worth of grief. That’s all I’m doing.”

  “Fair enough.”

  “For what it’s worth, I like you two together. You’d be great for her, but you’ve got to come clean about the racing. She deserves to know what she’s getting herself into.”

  “I understand, but I need some time.”

  “A week. You’ve got a week to tell her, or I will.”

  Even though the ultimatum made him angry, he couldn’t argue with the rationale behind it. Hunter loved his sister and didn’t want to see her hurt. Nolan felt the same way about Hannah, and what Hunter said made sense even if it scared the living shit out of him. He couldn’t see Hannah sticking around for long after she found out what he did for fun when he wasn’t working.

  Satisfied that he’d made his point, Hunter turned to leave.

  “Hunter.”

  He turned back to face Nolan.

  “We both want the same thing, you know. We want to see her happy again.”

  Hunter nodded and stepped out of the office, closing the door behind him.

  For a long time after he left, Nolan stared at the classic Mustang calendar from two years ago that was pinned on the wall. He knew Hunter was right, but he couldn’t picture himself telling Hannah the truth about his racing obsession. Not yet anyway.

  • • •

  Hunter left the garage feeling oddly out of sorts. Earlier in the day, his dad had told him what’d happened at Hannah’s that morning. For once, his father wasn’t being gossipy. He was concerned about Hannah and wanted Hunter’s take on her and Nolan.

  It didn’t bother Hunter that she’d spent the night with Nolan. He loved Nolan. They all did. There wasn’t a more stand-up guy to be found anywhere. He was a good friend, fun to be with, loyal to the end and as trustworthy as all hell, even if he’d always been a bit secretive and closed-mouthed about his dysfunctional family. All that said, Hannah was his sister, his twin, his closest confidant, and Hunter would do harm to anyone who caused her a moment of pain—friend or not.

  After his conversation with Nolan, Hunter had intended to go back to work but found himself heading toward the diner instead. He was nothing if not a glutton for punishment. As he pushed open the door, he immediately sought her out, his gaze homing in on her as she poured coffee at one of the booths and then turned to face him.

  The impact of that face, those eyes, the high cheekbones, the bow-shaped pink lips, the long ponytail of dark blonde hair, the full breasts hit him like a punch to the gut every damned time.

  “Oh Hunter,” she said. “I was hoping you’d stop in today. I need to talk to you.”

  It took a second for his tongue to untie itself so he could reply to her. She wanted to talk to him? And why oh why did his foolish heart have to stand up and do a happy dance all because Megan Kane was happy to see him for once? Right in that moment, Hunter actively hated himself and his pathetic dancing heart, but he took a seat in the booth Megan gestured to and waited for her to pour him a cup of coffee.

  “I’m taking a break,” she called to her sister, Nina, who owned the place with her husband, Brett.

  “Sure, no problem,” Nina replied, waving to Hunter.

  Megan slid into the booth across from Hunter.

  He got busy stirring cream into his coffee—anything to keep from staring at the creamy complexion and big blue eyes that haunted his dreams night after night after night. While he was feeling hateful, he added his subconscious to the list of things he hated about himself.

  “I have to know if it’s true,” Megan said, her tone full of urgency that immediately put Hunter on alert.

  “If what’s true?”

  “That woman, the one from New York . . .”

  “Cameron?” he asked, suddenly not liking where this was heading. “What about her?”

  “Tell me she’s not really moving in with him.”

  The utter devastation on Megan’s face stunned him. If this whole thing weren’t so ridiculous, it would be funny. Here he was crazy about a woman who was crazy about his brother who was crazy about someone else altogether. Funny, right? Yeah, not so much . . .

  “Megan . . .” As much as he wanted her for himself, he didn’t have it in him to break her heart. “What am I supposed to say?”

  “So she is moving in with him.”

  “Yes.”

  Her sharp gasp and the immediate flood of tears made him feel helpless. “Thank you for telling me the truth.” She attempted a stoic expression that failed miserably. “I just don’t get what he sees in her. They have absolutely nothing in common.”

  Hunter had no clue how to reply. Did he dare attempt to spell out what Will saw in Cameron, or was he better off saying nothing? Before he could decide, she continued.

  “I mean, I guess she’s not ugly or anything.”

  Hunter choked on his coffee. Cameron was gorgeous and funny and warm and loving and fascinated by the Abbott clan as well as their business. He’d never seen his younger brother so happy or more in love.

  “I want to understand, but I can’t. She swoops into town and next thing we know he’s totally gone on her? What do we even know about her other than the fact that her dad is totally loaded? Is that what he wants in a woman?”

  Hunter could no longer hold his silence. “That has nothing at all to do with it, Megan. She doesn’t live off her father’s money, not that it’s any of your business or even mine. Why does anyone love anyone?”

  Her eyes nearly bugged out of her head. “He loves her? Like he’s told you that?”

  Hunter wanted to shoot himself for throwing that grenade into the conversation. “Not in so many words, but it’s pretty obvious to all of us that he’s . . . you know . . .”

  “What?” she asked in barely more than a whisper.

  “In love. Deeply in love.”

  Moaning, she dropped
her head into her hands. “Why her? Why not me? What did I do wrong?”

  He was stuck in the middle of a nightmare of his own making with no escape plan. “You didn’t do anything wrong. Sometimes things just happen, and there’s no explaining why.”

  She glanced up at him with a tear-stained face that killed him. As far as he knew, other than a random encounter years ago when they were right out of high school, Will had never encouraged her affections nor had he ever led her on. His brother’s lack of interest hadn’t deterred Megan from carrying the proverbial torch all these years. “Thank you for being honest with me. I appreciate it.”

  “I’m sorry it wasn’t what you wanted to hear.”

  She shrugged. “I suppose I’ll have to get used to it if she’s actually moving here and he’s in love with her.”

  The idea struck him out of nowhere and was pouring from his mouth before he could question the wisdom. “You know what might make you feel better? If you went out with someone else.” To his knowledge, she hadn’t dated anyone else in all the years she’d held out hope that Will might one day change his mind about her.

  “How would that help?”

  “It might get your mind off Will and give you something fun to do.”

  “I don’t know. Maybe. I’ll think about it.”

  He swallowed hard and went for it before he could talk himself out of it. “I’d be happy to take you to dinner sometime. Any time. You tell me when.” Oh my God! Could he sound any more pathetic?

  “That’s really nice of you, Hunter, but I don’t want your pity. I’m not that desperate. Not yet anyway.”

  Staring at her, his mouth agape, he tried to get his spinning brain to form the words. “I don’t pity you,” he said, sputtering. “That’s not it at all.”

  She shook her head. “I appreciate the offer, but I can’t see how it would be a good idea for me to go out with Will’s brother to get my mind off him. You understand I’m sure.”

  He understood a little too well. She’d never go out with him because of who he was to Will. Awesome. “Sure.” Hunter tossed a five-dollar bill on the table. “I understand perfectly, but consider it a standing offer if you should change your mind.”

  As he got up, she pushed the five across the table to him. “The coffee is on me.”

  While she was still focused on the money, he said, “I don’t pity you, Megan. Not even a little bit.” Filled with despair, he left the bill on the table, walked out of the diner and crossed the street to return to his office above the store, all the while thinking it might be time to take his own advice and go out with someone else.

  Except the only one he seemed to want wanted his brother.

  Sometimes life was truly a bitch.

  CHAPTER 8

  How did I spend so much time hating Caleb when he was capable of that?!? Oh my God, it was AMAZING! My friends told me it would be awful and it would hurt and all this other dreadful stuff, but I must’ve picked the right guy because it was none of those things. If we both live to be 102, I’ll never forget our first time together. I’m buying a new, bigger lock for the box where I keep my diary. If any of my annoying brothers ever found this, my life would be over.

  —From the diary of Hannah Abbott, age seventeen

  Hannah’s lips tingled for thirty minutes after she left Nolan and the garage. That was how long it took to drive to Caleb’s parents’ home on the other side of Butler Mountain. Her emotions were taking her on a wild ride today—the excitement of her new relationship with Nolan, her despair over Homer’s loss, the lingering pain brought on by her dream about Caleb, the tinge of shame at being caught sleeping on the sofa with Nolan.

  It didn’t matter that she was thirty-five years old or that she’d been married and widowed before she was thirty. All that mattered was that her parents had discovered them together long before they were ready for people to know there was something to be discovered.

  With hindsight it was clear that she should’ve known better than to let him stay, even with his truck tucked in her garage, away from Butler’s prying eyes. But it had felt so damned good to be held and kissed by him, to be comforted at her time of loss by someone who’d loved her husband almost as much as she had.

  There was also some guilt mixed into the emotional mess. Yes, she felt guilty for the way she’d kissed Nolan, not only last night but just now, too. She’d practically jumped all over him like a bitch in heat, rather than the respectable widow people in town knew her to be.

  Respectable widow. Were there any two words that conjured a more boring image of a woman in her mid-thirties who was just figuring out that she was, in fact, still very much alive, despite her unbearable loss? What if she no longer wished to be a respectable widow? She’d grown to despise the word widow and all it conveyed.

  Kissing Nolan was the most exciting thing to happen to her in years, and she couldn’t wait to do it again, even if it made her feel guilty to move on from the husband she’d planned to love forever.

  As she arrived at the Guthries’ tidy Cape Cod–style home, she told herself this wasn’t the time to be thinking about moving on or other men. While she might have that option, Caleb’s parents and brother would never get to move on with someone else, because they couldn’t replace him.

  A horrible thought occurred to her as she parked the SUV and turned off the engine. Was that what she was doing? Was she replacing him? The thought brought tears to her eyes for there was no replacing Caleb Guthrie. He’d been one of a kind, a bright light in all their lives who’d been taken from them far too soon. But as much as she might wish otherwise, he was gone and he wasn’t coming back. Spending time with Nolan wasn’t wrong if it made her feel happy again. Caleb would’ve wanted that for her, or at least she hoped so.

  They’d never discussed what she should do if he didn’t come back from the war, because he’d absolutely refused to acknowledge the possibility that something could happen to him, which was fine with her. That kind of reality was one she had absolutely no interest in until it was thrust upon her suddenly and violently on a soft, sweet May day almost seven years ago.

  This time of year always brought back the pain of that day. Every time the forsythia bloomed, she was forced to remember something she’d much rather forget. But just as she couldn’t bring him back, she also couldn’t forget the grief or the agony she’d endured for years. Maintaining that level of grief was exhausting.

  She’d always been a happy person, content with the little things in life. Joy had come easily to her until Caleb’s death snuffed out the joy and everything else that made her feel young and alive. Being with Nolan made her feel joyful again. He made her feel hopeful, which was another emotion she’d done without for far too long.

  A knock on her window startled her.

  Her brother-in-law, Gavin, grinned at her. Since he lost the big brother he’d worshiped, his grin didn’t light up his eyes the way it used to.

  Happy to see him, Hannah opened the door and let Gavin hold it for her while she gathered her bag and the item she’d brought for her in-laws.

  “Caught you woolgathering,” Gavin said, kissing her cheek. Like his brother, he was tall and muscular and wore his dark curly hair much longer than their army officer father preferred. His jaw was covered in scruff, and as always, his startling resemblance to Caleb filled her with yearning.

  “Good to see you, Gav.” She hugged him and held on a bit longer than she probably should have. They’d been to hell and back together and had struggled to maintain their close friendship after Caleb died. Whenever they were together, they were reminded of who was missing. “It’s been a while.”

  “I know. I’m sorry. Things have been hectic.”

  “Don’t be sorry. I know all about hectic.”

  “I feel so awful about Homer. That news hit me like a ton of bricks when my parents called last night.”

  “I’m sure it did. It was a tough night.” She glanced up at the handsome face so similar to her husband�
�s that she’d had trouble looking at him for a long time after she lost Caleb. “I dreamed about him reuniting with Caleb.”

  Gavin crossed his arms and looked down, but Hannah saw the muscle pulsing in his cheek that gave away his raw emotions. “I bet that was some reunion.”

  “Nolan suggested we do what Caleb would’ve done and have a big over-the-top Sultans funeral for Homer.”

  He looked up, the smile stretching across his face so much like his brother’s that Hannah had to look away. “I love it. That’s exactly what we need to do.”

  “We’re hoping to do it next weekend. You can come, right?”

  “I wouldn’t miss it.”

  “Good.” She hesitated before she said, “Do you think, maybe, you could say a few words about Homer and what he meant to Caleb and to the rest of us?”

  “I’d be honored. Thanks for asking me.” Gavin hugged her again. “I came over to check on my folks in light of everything . . . But I gotta get back to work.” He owned a logging company that had been very successful in recent years. Caleb would be so proud of the brother who was only eleven months younger than him—his “Irish twin” as their mother had liked to say. The two of them had been as close as any two brothers could possibly be, and his grief had been difficult to bear.

  “How are they?” Hannah asked, eyeing the well-kept two-story brick house with trepidation.

  “Hanging in. Just like the rest of us. What else can we do?”

  What else could they do indeed? “I’ll see you next weekend, Gav.”

  He kissed her cheek. “I’ll be there.”

  Hannah waved to him as he backed his big pickup out of the driveway and drove off. She took a deep breath of the cool early-spring air and headed for the mudroom door at the house where she’d been treated like a member of the family since the day she started dating Caleb. “Hello,” she called out, trying for a cheerful tone even though walking into that house was like a punch to the gut every single time.

  “In here, honey,” Amelia called from the family room. On most days, Amelia could be found in her comfortable recliner, needlepoint or knitting needles in hand. Today, however, she gazed out the window that overlooked the mountain in the distance. “This is a nice surprise.” She raised her plump cheek to Hannah’s kiss. “You and Gav in the same afternoon.”