I Want to Hold Your Hand Read online

  “And nothing happened?” Charley asked.

  “I never said that.”

  Charley smacked her palm on the table, making the other two startle. “I knew it! Do tell!”

  “You don’t have to, Hannah,” Ella said, eyeing Charley warily.

  “Yes, she does,” Charley said. “We’ve waited years for her to start dating again. I want every detail.”

  “You’re not getting every detail,” Hannah said. “All I’ll say is I like him, I like being with him and I like kissing him. That’s it.”

  “That’s so awesome,” Ella said dreamily, a wistful expression occupying her face.

  “So you haven’t . . . you know . . . done it yet?” Charley asked.

  “Not that it’s any of your business, but no,” Hannah said.

  “Are you scared to do that with someone else?” Ella asked.

  Her question went straight to the heart of Hannah’s deepest anxiety about getting involved with someone new. If last night’s emotional meltdown was any indication of what might happen during the actual act, she had good reason to be worried. “A little.”

  Ella’s hand covered Hannah’s on the table. “You should take your time and go really slow.”

  “No way,” Charley said. “Just do it and get it over with. Until you do, it’ll be all you think about—and worry about.”

  They both made good points, and Hannah had certainly considered both scenarios. “We’re taking it slow.” The memory of his hand inside the front of her jeans chose that moment to pop into her brain, launching a bolt of heat that settled between her legs. “For the most part.”

  “Oh my God!” Charley said. “You just turned bright red! What were you thinking about?”

  Hannah shook her head. Some things were far too personal to share, even with her sisters. “I’ve said all I’m going to say.”

  “You’re no fun,” Charley said.

  “For once, I have to agree with her,” Ella added.

  “Gee, thanks a lot,” Hannah said. “You know I count on you to be the voice of reason with her.”

  Ella shrugged. “I can’t help being curious and also happy for you. He’s a really nice guy.”

  “Yes, he is,” Hannah said, smiling over her coffee mug.

  “So I have a bit of gossip about one of our brothers,” Charley said with a mysterious grin.

  “Which one?” Ella said, pouncing.

  “Colton.”

  He was the last one Hannah would’ve guessed. “Colton Abbott, man of the mountain, has done something gossip- worthy?”

  Charley leaned in and kept her voice down, as if someone other than her sisters might hear her. “According to Mom, he shaved off his beard and cut his hair, and Mrs. Andersen told me she saw him shopping at the mall in St. Johnsbury—for clothes.”

  Ella and Hannah stared at Charley, their mouths hanging open.

  “He’s got a girlfriend!” Ella said.

  “I know, right?” Charley said. “One more thing . . . He asked Mom and Dad to take his dogs this weekend because he was going to be ‘away.’”

  “Away where?” Hannah asked, truly astounded by this information.

  “He didn’t say, and they didn’t ask.”

  “We need to have a talk with Mom about her prying skills, which are definitely not what they used to be,” Hannah said.

  Charley nodded in agreement. “No kidding. I already told her I was very disappointed in her. She said he’s a grown man, and he has a right to his privacy.”

  “Since when does anyone with the last name of Abbott have a right to privacy?” Hannah asked.

  “What she said,” Ella replied gravely.

  “Exactly!” Charley seemed pleased that her sisters finally agreed with her on something. “We’ve got to do some serious snooping to get to the bottom of this.”

  “I can’t believe he left the mountain for a whole weekend,” Ella said. “He never does that. He only comes down on Sundays for dinner and to do his laundry.”

  “Apparently, he’s coming down for something else these days,” Charley said with a dirty grin.

  “Wow,” Hannah said, sitting back in her chair. “This is truly stunning. And no one has any idea who she is?”

  “Nope,” Charley said. “Or if they do, they aren’t saying.”

  “Very interesting,” Hannah said. “At least I’m not the only one you all are talking about.”

  “We’re talking mostly about you,” Ella said.

  “Fantastic,” Hannah said.

  Her sisters left a short time later to get to the store before Hunter got pissed at them for being late. He was big on family members setting the right example for the rest of their employees. Hannah agreed with him, but she didn’t share that opinion with Charley or Ella.

  Hannah had just settled into her studio to attempt some work for the first time in days when her brother Wade came in. Apparently, he hadn’t gotten the memo about the new knocking rules. “Hey,” Hannah said, pleased to see the most elusive of the Abbott siblings. His long dark blond hair was secured with a leather tie, and even though it was just barely spring, he wore a hoodie over a thermal shirt along with cargo shorts and sandals. While he most closely resembled Will, his face was more angular but no less handsome. “What brings you by?”

  He bent to kiss her upturned cheek. “I was away the other night when Homer died. I just heard when I got back to town, so I came right over. Are you doing okay?”

  “I miss him, but he was ready to see Caleb again.”

  Wade’s lips tightened as he nodded, keeping his focus on the beads on her worktable. The emotional wallop of Caleb’s death still caught all of them off guard from time to time, and Wade was no different. He’d adored Caleb in his own quiet way and had been as devastated by his loss as the rest of their family.

  “So you said you were away. Somewhere fun I hope.”

  “Just down in Rutland for a few days.”

  “What’s down there?”

  “Some friends.”

  “Female friends?” Hannah asked in a teasing tone.

  Wade shrugged and continued to stare at the beads. He was always quiet and intense, but it didn’t require much insight to see that something was troubling him.

  “What’s wrong, Wade?”

  “Nothing. You’ve got enough going on. You don’t need to be taking on other people’s crap, too.”

  “If you’re upset about something, that’s not crap. I’d be happy to listen if you need to talk.”

  He wanted to. As she abandoned her stool, and took him by the hand, she could see that he wanted to very badly. She led him to the small sofa she kept in her studio and sat next to him.

  Wade leaned forward, his chin propped on his hands.

  Watching him, Hannah became more concerned with every minute that passed in silence.

  “There’s a woman,” he finally said. “A very special woman.”

  “How did you meet her?”

  “At a yoga retreat.”

  Despite the razzing from his brothers, Wade had been into yoga for years as part of his health-conscious lifestyle. “What’s her name?”

  “Mia.” He seemed a million miles away. “We have a lot in common. She’s vegan like me, into fitness and yoga and rock climbing. All the things I love.”

  “Sounds like she’s perfect for you.”

  “Yeah.”

  “So what’s the problem?”

  “She’s married.”

  Hannah gasped in shock. “Oh, Wade! And you’re seeing her anyway?”

  “Not like that. Just as friends.” He swallowed hard and seemed to be grappling with his emotions. “I think he’s abusing her, but I can’t prove it, and she won’t talk about it.”

  Hannah’s mind raced as she tried to process what he’d said. “What makes you think that?”

  “Little hints, clues here and there, stuff she says about him that make him sound like a controlling asshole. Bruises on her arms.” He released his hair
from the leather strap that held it and buried his fingers in its depths. “You can’t tell anyone, Hannah. This can’t be fuel for the family gossip machine.”

  “You have my word I won’t tell anyone.”

  “Remember John Junior?” Wade asked, referring to the dog their father had found along the side of the road and brought home to join the family. True to their father’s obsession, the dog had been named after one of the Beatles.

  Surprised by the shift in topic, Hannah said, “What about him?”

  “You know how we had him for all those years, treated him well and still, every time we went to pet him, he shied away like we were going to hit him?”

  “It used to make me sad that he had so little faith in us even after all that time.”

  “He was trained to be afraid of people at an early age. Mia is like that, too. She can’t bear to be touched, shies away from hugs, flinches at the slightest noise. All the signs are there, but she won’t admit anything is wrong, and it makes me crazy that I can’t do a damned thing to help her when I know she’s in trouble.”

  “When you spend time with her,” Hannah asked, treading lightly out of fear that her always-reticent brother might stop talking, “how does that go? Where does her husband think she is?”

  “At yoga. We meet at a restaurant twenty miles from her house so there’s no chance of running into anyone she knows.”

  “And these meetings . . .”

  “All we do is talk. I swear to God, that’s all we’ve ever done.”

  “Do you talk to her between meetings?”

  “By e-mail. She can’t take a chance on calling me, but she has my numbers at home and at work and my address and every possible way to get in touch with me. Just in case.”

  “In case of what?”

  “In case she ever needs me.”

  “Wade—”

  “Don’t. Please don’t tell me I’m playing with fire because I already know I am. But what am I supposed to do? Forget she exists and go on with my life like I never met her? You have no idea how much I wish I’d never met her, because she’s all I think about.” His voice broke ever so slightly. “And I can’t have her.”

  Heartbroken for him, Hannah rested her hand on his shoulder. “Has she talked at all about leaving her husband?”

  He shook his head. “We don’t go there. I have a feeling she’s afraid to even consider it.”

  “There has to be somewhere she can go to get help.”

  Turning to face her, he said, “You think I haven’t tried that? But she won’t even admit something is wrong, so how am I supposed to get her help? It’s a fucking mess, and I’m smack in the middle of it even though I know I shouldn’t be. I can’t seem to help it though.”

  “There’s nothing wrong with caring about someone or trying to help them.”

  “Yes, there is if it puts her—and maybe even me—in danger of some sort. I can’t even think about what might happen to her if he ever discovers we’re friends. The thought of that keeps me awake at night.”

  “How long has this been going on?”

  “A year this month.”

  “Wade! Oh my God! A year?”

  “Trust me, there’s nothing you can say that I haven’t already said to myself. But you really can’t tell anyone, Hannah. I mean it. I only told you because I had to tell someone, and you’re the only one who isn’t all up in my grill all the time trying to get me to be like the rest of you.”

  Hannah tugged on his shoulder, encouraging him to let her hug him.

  He sagged against her, seeming so defeated and exhausted that she ached for him.

  “I’m here. No matter what happens, I’m here, and I’ll do anything I can to help you—and Mia.”

  “Thanks, Han. And for listening, too.”

  “Any time.”

  “I’d better get to work. I’ve been off the last few days, and I’m sure the place didn’t shut down while I was gone.” Fittingly, he ran the health and wellness portion of the family’s business.

  “No such luck.”

  He kissed her cheek. “I’ll let myself out.”

  “Keep me posted on what’s going on?”

  Nodding, he got up and left the room.

  Watching him go, Hannah feared for Mia—and for him.

  CHAPTER 12

  Caleb is acting strange and secretive. I’d be worried he had someone else if he wasn’t with me every minute of the day except for when he’s in class or at practice. Not sure what’s going on. Hunter and Will were no help at all when I tried to get it out of them.

  —From the diary of Hannah Abbott, age twenty-one

  When Cameron called later that afternoon, Hannah took the call and apologized for not being available the night before.

  “It’s totally fine,” Cameron said. “I’m exhausted after the big move, and a night at home was just what we needed.”

  “Things are going well then I take it?”

  “Mmm,” Cameron said. “Very well.”

  Hannah laughed at the satisfaction she heard in her new friend’s voice.

  “Sorry. I don’t mean to be so giddy.”

  “You should be giddy and enjoy every second of your happiness.”

  “I had no idea what I was missing in life until I met your wonderful brother.”

  “He is quite wonderful.”

  “Anyway, as much as I’d happily talk about Will all day, that’s not why I called. I have a little time this afternoon and was hoping we could get together to talk about the retreat.”

  “I’d love to. How about I come to you? The diner at two?”

  “Works for me. See you then.”

  “Thanks, Cameron.”

  Hannah managed a couple of hours of work in the studio and packaged several matching sets of earrings, bracelets and necklaces to take to Will at the store before she broke for lunch. All morning she’d thought about the idea Cameron had approached her with to make the home Caleb had left her into a retreat tailored to women who’d lost their spouses to war.

  She loved the idea of bringing people together to share their losses and heal together. The house was far too big for one person to rattle around in alone, and giving it a purpose, especially one dedicated to Caleb’s memory, had appealed to her from the first time Cameron suggested it.

  Filled with ideas about how they might use the space, she wandered upstairs, opening doors and peering into unused rooms, imagining them full of women working as she was to put their lives back on track after their unimaginable loss. She pictured new friendships and lasting bonds among those who came to Guthrie House.

  It would be known as Guthrie House, but the official name would be the Captain Caleb M. Guthrie Memorial Retreat. Hannah felt a charge of excitement as the project took shape and came to life, even if it was only in her imagination for now. Behind the third door on the right side of the second-floor hallway, Hannah encountered several boxes stacked together next to the wall. Her stomach dropped when she remembered they contained Caleb’s personal effects, sent home from Iraq after his death.

  In all the time he’d been gone, she’d never been able to bring herself to open the boxes, to touch his things, to deal with whatever she might find among his possessions. She knew it was ridiculous to still be frightened by a couple of boxes. But how could she really move forward the way she needed to as long as they were sitting untouched? There might even be things in there his parents would like to have, so it was selfish of her to continue to pretend they weren’t there.

  She checked her watch and saw that she had more than an hour before she had to meet Cameron. “No time like the present,” she said with determination that couldn’t quell the overwhelming dread that settled in her belly as she pulled the tape off the first box.

  Inside, were faded T-shirts in a variety of brown, as well as tan and army green camouflage uniforms with the GUTHRIE patch sewed over the chest pocket. Hannah ran her fingers over the captain’s bars on the collar, remembering how proud Caleb
had been to receive that first significant promotion. He’d joked about the day he’d pin his first star and officially outrank his colonel father. Had he lived, Hannah had no doubt he would’ve gotten there.

  The second box revealed Caleb’s tattered leather-bound copy of The Road Not Taken: A Selection of Robert Frost’s Poems, with a bookmark before “Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening,” Caleb’s all-time favorite poem. She used to tease him about how many times he could read the same poems over and over again, but he’d say they moved him the same way every time. A dog-eared copy of Thoreau’s Walden and Civil Disobedience and several of the military thrillers he’d loved were stacked next to the Frost book.

  Beneath the books she found a pile of worn denim and T-shirts with snowboarding logos, all of which she pulled out and set aside to give to Gavin. At the bottom of the box were several spiral notebooks that she withdrew for a closer look. On the cover of each, a range of dates had been written. She flipped open the one with the earliest date and found a variety of journal entries and drawings and observations Caleb had written about life in the war zone, about missing his wife and family, about his misgivings about the war itself and his disillusionment with the decisions coming from Washington.

  Taken in by Caleb’s familiar scrawl, Hannah greedily read the first notebook and was reaching for the second when she glanced at the clock on the bedside table and realized she had ten minutes before she was due to meet Cameron. She took the notebooks to her own room to devour later when she had the time to truly immerse herself. What insights would she find within the journals and how would she feel about them?

  It was not for nothing she’d avoided those boxes all this time, she thought as she brushed her hair and teeth in preparation to leave the house. Somehow she’d known another emotional journey awaited her, and it had taken until now, until she was on the cusp of moving forward with someone else, to be able to confront those memories.