Delirious, a Tame Quantum Novel Read online

  “Thank you so much for everything. The plane, the movers, all of it.”

  “Anything for you.”

  He’ll do anything for Natalie—and her friends—and has proven that many times in the months since we met.

  They load us and our suitcases into a silver Mercedes SUV, one of sixty cars that Flynn owns. Natalie mentioned that once, and I thought she was kidding until she told me she was dead serious. Sixty cars! It boggles the mind. But like he says, he could be addicted to worse things than cars.

  On the way to our new home in Venice Beach, Natalie and Flynn point out landmarks and other points of interest, none of it registering with me because all I can think about is whether Kristian will be there when we get to the house. Now that I’m finally here, I want to get to know him better. I want to find out if the attraction that burned so brightly between us is still there or if it will fade now that we’re going to see each other more often.

  I hope that doesn’t happen. I’ll be so disappointed. I’ve allowed my crush on him to get totally out of control, blowing it up in my mind into a romance with epic potential. In reality, he was probably being nice to me because he feels sorry for the single mom with cancer.

  I’m appalled by the tears that fill my eyes. I stare out the window at the passing scenery as I try to get myself under control. With everything else I’ve got to deal with, including a new home, a new job and two kids who’ve been uprooted from the only life they’ve ever known, I simply don’t have time to obsess about a man.

  But then we arrive in Venice Beach and pull up to the bungalow that now belongs to us, thanks to Flynn’s sister Ellie. The street is lined with some of the nicest cars I’ve ever seen, including a black Range Rover, a gray Jaguar, a Porsche and something else I don’t recognize, but it looks expensive. I begin to feel hopeful again. Does one of those fancy cars belong to Kristian? I have no idea what he drives, but it’s probably something amazing.

  In the driveway is a black Audi sedan that looks new. The porch is decked out in balloons, and the yard is full of friends waiting to greet us. My heart pounds with excitement as I take in the familiar faces—Marlowe, Leah, Emmett, Sebastian, Addie, Hayden, Ellie and Jasper.

  Everyone is here. Everyone, except Kristian.

  Chapter 2

  My friends are simply unbelievable. I start crying the minute I step out of the car, and I don’t stop for what feels like an hour as they hug me and the kids, show me what they’ve already done to make the house our home and present me with keys to the car in the driveway, a company car being made available to me to use as I see fit.

  It’s too much—and not enough, because Kristian isn’t here, and that makes what should be one of the best days of my life a little less than it would’ve been if he’d been part of it. I want to ask about him, but I don’t dare show my hand where he’s concerned. If it were just me and Nat, I might ask her, but I can’t ask about him with his closest friends and business partners all around me.

  Ellie left me the grill on the back deck, and Hayden fires it up to cook burgers under Addie’s supervision. We eat on the deck, enjoying the warm Southern California sunshine, sitting on the gorgeous teak furniture that Ellie has also left for me after moving in with Jasper.

  “I have palm trees in my backyard,” I proclaim during a quiet moment, making them laugh. “Sorry, but it’s the little things.”

  “You have lemon and orange trees, too,” Ellie says, pointing them out to me.

  “Do you eat the fruit?”

  “Absolutely.”

  “That is amazing—and don’t laugh at me. I’m still getting used to the fact that I have a yard, let alone trees bearing fruit that I can actually eat.”

  “It’s a big culture shock to move here from New York,” Natalie said. “It took me a while to get used to having a yard, too.”

  “So where’s Kris?” Flynn asks the others.

  The question has me sitting up straighter, hardly breathing as I wait to hear what they say.

  “No fucking clue,” Hayden says. “He hasn’t been answering calls or texts.”

  “Do we know he’s okay?” Flynn asks, seeming alarmed.

  “We assume he is,” Hayden says, “until we hear otherwise.”

  Now I’m worried that something has happened to him. Was he in an accident or… No, stop. He’s a grown man with a life of his own. Maybe he had other plans.

  “It’s weird because he said he would be here today,” Marlowe says.

  Okay, well… What does that mean? Did he think it over and decide he didn’t want to be part of my welcoming committee after all? That would totally suck. I feel like a balloon that’s been hit by a pin. Deflated.

  “I’ll track him down later,” Jasper says, seeming unconcerned.

  From what I’ve observed in the past, Jasper is Kristian’s closest friend. If anyone would know whether we should be worried or where to look for him, it’s Jasper.

  “He probably left his phone somewhere again,” Addie says.

  I want to ask if he loses his phone frequently, but again, I can’t bring myself to voice the question because I don’t feel I have a right to ask about him. I want to know everything about him, and that isn’t creepy or anything. Needing a moment to get myself together, I check on the kids, who are running around in their new yard, and stand to begin cleaning the paper plates from the table.

  “Let me help,” Natalie says, gathering bowls of potato chips and tossed salad and following me inside.

  “Do I have you to thank for fully outfitting my kitchen with things like plastic wrap?” I ask her as I use the wrap to cover the bowls.

  “I might’ve had something to do with that.”

  I can tell I take her by surprise with a tight hug. “You have to be the best friend anyone has ever had. Thank you for all you and Flynn did. I love it all, especially the white hydrangeas.”

  She hugs me back. “We’re so glad you’re finally here. I couldn’t wait for today.”

  “What you all have done here… You’ve made everything so easy for me and the kids.”

  “We love you,” she says, her sweet, simple words moving me to tears.

  “I love you, too. All of you. I can’t believe I’m hosting a cookout for Flynn Godfrey, Hayden Roth, Marlowe Sloane and their closest friends.” I laugh as I wipe tears from my cheeks.

  “In a few months, you’ll forget they’re celebrities, and every time you see them, they’ll just be your friends.”

  “How is this my life now?”

  “We have Fluff to thank for all of it,” she says, referring to her fourteen-year-old dog, who broke free of her on a walk last winter and ended up biting Flynn. The rest, as they say, became the stuff of Hollywood films when Flynn the movie star fell for Natalie the school teacher.

  “Thank goodness for Fluff.”

  “Leah and I say that every day.” Natalie’s former New York roommate has also relocated to LA to work as Marlowe’s assistant.

  “How is Fluff getting along with Flynn these days?”

  “They’re BFFs. He calls her his daughter, and she hasn’t bitten him in months. I think they’ve turned the corner.”

  “That’s so cute.”

  “She’s a holy terror, but she’s our holy terror.”

  I glance at the deck, where everyone else is enjoying drinks and the sun. “Could I ask you something?”

  “Of course.”

  “Is it weird that Kristian didn’t come today? I sort of thought, you know…” I’m so embarrassed and anxious that my body feels like it’s been plugged into a heater.

  “That he had a thing for you?”

  Her blunt comment makes me even more uncomfortably warm. “I wouldn’t go that far.”

  “Why not? We all saw it. He could barely take his eyes off you from the minute you met at my wedding and every time you’ve seen each other since.”

  “I’ve seen him exactly four times.”

  “Okay… All four times, he was obvious
ly into you. So where is he today? As far as I know, he was looking forward to you getting here as much as I was.”

  “Why do you say that?”

  “Because he confirmed the date with me—several times. The car in the driveway? He did that. And last weekend, when we were all at Hayden and Addie’s, he asked if everyone was planning to be here today to help you get settled.”

  Hearing he did all that has me more confused than ever. “Maybe he changed his mind. About being interested.” I glance at Natalie, feeling oddly vulnerable. “In me.”

  Natalie shakes her head. “No way. No one changes their mind that quickly. Something must’ve come up. I’m sure it’s nothing. You’ll see him soon.”

  “That would be nice. I’ve been looking forward to seeing him again.”

  “I have a good feeling about you two,” she says with the big smile we’ve seen so much of since she fell for Flynn.

  “Don’t jinx me.” The emotions of the day catch up to me all at once, and when I wobble ever so slightly, Natalie notices. I hate that I still haven’t completely recovered my mojo after being ill. Among other things, I suffer from lingering fatigue that regularly creeps up on me, taste buds that don’t work the way they used to, scars and anxiety over whether the cancer will come back. I’ve heard that last one lets up somewhat over time, but I still wake in the middle of the night in a cold sweat from the fear of dying and leaving my kids without a mother.

  Natalie puts her arm around me and leads me to the sofa I sent from New York. It’s old but still in decent shape even after two kids did their best to ruin it. “You need to take it easy, Aileen. You’re still recovering.”

  “I know. We’ve had lots of excitement today and over the last couple of weeks. I thought the kids would spontaneously combust waiting for today to get here.”

  “Well, now you’re here, and you’re going to take it easy. Tomorrow you guys are coming over for lunch and a swim and then staying for the birthday party we’re having for Mo.”

  “Oh. We are?” All I hear in her kind invite is another possible chance to see Kristian. He wouldn’t blow off Marlowe’s birthday party, would he?

  “You are. If you want to, of course.”

  “We want to. Thanks for the invite.” As I smooth a hand over my skirt, which is wrinkled after the long day of travel, I try not to think about how I wore this outfit with Kristian in mind, hoping it’d make me look young and healthy and appealing to him. Despite the wonderful outpouring from our new friends, I feel oddly let down.

  “Is everything all right?”

  “Yes! This has been such an incredible day.” The last thing I want is for Natalie or any of my other new friends to think I’m disappointed after all they did to make us feel so welcome.

  “It’s okay to admit that you’re bummed he’s not here.”

  “Is it?”

  “Sure, it is.”

  “I built it up in my mind to be something it’s not. We’ve only seen each other a few times, talked a little.” But those conversations were some of the most meaningful I’ve had with anyone. I’ve thought about that night on his balcony so many times over the last few months. That one night made me want to move here so I could live closer to him. Foolish, stupid, ridiculous. You’d think someone who’s been so totally burned by a man in the past would be so much smarter and at least a tiny bit wary. “I feel silly.”

  Natalie takes my hand and gives it a squeeze. “Please don’t. I’m sure there’s a perfectly good explanation for why he didn’t come today. We’ll figure out what happened and go from there.”

  “You won’t tell him—or Flynn—that I was disappointed, will you?”

  “I won’t say anything. Don’t worry.”

  Ellie and Jasper come into the living room, smiling and laughing about something. They’re so damned cute together, and Ellie’s rounding baby bump has her glowing with happiness and excitement.

  “I’m taking my baby mama home for her afternoon nap,” Jasper announces.

  “That’s code for he wants to have sex,” Ellie adds.

  Natalie cracks up laughing. “Funny, Flynn uses that same code.”

  “Ew,” Ellie says. “Don’t tell me things like that about my brother. It’s gross.”

  “There is nothing gross about it,” Natalie assures her.

  I cover my ears. “TMI, ladies.” In fact, I’m wildly jealous of their obvious love for their partners and can only imagine what it might be like to have sex with guys like Kristian, Flynn, Jasper and Hayden. Dear God…

  “Forget about TMI in this group,” Ellie says. “There’s no such thing as too much information.”

  “That’s true,” Natalie says.

  “In fact,” Jasper adds, in his delicious British accent, “we believe the more information, the better.”

  Natalie pats my leg. “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to us. Eventually.”

  Smiling at her, I say, “I remember when you used to be such a nice, sweet first-year elementary school teacher.”

  She laughs. “That feels like a million years ago.”

  “She’s been thoroughly corrupted,” Ellie says. “Listen, if you need anything or have any problems with the house, just give me a call.” She gave me her number weeks ago when she offered to rent her house to me.

  I get up to hug her. “I can never thank you enough for this. I know you’re giving me a sweet deal on the rent, and I so appreciate it.”

  “It’s not that much of a deal,” Ellie says, smiling.

  “Yes, it is.”

  “My lady is very handy with a screwdriver if you need anything,” Jasper says.

  “Good to know.” His sexy accent makes me want to swoon. How can she listen to that all day and get anything else done besides him?

  “Darling,” he says to Ellie, sliding his arm around her, “can we play the handy-lady game when we get home? You know the one where you wear the tool belt and nothing else?”

  Ellie rolls her eyes at him. “Sorry about him.” She nudges Jasper to move him in the direction of the door. “Hope you enjoy the house. I love where I live now, but this place…” She shakes her head when her eyes fill. “I loved it, and I hope you do, too.”

  “I’m sure we will. Thanks again for everything.” I still want to pinch myself that the kids and I live within walking distance of an actual beach. We’ll be there every day all summer. After glancing at the backyard to make sure the kids are still entertaining themselves, I return to the sofa. “They’re adorable together.”

  “They really are. Flynn said he’s never seen her so happy.”

  I fan my face. “That accent…”

  “Right? It drives Flynn nuts when I get all swoony around Jasper, but I can’t help it!”

  “I was just wondering how she gets anything but him done every day.”

  Natalie loses it laughing. “That’s a very good question.”

  Leah, Marlowe and Addie come in to find us a few minutes later, bringing a bottle of wine and glasses for all of us. We sit around my new living room and talk like old friends for an hour while the guys play horseshoes with the kids in the yard. By the time they all leave, it’s after seven, and I have two very sleepy kids on my hands since it’s three hours later in New York where we began our day.

  The kids are sharing a bedroom, which they’ve assured me will be fine. For now. But as they get older, they’ll want their own space, and we’ll have to look for a bigger place to live. We have plenty of time before I’ll need to worry about that.

  I see them through baths and bedtime stories from the books each of them brought in their backpacks, and I tuck them into bed. Maddie can’t believe her bed from New York is now in her room in Los Angeles. I worry that they’re too excited to sleep, but when I look in on them fifteen minutes later, they’re both out cold.

  I go into the kitchen, my gaze drawn to the half bottle of red wine on the counter. Rooting through cabinets, I find the glasses I sent from New York and pour myself a glass of win
e, taking it out to the deck to enjoy the warm evening. I sip the wine, grimacing at the metallic taste that’s a carryover from chemo.

  I hear it’ll go away in time, but for now, it makes eating or drinking anything a chore. My doctor in New York has been urging me to start drinking protein shakes because he’s concerned about how much weight I’ve lost. I’ve never been so bony or fragile, which has made me extremely self-conscious about my appearance for the first time in my life. And my weight isn’t the only thing that’s different. My stick-straight hair is growing back curly! It’s the strangest thing. Sometimes when I look in the mirror, I barely recognize myself.

  I’m determined to get healthy again this summer, to put on some weight and to lose the sickly looking pallor that has left me with deep dark circles under my eyes and overly prominent cheekbones. Hell, all my bones are overly prominent. The kids and I are going to take full advantage of the beach we can walk to from our new home, and I’m going to lie in the sun without a single worry about wrinkles. When you’ve battled a deadly disease, you don’t worry about stupid things like wrinkles. That said, however, I’ll still lather on the sunscreen because I never want to hear the word “cancer” again.

  I take another sip of my wine, but the taste is so bad that I put it aside and hope my taste buds will eventually get back to normal. I’ve read it can take months for that to happen, and sometimes it never happens. That would truly suck, because back in the day before I got sick, I used to love to eat. I loved my cocktails, too.

  My thoughts wander again to Kristian. I hope wherever he is, that he’s okay. I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised that he probably changed his mind about the flirtation or whatever it was with me. Why would he, who could have any woman in the universe, want to take on a skinny, half-bald, single mom who might still succumb to a fatal illness?

  I start to laugh, and then I’m crying, tears leaving hot streaks on my cheeks as I try to accept that it’s not going to happen with him.

  Now I just have to find a way to live with the disappointment.

  Chapter 3