How Much I Care Read online

  His daughter’s name is Everly! He’s as obsessed with me as I am with him! Now I’m swooning.

  I guess maybe my unreasonable excitement has to do with the bond we now share in the form of a wild little three-year-old who’s still here because of you. She’s thriving because of you. She has a chance to grow up and fall in love and have a life because of you. I get very emotional when I think about what you did and what it’s meant to us. I’m just so freaking grateful. I enclosed some recent photos of her so you can see her adorableness for yourself.

  Okay, enough about me being a weird, creepy, grateful, stalker dad…

  I laugh at his summary, loving him more with every word I read. I scroll down to look at the pictures because I’ve been dying to see the face of the child I helped to save. And oh, my heart. She’s absolutely perfect.

  About me—I’m a pitcher for the Baltimore Orioles.

  That’s it! That’s how I know him! He’s not just a pitcher, though. He’s a Cy Young Award-winning pitcher who won twenty-one games two years ago, including a near-perfect game that was scuttled in the ninth inning when one of his teammates fumbled a routine grounder. I know this because I’m a huge baseball fan. My dad and I have been following the Miami Marlins since I was a little kid, back when they were known as the Florida Marlins.

  My life is pretty crazy, and it became more so when my ex-girlfriend and I had Ev. That turned into a bit of a nightmare when I found out she was partying with other guys while I was on the road. The wife of one of my best friends on the team was able to prove that she was leaving baby Ev alone, sometimes for a couple of hours, while she went out. I can’t even think about that without losing my mind. That led to me getting sole custody of my daughter just as my career was really taking off. Good times, those were. Fortunately, my parents decided to retire early and move to live next door to us. They help me with Ev while I’m on the road. I don’t know what I’d do without them, especially since she got sick.

  I lost almost all of last season due to her illness. My team was amazingly supportive, and I’m super thankful to them, too. Not only did they continue to pay me while I wasn’t able to play, they made sure Ev had the best of everything—from doctors to private nurses and every form of support they could think to throw my way. It’s funny how your priorities change when the person you love most is sick. Before her illness, I couldn’t imagine missing a start, let alone most of a season.

  I have a whole new relationship with gratitude after what we’ve been through. My mom thinks I have a form of PTSD since Ev’s illness because I’m constantly worried about her relapsing or some other disaster striking. I hover over her to a ridiculous degree and overreact to every sneeze, sniffle and bruise. The team doctor hooked me up with a therapist, who’s been a big help to me as we adjust to life after crisis. As you mentioned in your last email, we were VERY careful this year. No one outside our family was allowed to be with Ev, and yes, today is also the day when we can lift those restrictions and get back to living. We’ll do so cautiously at first, of course, but we’re both ready to get back to “normal,” whatever that is. She can’t wait to go to the playground and to eat out in a restaurant, which is one of her favorite things to do.

  I’m not sure why I’m telling you all this. I guess it’s because I feel such a connection to you, and not only because of what you did for Everly (and me), but because of our earlier emails.

  Okay, I’ve probably said enough. Too much, actually. Haha. I won’t be offended if you decide to never respond to me again, but I’ll be sad to not have the chance to get to know you.

  I’ll stop now. Please write back.

  Love,

  Austin

  I devour his every word and am smiling like a loon by the time I get to the end. I look at the photos of Everly again, and then I google him because I can’t remember what he looks like.

  When his picture pops up, I go stupid in the head as my eyes bug and my mouth hangs open. Thank God no one is there to witness my reaction to hot male perfection.

  He has brown hair shot through with natural blond highlights, gorgeous blue eyes, a great smile and a body to die for, with sleeve tattoos on his arms and diamond studs in both ears. I can’t. I just can’t. Look away, that is. I stare at pictures of him in and out of uniform, with and without shirts. He has intricate tattoos on his chest that stop just short of the base of his neck and cover most of the available skin on his torso. I’ve never been a big fan of that much ink, but on him it’s just… Wow. My heart beats in a wild rhythm that has to be unhealthy.

  Who cares about what’s healthy at a moment like this?

  I call Carmen and put her on speaker.

  “Did he write to you?” She and Dee are the only ones who know today is the day I might hear from him.

  “He sure did.”

  “What did he say?”

  “Google Austin Jacobs, the baseball player.”

  I hear her clicking away on her laptop. “Shut. The. Fuck. Up!”

  “Right?” I’m screeching, but I can’t seem to stop any of this. It’s complete madness, and I don’t care. This is so not me. I’m always careful and reserved, especially since Scott, and here I am losing my mind over a man I’ve never met.

  “He’s the father of the child she donated to,” Carmen says. “I’m filling in Jason.”

  “He’s a superstar,” I hear Jason say. “I saw him pitch against the Yankees, and he was lights out.”

  “Mari? Are you still there?” Carmen asks.

  “I’m here.”

  “What did he say in his email?”

  I read it to her, absorbing every delicious word all over again, and copy the pictures of Everly to text to her.

  “Oh, wow,” Carmen says on a long breath. “That’s amazing! And Everly is so cute!”

  “What do I do?”

  “Write him back!” Carmen says, laughing. “You know you’re dying to!”

  “Ugh, I’m dying all right.”

  “Do it, Mari. You have nothing to lose. The man adores you. How could he not after what you did for him and his daughter?”

  “I’m all… invested. At an unhealthy level.”

  “Of course you are! You saved his child’s life. Before you exchanged a single word with him, you were at a whole other level with this guy.”

  How can I explain how his words have slayed me, the way he talks about his daughter, how big his love is for her… That’s what’s gotten to me the most.

  “Are you going to write back?”

  “Yeah, as soon as I calm the hell down and figure out what I want to say.”

  “Say this. Are you listening?”

  “Yes, I’m listening,” I say with a laugh.

  “Dear Austin, I love you. I want to marry you and have more beautiful babies with you.”

  “That’s not helpful, Car.”

  She loses it laughing. “Think of all the time it’ll save you to cut straight through the bullshit.”

  “I’m ending this call.” Mostly because my ovaries stood up to take a look around at her mention of having beautiful babies with him.

  “I’m here if you need me.”

  “Thanks, but I think I’ll be okay.”

  “This is so cool, Mari. Imagine if it turns into something, and you met him by saving his kid’s life. God, that’s so romantic! It’s even more romantic than me falling for Jason when I helped to save his reputation.”

  “Hey,” Jason says, “there’s nothing more romantic than that.”

  “Will you guys please stop? It’s not going to turn into anything. He’s a nice guy who appreciates what I did for his child. That’s all this is.”

  “Uh-huh. Okay.”

  “Gotta go.”

  “Invite him to the wedding!”

  “Bye, Carmen.” I press the End button and stare at my laptop screen, where the photos of Austin are in the background with his email front and center.

  I read it again.

  Dear Maria,


  I thought today would never arrive.

  Releasing a deep breath full of swoon, I click on the reply button and stare at the blank screen for a long moment before I begin to type, the words pouring straight from my heart.

  Dear Austin,

  I’m thrilled to know your name is Austin and that Miss E is Everly! I love that name. After seeing her pictures, I’ve decided her cute name suits her perfectly. She’s beautiful. Thank you so much for sending the pictures. I appreciate them so much and am so happy to see her sweet, smiling, HEALTHY face. I’ve thought of you two every day over the last six months, and I, too, was counting down to today when we could finally talk freely. I’m so happy to hear that Everly’s remission is holding and that she’s bounced back from her ordeal.

  Of course it’ll take a while longer for you. There’s nothing more difficult than seeing someone you love go through a serious illness. I can’t begin to imagine what it must’ve been like for you to have to face such a frightening diagnosis and treatment with your precious little girl. It had to be terrifying, and I think you’re wise to be in therapy to help you deal with the aftermath of that trauma. Everly is lucky that she probably won’t remember any of it. Whereas you’ll never forget it.

  You asked about me… I mentioned I’m a nurse, but now I can tell you I work at a free clinic in Little Havana, which is the area of Miami where I grew up in a huge, loving, overly INVOLVED (haha) family. My parents, Lorenzo and Elena, own a firm that does accounting and legal work for tons of local businesses. My dad is an accountant, and my mom is a lawyer, so they make for a good team at home and at work.

  My aunt Vivian and uncle Vincent (my dad’s brother) own a famous restaurant called Giordino’s, which is my last name (without the ’s). It’s a hot spot in Little Havana, and everyone who is anyone has stopped in there at one point or another. I waitress at the restaurant on Saturday nights because it’s fun, and it’s a nice supplement to my salary at the clinic. My aunt and uncle host family brunch every Sunday at the restaurant, which features Italian and Cuban menus, and separate sides of the house for each. My Nona oversees the Italian side, and my cousin Carmen’s Abuela is in charge of the Cuban side. They fight like cats and dogs, but Nona and Abuela are really the best of friends and would do anything for anyone. I refer to Abuela as my third grandmother.

  I stop myself when I feel like maybe I’m rambling on with stuff that won’t interest him. But he did say he wanted to know me, and to know me, you have to know my family.

  I have a sister we call Dee. Her real name is Delores, but don’t call her that unless you want her to punch you. She lives in New York City with our cousin Domenic Junior, and yes, he’s always called the full name “Domenic Junior,” to differentiate him from his father, Domenic Senior. His mother is my father’s sister, Francesca, and they have three other kids besides Dom Jr. I also have two brothers—Nico and Milo. Nico is older than me, and Milo is younger. You following this? Haha! Carmen is my best friend (and Dee’s), and the three of us have always run around together. Carmen is an only child, so she calls us her sisters, and we love that. She’s getting married next month to a pediatric neurosurgeon named Jason, who we all ADORE. He’s such a good guy. I really got to know him when he volunteered at the clinic, and I totally approve of him for my sweet cousin. This is her second marriage, after Tony, her first husband who was a police officer, was shot and killed on the job when they were twenty-four. That was such a tough loss for all of us, and to see her smiling again is just about the best thing ever.

  I feel like I’m going on and on here, but hey, you asked…

  True confession: I’m a huge baseball fan. My dad and I have season tickets to the Miami Marlins, and I’ve definitely heard of you. I think I might’ve seen you pitch a couple of years ago when the O’s played the Marlins in interleague play. Is that possible? I’ll ask my dad. He’ll remember for sure.

  Well, you asked for more about me, and I wrote a book! I guess I’ll just end by saying I’m so, so happy to hear from you, to know your names and more about you both. Mostly, I’m so relieved to know that Everly continues to do well. I have prayed for her—and you—every night since the last time we talked.

  Love,

  Maria

  I send the email before I can second-guess every word of it. I no sooner send it than I realize I didn’t tell him to write back. I really want him to write back.

  I open a new email to him with the subject line: PS

  The message reads: Please write back.

  I press Send before I lose my nerve. And then I try to figure out what the hell to do with myself while I wait to hear from him. I could reread his email again. I do that. Four times, actually, before I make myself get up, take a shower, finish my laundry, make my lunch for tomorrow, set up my coffee for the morning and stop obsessing about Austin Jacobs.

  My phone chimes with a text from Carmen. Did you write back?

  I did. I regurgitated my whole life story to him.

  All of it?

  Most of it about the family and the restaurant and you and Dee and the others. It was probably too much.

  I’m sure it was fine. He said he wanted to know about you. Are you ok??

  Yes, of course I am. I’m trying not to go crazy over a guy I barely know.

  How’s that going!?!?! You already know him better than you knew Scott after a year.

  Jeez, if that wasn’t the truth. Austin showed me who he really is with the first message he sent. I saw his heart, and that’s all I’ve been able to think about for six freaking months. And what I got from him today only confirmed my first impression.

  I go to bed early and keep my phone handy. I try to only check my email for new messages every fifteen minutes, but in reality, it’s more like once a minute. Okay, it’s really every ten seconds, but don’t judge me. You’d be checking, too. Who am I even talking to right now?

  “You need to chill the hell out, girl. You’re getting way down the road with this guy you’ve never met.” Staring up at the ceiling I painted a pale pink, I try to talk myself down off the high I’ve been on since receiving the new message from him.

  I force myself to close my eyes and breathe for five full minutes.

  When I open them, I see it’s actually only one minute later. Naturally, I check my email again.

  Speaking of creepers.

  A new message pops up from Austin, making me gasp as I give new meaning to the term all thumbs. I fumble to open the message without accidentally deleting it. Because that would be tragic.

  Dear Maria,

  I loved your message and hearing about your family. Is there a diagram you use to help new people keep them all straight?! If there is, I need it! Your family sounds amazing, and I love that you work in a free clinic. I imagine your work is essential to so many people in your community, and the restaurant looks awesome. (Is it weird that I checked out the menu online, and I want a Cuban sandwich like right now!?) I have two brothers as well—Asher and Carter. Ash plays for the Iowa Cubs, a farm team for the Chicago Cubs, and Carter is in college at Florida State, but he plays, too, and is hoping to go pro when he graduates next year. We grew up in Green Bay, Wisconsin, and as you might be able to tell, baseball was a big part of our lives. (Duh—haha.) My dad was our coach, and his goal is to see all three of us in the majors. So far, he’s one for three, but my brothers have all the talent. Sometimes it’s more about luck and being in the right place at the right time than it is about talent. I’m so hopeful they’ll both get there eventually. And yes, I pitched in Miami three years ago. Were you there?! How cool would that be?

  I’m really close to my brothers, and they, too, were a huge source of support when Ev was sick. We’ve also got an amazing group on the O’s. Many of them—and their wives—have become like family to us since Ev was sick. They stepped up for me and her in so many ways, big and small.

  Anyway, see how it always comes back to Ev being sick with me? That’s the stuff I’m working through wit
h the therapist. She says it’ll take time, and after a while, every road won’t automatically lead me back to the trauma anymore. As you can tell, I’m not there yet. I keep telling myself how lucky I am, and believe me, those aren’t just words. I’m incredibly lucky, most particularly because a wonderful woman named Maria Giordino in Miami was a perfect match for my baby. I’m thankful for that—and for you—every day. And I appreciate that you prayed for us. That’s so amazing to hear.

  Couple of things you didn’t tell me—are you married? Do you have kids? Can you send me a picture of you since you can google me? Did you google me? Tell me the truth. LOL.

  Well, I need to hit the hay, as my coach says. We’ve got an early flight to Detroit in the morning for a four-game series with the Tigers, followed by three games with KC and four with Seattle. I’ll do the math for you—that’s eleven days away from my baby. My parents stay with her while I’m away, but I miss her so much when I’m gone. Thank GOD for FaceTime!

  Oh, and one more thing—if you write to me, I’ll always write back. Remember what I said the first time we “talked”? You’re family now. If you’d rather text me, that’s cool. See my phone number below. Feel free to use it.

  Love,