It's Only Love Page 16

  She wasn’t entirely sure she was doing the right thing by encouraging him to talk about the event that had triggered his reaction tonight. Too bad she couldn’t consult with Hannah, but her sister was still at the party and Gavin . . . He was pouring himself a fortifying drink of amber-colored liquor.

  Raising the bottle in her direction, he silently asked if she wanted a drink.

  Ella nodded. She needed the fortification as much as he did.

  Bringing two glasses, Gavin joined her on the sofa. He’d stoked up the fire in his woodstove, and the room was warm and cozy.

  “We don’t have to do this, you know,” Ella said.

  Swirling the liquid around in his glass, he watched it closely. “I’ve never talked about it with anyone.”

  His confession took her breath away. “Ever?”

  He shook his head. “Of course my parents and Hannah and I have talked about funny memories and we’ve paid tribute on anniversaries, the annual road race and now the inn. But I’ve never talked to anyone about what losing him did to me.” He finally looked at her. “Except for you. That day at Homer’s funeral, when we were on the porch swing . . . That was a first for me. I thought you should know that.”

  Ella couldn’t have spoken if she had to. She reached for his free hand and cradled it between her hands.

  “I suppose it’s obvious to everyone that it wrecked me because of the way I’ve acted at times. I’m not proud of that, but I’ve learned there’s no rhyme or reason when something like this happens. Grief affects everyone differently.” After a long pause, Gavin said, “I’ve been thinking over the last few days that if we’re going to do this, really do it the right way, you should know what you’re getting. And what happened tonight . . . I guess that just proved that I’m not as far along in this process as I ought to be by now.”

  “I want to know, Gavin. If we share the load it won’t be so heavy for you to carry alone. And there’s no timetable. No one is holding up a stopwatch and timing how long it takes you to get over your brother’s death. I’m certainly not doing that. I fully expect that you’ll never completely get over it.”

  “You’re so sweet.” He put down his glass and ran his thumb over her jaw. “So strong and capable. I’m afraid of using your strength as a crutch.”

  “It’s not a crutch if it’s freely given.”

  After a long pause, he sighed deeply and began to speak. “I didn’t want him to go into the army. I had a bad feeling about it from the beginning. Hannah did, too. She and I talked about it a lot the year they were seniors and I was a junior at UVM. He had this great opportunity to play professional hockey, and he was going to turn that down to go into the army? Neither of us got how it was even a decision. I’ve since come to know that the desire to serve at that level is either in you like it was in him or it isn’t. It’s not in me. It never was, even after being brought up by a career army officer. I’ve felt guilty about that for a long time—that he gave so much and I had no desire at all to give anything to the military.”

  Ella had to resist the urge to speak, to offer comfort. That he was talking about these things to her was a huge gift that she didn’t receive lightly. It might be the most important conversation they’d ever have. She was already surprised to hear that Gavin hadn’t wanted Caleb to go into the army.

  “The last time he was home, before that final deployment, we went camping for a few days, just the two of us and Homer, of course. We never went anywhere without good old Homie. It was the first time we’d been able to get away by ourselves in a couple of years, and we had a lot of laughs as always. But the whole time we were gone and in the days before he left, I had this low buzz of foreboding. I didn’t recognize it then for what it was, but I had a knot in my stomach the size of a fist that would not go away. I thought maybe I was getting sick from Caleb’s camp cooking or something. I didn’t know then that it was fear. Raw, gritty fear. I never told anyone that when I said good-bye to him on the day he left for Iraq, I had the worst feeling I’d never see him again.”

  “Gavin . . .” Ella brushed the tears off her cheeks, wishing she could be stronger for him, but her heart was breaking.

  “At the time, I chalked it up to my overactive imagination. He was going to a part of Iraq where the fighting was mostly over. They were there to help train the Iraqi army and to provide aid. It wasn’t about active combat. Not this time. Even knowing that, I couldn’t shake the aching, gnawing fear. I’d wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, thinking the worst. I was a fucking mess for weeks.”

  “And you didn’t tell anyone?”

  “Who could I tell? My parents? Hannah? They didn’t need to hear that, not when they were contending with their own worries.” He shook his head. “At times, I seriously wondered if I was going insane. My brother was a grown man, the toughest dude I’d ever known. He was a highly trained army officer who could kick the shit out of anyone who dared to cross him. And here I was, a quivering, fearful wreck of a man in comparison. I hated myself for feeling the way I did.”

  “It wasn’t your fault, Gavin. You can’t help the way you feel. None of us can.” It killed her to hear that he had suffered so profoundly in utter silence.

  “I know, but still . . . It felt ridiculous to be so worried about a man who was more than capable of taking care of himself, especially when he’d been in far more dangerous situations than the one he was in then.” His shoulders hunched, he looked down at the floor, desolation coming off him in waves. “I was working outside of town, clearing land for a new development when my dad called. He asked if I could come to the house right away. I asked him why, and he just said . . . ‘Please come, Gav.’ I knew. I just knew. I didn’t want to go there. I actually thought about getting in my truck and driving north to Canada. I almost did it, too. Even all these years later, I’m still ashamed to admit how close I came to just driving away.”

  “No one would’ve blamed you.”

  “Wouldn’t have changed anything,” he said with a shrug. “And besides, I’d like to think I’m a better son than that. My parents needed me, so I went. I’ll never forget the sight of that blue four-door sedan with U.S. government plates sitting outside the house when I arrived. If I’d been looking for confirmation, there it was. I found out later that they’d already been to Hannah’s house.”

  Ella couldn’t bear to remain separate from him any longer. She crawled into his lap and put her arms around him.

  He was slow to respond, as if he didn’t think he deserved the comfort. But then his arms came around her, and he buried his face in her hair.

  She was relieved that he was allowing her to comfort him. He’d been in bad need of some comfort for far too long.

  “I finally went in there, and my parents . . . They were just wrecked. My mom was out of her mind. My dad had gone silent. He was blaming himself, I’m sure. He’d been so proud when Caleb went into the army. The chaplain told me what’d happened, and I remember thinking it was the most ridiculous thing I’d ever heard. He’d been blown up while playing a game of soccer? For real? It made absolutely no sense to me, and it still doesn’t. It never will.”

  Ella drew in a shaky deep breath and ran her fingers through his hair, wishing there was something she could do or say that would help him. But all she could do was listen and offer what comfort she could.

  “I don’t remember much about the rest of that day or the weeks that followed. It’s all a bit of a blur to me. The one thing I do remember, painfully and sickeningly, was that I never told Caleb how afraid I was for him. It was on my mind constantly, that maybe if I’d told him he would’ve been more careful.”

  “Oh God, Gavin,” she whispered. “You haven’t been carrying that around with you all this time, have you?”

  “I don’t think about it every day anymore, but I’ll always wish I’d told him.”

  “He would’ve laughed
it off. He would’ve said you were being ridiculous, that he was fine. You know how he was.”

  “Yeah, I do, and I also never wanted to put something in his head that didn’t need to be there. Not when he had so many other things to think about.”

  “It wouldn’t have made any difference. You know that, don’t you?”

  He shrugged, not entirely convinced.

  Ella took him by the face and forced him to look at her. “It was his time to go. Nothing you or any of the rest of us who loved him could’ve done or said would’ve changed that irrefutable fact. This was how his life was meant to play out, even if we don’t like it.”

  “I don’t like it. I hate it.”

  “I hate it, too. I hate it for you and your parents and Hannah and all his friends and extended family. I hate it for all of us. But you know what I’m certain of?”

  He shook his head.

  “Caleb would hate, absolutely hate, that you feel any guilt whatsoever about what happened to him. He made his choices, and he owned them, Gavin. Nothing you could’ve said or done would’ve changed the outcome for him, as much as you’d like to think otherwise.”

  “I don’t really believe I could’ve changed the outcome. I just like to think I could have,” he added with a ghost of a smile.

  “He knew you loved him. He died with no doubt whatsoever that he was well and truly loved by so many people. I have to believe he was at peace with himself and his life in that last moment.”

  “I hope so. I like to think he never knew what hit him.”

  “He didn’t.”

  They sat quietly, wrapped up in each other’s arms, and after a while, Ella felt him begin to relax ever so slightly. She wanted to know what he was thinking, if it had helped to talk about it, whether he was tired or sad. But she didn’t ask. She remained stoically silent, hoping he was getting whatever he needed from her.

  After a long period of silence, she ventured a glance at him and saw that he was gazing into the fire, lost in thought. She reached up to caress his face, running her thumb over the stubble on his jaw.

  He looked down at her. “Thanks.”

  “Any time.” She swallowed the hot ball of fear that wanted to lodge in her throat. Had they done more harm than good by talking about this stuff that caused him so much pain? “Are you okay?”

  “Yeah, I think I am.” He took a deep breath. “What happened tonight . . . Cindy’s story . . . I wasn’t expecting that. Things like that . . . some people can just hear them and commiserate and go on. For me, it tends to tear the scab off the wound, which starts the spinning. I might’ve gone off and done something stupid, but I didn’t do that this time. Because of you. Because you were here when I needed you.”

  “I always want to be here when you need me.”

  “Will you let me do the same for you?” he asked. “Will you lean on me the way you’ve allowed me to lean on you?”

  “There’s no one I’d rather lean on than you.”

  His smile lit up his face, and the eyes that had been so desolate a short time ago came alive again.

  “I love that smile of yours,” she said, tracing it with her finger.

  “I love having a reason to smile again. Thanks for that, too.”

  “My pleasure.”

  “Speaking of your pleasure, it’s been hours and hours since I kissed you.”

  “I was wondering when you were going to notice that.”

  Still smiling, he brought his lips down on hers for a kiss that went from soft and sweet to hot and sultry in about ten seconds.

  Ella held him close to her, loving the feel of his lips on hers, the roughness of his whiskers, the passionate thrust of his tongue. She loved everything about kissing him and being with him this way, whether they were talking about the worst day of his life or kissing passionately, she loved it all. When he tightened his hold on her and stood to carry her into the bedroom, she squeaked in surprise that quickly turned to desire. Sleeping next to him every night had quickly become her favorite thing in the world, and she couldn’t wait to snuggle into his warm embrace once again.

  He put her down next to the bed and helped her out of her clothes while she did the same for him.

  She wanted to brush her teeth and wash off her makeup, but he gathered her up into his warm embrace, his head leaning against her shoulder.

  Ella wrapped her arms around his waist, loving the feel of his skin against hers, the roughness of his chest hair and the scent of his cologne. She loved everything about him, even more so after their conversation about the worst day of his life. His love for his brother ran deep, even after all these years.

  “Will you do something for me?” Ella asked.

  “Anything you want.”

  “Sit on the edge of the bed.”

  He did as she requested.

  “Now lean back and get comfortable.” She reached for a pillow and dropped it to the floor before kneeling in front of him.

  “Ella . . . What’re you doing?”

  “Exactly what I want to do. Nothing more, nothing less.”

  He blew out a deep breath. “I so don’t deserve you.”

  “Yes, you do, Gavin.” She ran her hands from his calves to his knees and inner thighs, settling between his legs. “You deserve me, and I deserve you.”

  His fingers slid through her hair as she bent her head to run her tongue up the length of his erection, making him tremble. She loved his reaction so much she did it again.

  “Ella,” he whispered. “You’re killing me.”

  “Relax and enjoy it.”

  “Right,” he said with a tense laugh. “Relax when you’re doing that?”

  Equal parts amused and aroused, she wrapped her hand around the thick base and began to stroke him while continuing to tease the tip with her tongue. Never before had she wanted so badly to rock a man’s world with her mouth and tongue and hand.

  She wanted to give Gavin cause to think about this moment for days. Drawing him into her mouth, she sucked lightly while lashing him with her tongue and stroking him faster with her hand.

  His fingers tangled in her hair, which made her scalp tingle. “Ella . . . Baby, if you keep that up . . . Oh fuck . . .”

  She’d never before allowed a man to come in her mouth, but she’d never loved any of them the way she loved Gavin. So when his fingers tightened around her hair, when his breathing became shallow and rapid, when his thighs tightened, she didn’t stop. Rather she kept it up until he raised his hips and came with a groan.

  Then he released her hair and fell backward onto the mattress, his chest and abdomen heaving like a bellows.

  Ella licked him clean, absorbing each tremor and aftershock before moving up to rest on top of him.

  His arms encircled her.

  She closed her eyes, basking in the incredible sweetness of the moment with the man she loved beyond reason. At some point in the last few days of incredible bliss with him she’d forgotten all about her plans to be careful, to guard her heart, to be wary. She was all in and getting in deeper by the minute.

  CHAPTER 16

  Hope will never be silent.

  —Harvey Milk

  Gavin drove her home in the morning, so early it was still dark when they pulled up to her place. “I’m so not ready for how cold it is today,” he said.

  “Happens every year around this time.”

  “Always catches me by surprise.”

  “I have something that’ll keep you warm today,” she said as he followed her inside to have breakfast before they went their separate ways for the day.

  “I can’t wait to see this.”

  They stepped into the front hall and Ella nearly jumped a foot when Mrs. Abernathy appeared out of the gloaming.

  “You’re off to an early start this morning, Ella,” the older woman said. She w
ore a bathrobe and held a mug of coffee.

  “As are you, Mrs. Abernathy.”

  “Good morning, Gavin.”

  “Morning,” he muttered as he followed Ella up the stairs. “God, she scared the shit out of me.”

  “Me, too.”

  Inside the apartment, they took off their coats and Ella headed directly to the coffeemaker.

  He was right behind her, molding his body to hers and making her forget about what she’d been doing. “It’s going to be all over town by noon that we’re sleeping together. Are you okay with that?”

  Ella tipped her head to give him better access to her neck. “I don’t care if you don’t.”

  “I don’t. But your parents . . . Your dad . . . What will he say?”

  “I’m thirty-one, Gavin. What can he say?”

  “Um, a lot?”

  “He and my gramps have been on a campaign to get us all settled down and happy. This is exactly what he wants.”

  “He wants me making mad, crazy love to his beautiful daughter every chance I get?”

  She laughed. “He might not want that, but he wants me happy.”

  “Are you happy, Ella?”

  “How can you ask me that? I’ve never been so happy in my whole life.” She turned to him, resting her hands on his chest. “I’ve finally got what I’ve always wanted. How could I be anything less than elated?”

  “I like that word. Elated. It looks good on you.”

  She reached up to caress his face. “Happy looks good on you, too.”

  “It feels good.” He leaned in to press his lips to hers. “It feels so good.”

  With his lips sliding over hers and the hard press of his erection against her belly, Ella was tempted to forget all about the big day she had ahead of her at work. She wanted nothing more than to drag him back to bed for more of what they’d shared during the night. She ought to be completely exhausted, but rather she was buzzing from the incredible high they’d found together.

  “You want pancakes?” he asked, tearing himself away from the kiss reluctantly.