Valorous, a Tame Quantum Novel Read online

  “Natalie Bryant made her debut a couple of years later as a freshman at the University of Nebraska. There’s no mention anywhere of how or where she spent the years between the trial and college. She graduated in four years and then moved to New York to take a position as a teacher at a charter school.”

  “Tell me there’s something we can do about this Rogers guy.”

  “Oh, there’s a lot we can do. I’ll be making a call to the Nebraska bar to start with and preparing a civil suit as well as demanding criminal charges be brought against him. He’s going to be very sorry he ever fucked with her—and you.”

  “Whatever we do, we can’t make this any worse for her than it already is.”

  “I hate to say it’s likely to get worse before it gets better.”

  The thought of it getting any worse makes me sick. I lean against the wall, closing my eyes when they fill with tears. Hearing the details of what happened to Natalie shreds me. My emotions are all over the place. “I want to protect her, but I don’t know how.”

  “The most important thing you can do is keep her off the Internet and away from TV. She knows what happened. She doesn’t need to see it playing out for all the world to see—again. I’ve spoken with Liza, and we’re on it. Just take care of her and try not to worry. It’ll blow over in a couple of days.”

  That may be true, but would Natalie ever be the same joyful, sweet person she was before her life and painful past were exposed to the world?

  When the bedroom door opens, I tell Emmett I have to go. “I’ll call you tomorrow.”

  “Talk to you then.”

  I stash Addie’s phone in my pocket. “How is she?”

  “She gave me permission to tell you she’s definitely in shock and having a physical reaction to it, thus the trembling and crying. I gave her a very light sedative to help her get some rest.” She hands me her business card. “If she’s still feeling anxious or has trouble sleeping, call me tomorrow and I’ll call in a script.”

  “Is she… Will she be okay?”

  “Eventually, but it’s going to take some time for her to process what’s happened. You’ll need to be patient and let her work through it in her own way.”

  Patience isn’t exactly my best quality, but I’ll become the most patient man on earth if that’s what Natalie needs from me.

  “Please call me if I can be of any further assistance to either of you.”

  “Thank you so much for coming.”

  “Of course. Gabe speaks so fondly of you and the others at Quantum. I know how much you mean to him.”

  “He’s one of the good ones for sure.”

  “I’ll let myself out so you can get back to Natalie.”

  “Thanks again.” I step into the bedroom, where the only light is coming from the bathroom. Natalie’s eyes are closed, but her cheeks are still wet with tears. As I get closer to the bed, her eyes open. Even in the midst of despair, I feel the connection that has drawn us together since the day we met. And now that connection has ruined her life.

  “Can I get you anything?”

  She shakes her head. “Will you… Can you…”

  “What, honey? Anything.”

  “Will you hold me?” Her voice breaks on a sob. “Please?”

  “There’s nothing else in this world I’d rather do.” I’m thankful—and humbled—that she still wants me close to her after the mess I’ve made of things. I strip off my shirt and drop my jeans into a pile on the floor and crawl into bed with her.

  Releasing an anguished moan, she turns into my embrace, pressing her face into my chest.

  Tears fill my eyes and spill down my face. I can’t bear her pain. It’s as if someone is sticking a knife straight through my heart. “It’s okay, baby. I’m right here, and everything is going to be okay. I promise.”

  I run my hand over her back, which is covered by my bulky robe. Her shoulders shake with the power of her sobs. “Everyone will know,” she says so softly I almost don’t hear her. “The whole world will know what happened to me.”

  “And they’ll know you survived and thrived in spite of it. They’ll know that part, too.”

  “I didn’t want anyone to know. I didn’t want you to know.”

  “Baby, nothing could ever change the way I feel about you. If anything, I love you even more than I did this morning, and I wouldn’t have thought that was possible.”

  “It’s humiliating.”

  “Remember what you said to me once? That it took years of therapy to be able to realize this was done to you? It wasn’t your fault? Same thing now. You didn’t do this. Someone else did, and we’re going to make him pay. I promise you that.”

  “What will it matter if he pays? Everyone will still know. You’ll know.”

  “Natalie, sweetheart, it doesn’t change anything for me. I’d still choose you a thousand times. A million times.”

  She burrows her face into the nook between my neck and shoulder, and I hold her as close as I possibly can. We stay that way, her sobs gentling, until we hear a telltale yip from the hallway.

  “Fluff!”

  The excitement I hear in her voice fills me with hope. “Stay right here. I’ll get her for you.” I kiss her forehead and get up from the bed, taking a minute to pull on my jeans before I open the door to Leah and Addie, who are about to knock.

  Fluff sees me and shows me the ten teeth she has left in her fourteen-year-old mouth.

  “Fluff,” Natalie says. “Come to Mama.”

  The little white ball of fur bolts into my room and onto my bed, where she’s reunited with Natalie.

  “Thanks, Leah.” Natalie’s roommate is trying not to stare at my bare chest.

  “Um, sure. Could I see Nat? Just for a minute?”

  “Of course. Go on in.” I step aside to let her enter the room.

  “You have a dog in your bed,” Addie says, going for a bit of levity.

  “So it seems.” A herd of elephants can invade my bedroom if that will make Natalie happy. “And isn’t it just my luck that Fluff is immune to my many charms?”

  Addie suppresses a laugh. “So you’ve finally encountered the one female on earth who isn’t bowled over by Flynn Godfrey?”

  “So it seems. She actually bit me and drew blood the day I met Natalie.”

  “I might’ve heard about that.”

  “Hayden’s been telling tales out of school again, huh?”

  “I’ll never reveal my sources.”

  My best friend and business partner is crazy about Addie, not that he’ll ever admit it to himself or to her. I suspect the attraction runs both ways, but Addie doesn’t talk about him to me, and I don’t ask.

  I run my fingers through my hair repeatedly until I’m certain it has to be standing straight up. “Tell me what to do here, Addie. I’m at a total loss.”

  “Just be there for her. She needs to know nothing has changed for you because of what happened today.”

  “I’ve told her that already. I don’t know if she believes me.”

  “Keep telling her until there can be no doubt.”

  “I never expected to feel this way about anyone.”

  Addie smiles at my confession. “It happens to the best of us.”

  “I can’t lose her over this. I just can’t.”

  “You won’t. When the dust settles, and it will, she’ll remember that you were with her through it all. That’ll matter.”

  While I appreciate Addie’s vote of confidence, I wish I could be more certain that Natalie and I will get through this intact. How long will it take for her to blame me for ruining everything for her?

  Chapter 2

  I’ve wondered at times what it might be like if my secrets were revealed, but nothing could’ve prepared me to have the scab ripped off my wounds so suddenly and violently.

  I feel violated all over again.

  Fluff goes right into caretaker mode, licking away my tears the way she has since the beginning of my long nightmare. I’m happy
to see Leah, my friend and roommate, but I can tell she has no idea what to say to me.

  “I… um, for what it’s worth, everyone is pissed at Mrs. Heffernan for firing you,” Leah says. “My phone has been buzzing nonstop with texts from school. Sue even threatened to quit unless she hires you back.” Sue is the administrative assistant who runs the office at the Emerson School where Leah and I are first-year teachers.

  Or I was until earlier today when I was fired for lying on my background check and for causing a disturbance at school. As if I invited the throngs of reporters to stake out my school hoping for a glimpse of me in my humiliated state.

  “I know you don’t want to talk about it, and I totally respect that,” Leah says haltingly, “but I need you to know how sorry I am for everything you’ve been through, and how sorry I am for mocking you for being so virtuous all those times. I didn’t know, Nat.”

  Her voice breaks, and I see she’s on the verge of tears.

  I take hold of her hand. “Please don’t apologize. You didn’t know because I didn’t tell you or anyone. I wanted to forget it ever happened, but I found out today how easily the past can catch up to us.”

  “Flynn must be dying over this.”

  “He blames himself. It’s not his fault.”

  “You can see how he’d think so. I mean, before you met him, no one would’ve cared about your past.”

  “It’s still not his fault. He’s almost as upset as I am.”

  “You might have to keep telling him you don’t blame him.”

  I’m so tired. Whatever the doctor gave me to help me sleep is kicking in, and I’m having trouble keeping my eyes open.

  “I’m going to leave and let you sleep. Can I call you tomorrow?”

  “I wish you would.” I squeeze her hand. “Thanks for bringing Fluff over.”

  “I was just glad to be able to do something for you.”

  “Leah…” I force my eyes open to look up at her. “You’ve been the best friend I’ve had since my life fell apart. I just want to thank you for that.”

  “Oh God, Nat, I’ve been an awful friend to you, always pushing you to step outside your comfort zone—”

  “No, you’ve been wonderful, and most of what you said is true. It’s real between us, despite our differences. You have no idea how much I loved our normal, humdrum lives in that apartment.”

  Leah wipes tears from her face. “You won’t be able to come back now, will you?”

  “I have no idea what I’m going to do. Everything is a huge mess. I don’t know how I’ll be able to make the rent without a job.”

  “The rent has been paid for both of you for the rest of the year,” Flynn says from the doorway. “I’ve also arranged for security for Leah until things die down.”

  I can’t believe what I’m hearing. “You… you paid our rent for a year?”

  “Yes, I did, and don’t try to tell me I shouldn’t have. None of this would be happening if you hadn’t met me. Paying your rent and making things easier for both of you is the least I can do in light of the trouble I’ve caused you.”

  I hold out my hand to Flynn. “Come here.”

  Leah gets up to make room for Flynn to sit next to me on the bed.

  “It’s not your fault. You didn’t do this to me.”

  Leah clears her throat. “I’m, ah, gonna go and give you guys some time alone. I’ll call you tomorrow?”

  “Sounds good. If you see my kids… Tell them I love them.” The thought of never seeing them again is the worst part of a heartbreaking day.

  “I will. I’ll get your stuff from your classroom, too.” She starts to leave, but turns back. “I hope you know—you getting fired over this—it’s a lawsuit in the making. She had no right.”

  “Trust me,” Flynn says, “I’ve got lawyers all over it. If there’s any way to make it happen, we’ll get Natalie her job back.”

  “Good. Try to get some sleep. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

  “Thanks again for bringing Fluff.” At the sound of her name, my beloved dog raises her head to see what’s going on before she goes back to snoring contentedly in my arms.

  After Leah is gone, I return my attention to Flynn. “Thank you for letting me have Fluff here.”

  “You can have whatever you want. Don’t you know that by now?”

  “Still… She’s not very nice to you, and now she’s in your bed.”

  “So are you. If I have to take the bad with the good…”

  Despite the attempt at humor, he looks so sad and undone. I hate being the cause of that. I take hold of his hand and link our fingers. “It’s not as bad as it was before.”

  “What isn’t?”

  “All of it. The last time my life blew up in my face, I was very much alone. This time, I have you and Leah and Addie and everyone you have helping us.”

  “You’re far from alone,” he says fiercely, his brown eyes shimmering with love and intensity. “I’d kill for you, Natalie.”

  “Please don’t do that. I need you right here with me, not doing hard time.”

  He raises our joined hands to his lips and runs them over my knuckles. I love the feel of his stubble against my skin. He’s so fierce and beautiful, and he’s shown how much he loves me with the way he’s cared for me tonight.

  “Come to bed with me.”

  Fluff’s low growl is full of warning, and I can’t help but laugh at how ridiculous she’s being.

  “It’s nice to hear you laugh.”

  I pick up Fluff and move her to the side he’s currently occupying. “I think it’s safe.”

  He gets up and goes around to the other side, takes off his jeans and gets back into bed.

  Fluff starts barking frantically when he snuggles up to me.

  I find the whole thing ridiculously funny and can’t stop laughing. And then I’m crying again as I recall that I have nowhere to be tomorrow, that my kids won’t understand why I’m not there, that the entire world is hearing about my sordid past and dragging Flynn’s name through the mud, too.

  “Nat,” he says with a sigh. “Come here.”

  I leave Fluff to her rage and turn toward Flynn. As much as I love Fluff, I need Flynn’s comfort the most right now. He wraps his arms around me, and I make myself comfortable in his embrace.

  Then he jolts and lets out a cry of pain. “Shit!”

  “What happened?”

  “She bit me. Again.” He holds up his hand to show me the red marks, but fortunately there’s no blood this time.

  “Fluff! No! No biting!” I sit up and turn to my obstinate little dog. “No, no!” She gives me a look that tells me she isn’t sorry and she’ll do it again if the opportunity presents itself. “I’m so sorry.” Turning back to Flynn, I find him laughing.

  “What’s so funny?”

  “She totally gave you a ‘fuck you’ look.”

  His accurate assessment makes me laugh, too. “She’s awful! You shouldn’t have to be worried about getting bit in your own bed.”

  “So much I could say to that…”

  “Flynn! I’m being serious. She’s out of control.”

  “She’s protective of you. I respect that.” He holds out his arms to me. “Come back.”

  Pointing a finger at Fluff, I use my sternest voice when I tell her, “No biting. Or else.”

  “I’m incredibly turned on right now. Will you chastise me sometime?”

  His irreverence makes me laugh, and I forget, for a moment, about the nightmare my life has become.

  Back in his arms, I try to settle the turmoil inside me so I can rest. At some point in the last few days, his scent has become the scent of home to me. His chest has become my favorite place to lay my head, and wrapped up in his embrace, I find my happy place. Even in the midst of my worst nightmare, I feel safe and loved because of him.

  The medication the doctor gave me is dragging me under, but I can’t sleep until he knows how I feel. “Flynn?”

  “What, honey?”

/>   “I just want you to know… I’ve been afraid of this happening for so long, I don’t remember not being afraid of it. But being here with you… I’d be losing my mind if it weren’t for you telling me it’s going to be okay.”

  “It is going to be okay. I promise you that. I don’t want you to worry about anything. Close your eyes and go to sleep. I’ll be right here with you.”

  I want to talk to him. I want to be with him. But I can’t fight the effects of the medicine any longer. “Love you,” I whisper.

  “I love you, too. More than anything in this world.”

  I want to find the bastard who did this to her and fucking kill him with my own hands, but not until I make him suffer. I’m so full of rage, I don’t know what to do with it. And with Natalie sleeping in my arms and her wildebeest of a dog snoring on the other side of her, there’s nothing I can do but fume.

  I’m awake most of the night thinking about what needs to be done. When my tired brain can’t take another second of thinking about the hell I’ve brought down on the woman I love, I let my mind wander and revisit the time I’ve spent with her. From that first fateful meeting in the park in Greenwich Village to this past weekend in Los Angeles, it’s been a whirlwind of romance and passion and desire.

  I never expected to fall in love like this. After my marriage ended, I was happy to be a jaded, cynical playboy who went through women the way other men go through beer. I worked hard, and I fucked harder—as much and as often as I could. Weekends at Club Quantum were my reward for hard work. The BDSM club I started with four of my closest friends and colleagues was at the center of my life until I met Natalie and decided I need her more than I need the lifestyle.

  Last weekend, she told me she’d been raped. Hearing that, I knew there was no chance of ever introducing my dominant side to her. So it had come down to a choice—her or the lifestyle. I’d chosen her. I’d choose her every time. I need her more. It’s that simple.

  She’s everything I didn’t know I needed until she literally slammed into me and turned my life upside down. And now I’ve returned the favor by ruining the life she’s worked so hard to build for herself.

  By the time the sun comes up, I’m no closer to knowing what to do to fix this than I was before. Natalie is still sound asleep, but I need to do something—anything—so I get up, take a shower and pull on sweats and a long-sleeve T-shirt.