It's Only Love Read online

  Despite the agony of what had transpired with Gavin, Megan’s thoughtful gesture reminded her that she was not alone. In her family, she would never be alone, and for that, Ella was especially thankful today.

  * * *

  Ella’s flight landed in Providenciales an hour after the others. She’d told them not to wait on her, but she wasn’t surprised to find Hannah and Nolan in the terminal when she cleared customs. He scooped up her bag and carried it to the car from the resort that awaited them.

  She hugged Hannah. “I told you not to wait.”

  “You’re not the boss of me. I’m the big sister—and getting bigger by the day. How was the flight?”

  “I don’t really know. I slept for most of it.” The empty seat next to her had been occupied by someone from coach, who’d been thrilled to get the upgrade to first class. Ella tried not to think about the thousand dollars she’d spent on a seat for Gavin that had gone to waste. She ought to send him a bill.

  “That might be a blessing in disguise.”

  “Everything hurts, Hannah. Every part of me hurts.”

  “I know, honey.” Hannah linked her arm with Ella’s as they followed Nolan to the car. “And it will for a while, but we’ll get you through this. We’re going to have a wonderful time here. A week in the tropics is just what the doctor ordered for all of us.”

  “I’m glad you’re here.”

  “I’m glad you’re here.”

  On the short ride to the resort, Ella tried to appreciate the brilliant blue sky, the palm trees, the gorgeous views of the water and scenery, but the dull ache inside had her full attention. It only intensified when she was shown to her romantic, seaside room with the huge king-size bed that reminded her of just how alone she really was, even with Hunter and Megan on one side of her and Hannah and Nolan on the other.

  A knock on the adjoining door had her opening her side to Hunter.

  “Hey,” he said. “How’s your room?”

  “Spectacular. How’s yours?”

  “Same.” He eyed her carefully. “You okay?”

  “I’ve been better, but I’m determined not to be a total drag this week. We’ve all earned this break, and I won’t spoil it for everyone.”

  “No one is worried about that, Ella. We’re far more worried about you.”

  She shrugged off his concern. “You all tried to warn me. It’s my own fault.”

  “It’s not your fault. It’s his fault. He’s a fool, and he knows it.”

  “Regardless of whose fault it is, it’s over, and I’ve got to accept that.”

  “It may not be over. You never know what’s going to happen.”

  “I think it has to be over. I can’t keep doing this to myself. What’s the definition of stupid? Doing the same thing over and over and hoping for different results. That’s me.”

  “You’re anything but stupid, Ella.”

  “I’d be completely stupid to stay on this merry-go-round any longer.”

  “Do yourself a favor, and try to put it aside this week so you can enjoy your vacation. Some time and space away might help to give you some perspective.”

  “Perhaps,” she said, saying what he wanted to hear mostly because she’d already made up her mind. No amount of time in the sun would change the irrefutable fact that she and Gavin were just not meant to be as much as she might wish otherwise.

  When a knock sounded on the other adjoining door, Ella went to admit Hannah and Nolan.

  “Ready to check this place out?” Hunter asked the others.

  “Whenever you are,” Hannah said, glancing at Ella, who nodded. If the alternative was sitting alone in the romantic room she’d expected to share with Gavin, then yes, a walk around the resort was preferable. “What about Will and Cam?”

  “They’re ‘napping,’” Hannah said, making air quotes around the word napping.

  The ache inside Ella intensified at that news. She wanted to be “napping” with Gavin, but that would never happen again. “Let’s go,” she said before she could break down into a sobbing mess like she wanted to.

  With the sun shining warm upon them, they walked on winding paths through lush, fragrant vegetation, past a crystal-clear pool with a swim-up bar that Hunter said he couldn’t wait to put to use. Beyond the pool area, they stepped onto sugar-white sand that was warm under their feet and walked to the water’s edge. Ella had never seen water so blue in her life.

  It was the most beautiful place she’d ever been, and the thought of spending a week here surrounded by happy couples who were madly in love suddenly seemed like the worst idea she’d ever had.

  She wished she were home on her sofa with Ben and Jerry, nursing her wounds in private the way she had in the past. Staring out at the endless blue Caribbean, she decided she’d stay for the wedding and then get the hell out of there on Sunday. It was a big week in the store. She’d be better off there than here wishing for things that would never be.

  * * *

  Ella was having a late lunch with her siblings and their mates when Dylan and his fiancée, Sophia, found them. His eyes danced with joy as he hugged each of them. He was tall, blond, muscular and handsome. Sophia was tiny next to him, and she, too, glowed with happiness and excitement. Ella felt small for being envious of a woman she hardly knew. What must it be like to be about to marry the man you love, to have all your decisions made and the future laid out before you with as much certainty as anyone could ever hope to have?

  “Thank you for coming so far, you guys,” Dylan said. “Means so much to have you here.”

  “It’s certainly no hardship,” Hunter said, gesturing to the beautiful view of the Caribbean from their table.

  “I appreciate it more than you’ll ever know.”

  Ella kept waiting for him to ask about Gavin, but when he hugged her, he only said, “I wondered if he would come. I didn’t tell anyone he might. Just in case . . .”

  She gave him a wan smile as she fought through her emotions. What did it say that even his close friend had expected him to bail, but she’d never seen it coming? “We tried.”

  “No matter. I’m thrilled you’re here, and we’ll make sure you have a great time.”

  “Thank you, Dylan. Sorry to crash your party.”

  “You’re not crashing. Not at all.”

  “You’re very sweet to say so.”

  He squeezed her shoulder. “Where’s Will? He’s here, right?”

  “The newest of the newlyweds are napping,” Hannah said disdainfully.

  “Lose the attitude, Mrs. Roberts,” Nolan said. “You’re going to be napping soon, too.”

  “Good napping or the kind where you actually make me sleep?”

  “Both if you’re very lucky.”

  Ella stood somewhat abruptly. “I, um, I’m going back to the room for a little while. I’ll catch up with you all later.”

  “Ella—”

  “I’m fine, Hannah.” Before she broke down in front of all of them, she walked away, certain she—and Gavin—would be the topic of conversation after she was gone. What did it matter? Let them talk. Hopefully, in a few months, everyone would forget they’d ever been together. Especially her. If only there were a pill she could take to wipe her memory clear of the incredibly special moments she’d shared with him. Right about now, she’d give everything she had for that pill.

  On the way back to her room, she ran into Gavin’s parents, who looked to be on their way to the pool or beach. She hadn’t really gotten the chance to talk to them earlier with the others all around them.

  Amelia hugged her. “I’m so sorry it worked out this way.”

  “So am I.”

  “I tried to talk to him,” Bob said.

  Ella squeezed his arm. “Thanks for trying.”

  “We want you to know,” Amelia said, glancing up at her husband
before returning her gaze to Ella. “We think you’re perfect for him, and I know it’s asking a lot, but if you could just be patient with him for a little while longer. He’s been different lately. We’ve both seen it, and it’s because of you.”

  “I’ve been patient a long time where he’s concerned. This didn’t just happen between us recently. It’s been stopping and starting for a while now. Since the summer.”

  “Oh, well . . .” Amelia seemed surprised to hear that. “Underneath it all, he’s such a great guy.”

  “I know he is, Amelia. He’s . . . Well, you don’t have to sell me on him. The thing is . . . I’m just not sure I can compete with his demons.”

  Bob put his arm around his wife. “We need to let the kids work this out on their own, hon. If it’s meant to be, it’ll be.”

  “We’re pulling for you, Ella,” Amelia said. “He was so happy with you. I have to believe he regrets not coming.”

  “Maybe so. I’ll see you later, okay?” She hugged and kissed them both before continuing on her way, feeling even more shredded than she had earlier.

  CHAPTER 26

  What we have once enjoyed deeply we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us.

  —Helen Keller

  Inside her room, Ella curled up on her bed, resting on her side so she could look out at the beautiful scenery. She couldn’t help but wonder what Gavin was doing, if he wished he’d handled things differently last night, what he’d wanted to say to her this morning. There was a phone next to her bed, and she could probably call him without too much bother and get answers to all her burning questions.

  She entertained that thought for a fleeting second before dismissing it. She was all done chasing him. No one could ever accuse her of not going after what she wanted or not trying to make it work. The thing was, she couldn’t make it work by herself. He had to want it, too, and despite his assurances, he apparently didn’t want it as badly as she did.

  With those unsettled thoughts swirling in her mind, she drifted off to sleep, dreaming about him and the magic they’d found during their two short weeks together. When she awoke hours later, the sky had grown dark, and her heart was heavy with the knowledge that she would remember every precious detail of those weeks for as long as she lived.

  A soft knock on the door between her room and Hannah’s got her up from the bed. Her sister was gorgeous in a floral dress that hugged her considerable curves. She looked lush and happy and well rested. “You look beautiful, Hannah.”

  With her hand on her rounded belly, she said, “I had to call in the tentmaker for this trip.”

  “The tentmaker does good work.”

  “Are you coming to the rehearsal dinner?”

  Ella leaned against the doorframe, exhausted despite her nap. “Would it be awful if I skipped it? I just don’t have it in me tonight.”

  “It wouldn’t be awful, but it might be better to be with us than here alone.”

  “I’d rather be alone tonight, Han.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “I’m positive. I don’t have a game face today. Hopefully, it’ll be back in time for the wedding.”

  “What about dinner?”

  “I’ll order some room service.”

  “But you will eat. Promise?”

  “Yes, Mom, I’ll eat.”

  “Sorry to hover, but I’m worried about you. We all are.”

  “Please don’t worry. I’ll be fine. I just need a little time to myself to process it all.”

  “I understand. Is it okay to check on you when we get back?”

  “I wish you would.”

  Hannah hugged her. “Hang in there.”

  “I’m hanging.”

  “I’m going to kill him when I get home.”

  “Don’t do that. Amelia would never get over it—and neither would I.”

  “Those Guthrie boys always were a handful. Some things never change. I wonder all the time if Caleb ever would’ve settled down into regular life after the army.”

  “Life after the army? Like twenty years from now?”

  Hannah bit her lip and shook her head. “He was going to get out after that last deployment. We made the decision before he left. He’d had enough of the deployments, and we were thinking about having kids.” She rested her hand on her belly. “He didn’t want them to grow up the way he did, moving all the time and always missing their dad.”

  “God, Hannah . . .”

  She smiled softly and shrugged. “Life’s a bitch.”

  “It certainly can be. I’m so sorry.”

  “Don’t be sorry. I miss him every day, but I’m really happy with Nolan. And I know you’re going to find your happily ever after, too. I know it.”

  “I wish I were so sure. I don’t think it’s going to be with Gavin.”

  “Maybe not, but there’s someone out there who’s going to appreciate the amazing, thoughtful, loving woman you are. You just can’t give up on love because of this, El. That would be the worst thing you could do.”

  Nolan came up behind his wife and rested his hands on her shoulders. “Is she hovering, Ella?”

  “Just a little, but it’s okay.”

  “How’re you doing?” he asked.

  “I’ve had better days, but I’ll be all right. I’ll see you guys later. Have fun at the dinner.”

  Hannah hugged her. “Love you,” she whispered.

  “Love you, too.”

  Nolan surprised Ella when he kissed her forehead and hugged her. “Sorry you’re going through this. There’re a whole lot of guys who love you who want to put a hurt on him right now.”

  Touched to realize Nolan was one of them, she blinked back tears as she drew back from him. “Thanks, but that’s not going to fix what’s wrong here.”

  “Maybe not, but it sure would make us happy.”

  Ella laughed and brushed away tears. “Go on and have fun. I’ll see you later.”

  After they left, Ella picked up the room service menu and looked it over. Though she’d promised Hannah she would eat, the thought of food turned her stomach, so she put down the menu. Maybe later. She went out to the deck that overlooked the beach and the vast Caribbean. As she leaned against the rail, the warm, soft air made her hair flutter in the light breeze. The sun dipped toward the horizon in a blaze of color that promised a spectacular sunset.

  In the courtyard below, a group of children chased a soccer ball around, all of them dressed for dinner with their hair combed into submission. Their laughter and excitement caused the ache inside her to intensify into a sharp pain of regret.

  Twenty-four hours after he turned down the chance to come with her, she was still trying to figure out how it had all gone so very wrong. Maybe she would never understand.

  The phone in her room rang, setting her heart to racing. Was it him? What if it was? Did she want to talk to him? Not really. Not yet. Only the thought of her parents trying to reach them had her dashing inside to grab the extension by the bed. “Hello?”

  “Is it true?” Charley asked without preamble. “Did he refuse to go?”

  Ella sat on the edge of the bed. “Yes,” she said, her shoulders sagging. “It’s true.”

  “I’m going to find him and beat the living shit out of him.”

  “No, you’re not.”

  “I really might.”

  “As much as I appreciate the sentiment, it won’t fix anything. In fact, it’ll make everything worse because then I’ll have to bail you out of jail.”

  “It’s worth going to jail. Are you okay?”

  “I’ve been better.”

  “I’m glad you went without him.”

  “I’m not. I should’ve stayed home. The last place I need to be is smack in the middle of someone else’s happily-ever-after. Not to mention our happily coupled
siblings surrounding me. After the wedding tomorrow, I’m coming home. I’d rather be at work than here.”

  “Said no sane person ever.”

  “I’m not feeling so sane tonight.”

  “What happened? What did he say?”

  “It’s not even worth repeating. It’s over. That’s the bottom line.”

  “I don’t get it.”

  “That makes two of us. Tell me some good news. How’s the baby?”

  “He’s so cute. I saw him again before we left Burlington last night. They were going home from the hospital this afternoon.”

  “How’s Chloe?”

  “Sore and cranky. She didn’t have much to say to us when we were there.”

  “And how’s Max?”

  “In love with his son and dealing with her the best he can. I don’t envy him this situation. And I don’t envy your situation.”

  “I have no situation. Not anymore.”

  “Ella, you can’t give up—”

  “Yes, I really can, Charley. At some point, enough becomes enough. I’d be a masochist to let this continue after what’s already happened.”

  Charley’s deep sigh said it all.

  “How was the store today?”

  “Crazy busy. Just how we like it.”

  “Good. Anything you couldn’t handle?”

  “Nope. I got it covered. Don’t rush home on my account.”

  “Thanks for covering for me. I’ll be in on Monday.”

  “Call me if you need me. You know where I am.”

  “Yes, I do, and thanks for checking on me. Don’t beat up Gavin.”

  “I’ll try to resist the urge.”

  “Bye, Charley.” Ella put down the phone and stretched out on the bed, which seemed to be the only place she wanted to be. Her limbs felt weighted, and her head was aching almost as badly as her heart. She didn’t really want to be home, where every corner of her life would remind her of him. But she didn’t want to be here either. How sad was it that she didn’t want to be anywhere because no matter where she went, he came with her. He was so deeply embedded in her heart that it would be a long time, if ever, before she left him behind.