I Want to Hold Your Hand Page 9

  The walls of the family room were covered with pictures of Caleb and Gavin. A shadowbox containing Caleb’s medals was the focal point of a wall devoted to his military career. The picture of him in uniform, a fierce expression on his lean face, never failed to stir Hannah’s emotions.

  “We’re both on the same wavelength.” Hannah tore her gaze from the picture she didn’t have at home. It was a painful reminder of how and why she’d lost him.

  “Today hasn’t been the best day I ever had,” Amelia said.

  “I had a feeling that might be the case.” She thought about the item she had in her purse that she’d intended to give Caleb’s parents, but now she wasn’t so sure.

  Perceptive as always, Amelia said, “What’s on your mind, hon?”

  “I’ve come from seeing Myles Johansen, and he gave me Homer’s collar. I thought you might like to have it.” She retrieved the worn brown leather collar from her purse.

  Amelia’s eyes filled with tears as she took the collar from Hannah. “That’s very sweet of you. Are you sure you want to part with it?”

  “I’m not really parting with it as long as you have it.”

  Amelia ran her fingers over leather that had gone smooth with age. “That’s true. We’ll keep it safe and treasure it.”

  Hannah shared a smile with the woman who’d been like a second mother to her. “We’ve decided to throw a big old Sultans funeral for Homer.”

  “What a wonderful idea! Caleb would love that.”

  “I thought so, too. We’re doing it next weekend. I hope you and Bob can come.”

  “Of course we will. It’ll be so great to see everyone.”

  It was always great to see everyone when the Sultans came together, but there was always someone missing, too, and that made the boisterous gatherings particularly difficult for Hannah. But she kept up the tradition because his friends had been so very important to Caleb, and she couldn’t imagine not doing it.

  “Are you okay, honey? You know how Bob and I worry about you.”

  “I’m sad about Homer, but it’s comforting to think of him with Caleb, wrestling and chasing balls and doing all the stuff they loved to do together.”

  Amelia’s lips formed a small smile. “I’ve been thinking about that all day. How happy Caleb must’ve been to see his buddy.”

  “I should get going and at least try to get some work done today,” Hannah said as she rose.

  “Bob will be sorry he missed you and Gavin. He ran to the store to get something for dinner.”

  “Tell him I said hello, and I’ll see you both soon.”

  Amelia stood to hug Hannah, both of them holding on longer than they normally did. When Amelia pulled back from the embrace, her eyes were full of tears. “I’m so sorry, Hannah. I’m a mess today. I keep thinking it’ll get easier, but it never really does.” She swiped at the tears as if they irritated her. “I don’t have to tell you. You’re one of the few people who truly understands what it’s been like to lose him.”

  “Losing Homer is bound to set us back a bit.” Hannah wished she could find a way to adequately comfort Caleb’s mom.

  “No matter how much time goes by, it never gets any better. Even when I’m enjoying myself I feel guilty because Caleb is still gone. If he can’t enjoy himself anymore what right do I have to enjoy anything?”

  Hannah was hit with a pang of fear over what might become of her close, warm bond with Caleb’s parents and brother when they learned she was seeing Nolan.

  Would they approve? Would they be disappointed? Would they think less of her for moving on from their son? As if she’d ever truly move on . . .

  “Don’t mind me.” Amelia forced a smile. “You don’t need to be weighted down by my woes. You’ve got enough of your own.”

  “You can always talk to me. You know that.”

  “I do, and you’re a dear. Bob and I say all the time that we never would’ve survived without you and Gavin. We couldn’t love a daughter of our own any more than we love you.”

  Hannah hugged Amelia again. “I love you, too.”

  The gnawing fear stayed with Hannah all the way home, growing and multiplying into full-fledged panic and regret over what she’d done with Nolan. She had no right to be with him if it could potentially hurt people she loved so dearly—people who’d certainly had enough pain and suffering for one lifetime.

  She could love again, even marry again if she chose to, but they could never replace the son and brother they had lost. The loss had united the four of them over the last seven years, and they’d drawn strength from each other as they coped with their overwhelming grief. At times, Hannah had turned to them rather than her own family to get her through a tough time, and the thought of losing their respect was unimaginable.

  Acutely aware of Homer’s absence in the big, lonely house, Hannah lit the fire and curled up on the sofa in the sitting room. All thoughts of work were abandoned as her brain spun out of control with worries and fears and doubts. When Cameron called, Hannah let it go to voicemail. As much as she wanted to see Cameron and dig into their project, she didn’t have it in her tonight to be cheerful or upbeat.

  And when Nolan knocked on the door and called out to her, knowing she was home because her car was in the driveway, tears rolled down her cheeks as she forced herself to stay on the sofa. It was the right thing to do.

  She wasn’t ready after all. Not even close.

  • • •

  Nolan stood outside Hannah’s door for a long time, trying to figure out what he should do. He knew she was in there, and all he could think about was how she’d left the garage in high spirits earlier after kissing him with abandon. What had happened in the hours since then? Was she upset about Homer? If so, he wanted to be there for her and help her through her grief.

  Or had she changed her mind about them?

  Last night, he’d opened the door and called for her when she didn’t answer, but they’d had solid plans then. Tonight, they didn’t, so he didn’t feel right going in to look for her, especially if she’d decided she wanted to be alone.

  He sat on the porch, his feet on the stair below, and ran his hand over his freshly shaved face, feeling like a fool now for the way he’d rushed home to shower and shave before he came to her. And he’d blown off yet another meeting with his racing team to see her tonight.

  After several minutes of contemplation, he got up from the porch and went to his truck, where he kept a cell phone for emergencies when out on road calls. Sometimes it had service, but most of the time it didn’t. He hoped for a miracle as he powered up the phone and searched for Hannah’s number in his contacts. The phone rang and rang before her voicemail picked up.

  “Hey, Hannah, it’s me Nolan.” Could he sound any stupider? He cleared his throat. “I’m outside, and I’m worried about you. Anyway, well, I’ll try you again later.”

  Shaking his head at the lame message, he found Hunter’s work number in the contacts. Even though Hunter was about the last person Nolan wanted to speak to after their confrontation earlier in the day, he was the one Hannah would most want if something had happened to upset her.

  “This is Hunter.” He sounded brusque and busy and maybe a bit frazzled.

  “It’s Nolan.”

  “Oh hey. I didn’t recognize the number.”

  “I never use this phone. I’m at Hannah’s. Her car is in the driveway, but she’s not answering.”

  “Did it occur to you that she’s not answering because she doesn’t want to see you?”

  Nolan held back the flash of anger that ripped through him. “Yeah, it occurred to me, except the last time I was with her, she very much wanted to see me, if you catch my drift.”

  “I’d rather not catch your drift, if it’s just the same to you.”

  “Hunter, I’m worried about her. I don’t know what to do. She’s been in a better place lately, or so it seemed, and now with Homer and everything . . . I’m worried.”

  “I’ll be right th
ere.”

  “Thanks.” Nolan returned the phone to the glove box and was leaning against the truck when Hunter pulled up a few minutes later in the tricked out silver Lincoln Navigator SUV that was so him. Hunter Abbott was a classy dude, right down to the soles of his Italian leather loafers. He’d always been a little too good for their Podunk town, not that he put on airs or anything like that. He was just a cut above the rest of them.

  Nolan pushed off his truck and went over to meet Hunter. “I’ll take off now that you’re here.”

  “Don’t go yet.”

  “Why not?”

  Hunter jammed his hands in the pockets of his coat and eyed the big gray and blue Victorian with an air of trepidation. “Whatever’s going on, it might help to have you here.”

  “Why?” Nolan wasn’t intentionally trying to irritate Hunter. He honestly had no idea where Hunter was going with this line of reasoning.

  Hunter continued to stare at Hannah’s big dark house. “When she came out of your office today, she was smiling in a way I haven’t seen in a very long time.” He pulled his gaze off the house and looked at Nolan. “I liked seeing her that way.”

  “What way?”

  “Happy. Lighthearted. Young. We’re still young, you know? She’s been through so damn much. I want her to be happy again, and if you make her happy . . . Just stay, would you?”

  As if he’d ever leave after hearing that. “Yeah.”

  Hunter nodded and went up the walkway to the stairs. Unlike Nolan, he didn’t knock. Rather he went right in and closed the door behind him.

  Nolan returned to his perch against his truck, resigned to wait for as long as it took. He wasn’t going anywhere.

  CHAPTER 9

  Hunter, Caleb and I are going to share an apartment at the University of Vermont. I feel sort of sorry for Hunter. He’s calling himself our “chaperone.” Caleb and I want to be in bed together all the time. Hunter is never going to speak to us again.

  —From the diary of Hannah Abbott, age eighteen

  The dark house was a somber reminder of a time Hunter would much rather forget. Hannah had kept the house dark for weeks after she got the news about Caleb, as if letting in the light would be too painful.

  He stepped into the sitting room, where the fire’s glow was the only light to be found in the house. “Hannah?” She was curled up on the sofa asleep, her face streaked with tears that made him ache. What had happened since she emerged from Nolan’s office with high color in her cheeks and a shine to her eyes? He sat next to her on the sofa and rested his hand on her shoulder. “Hannah?”

  Her eyes opened slowly, taking him in. “Hey. What’re you doing here?”

  “Nolan called. He was worried when you didn’t answer the door.”

  “Oh.” Her mouth tightened, and her eyes closed as if she were remembering something painful.

  “What’s wrong, Han?”

  “Nothing.”

  “You know there’s no point in lying to me.”

  “I don’t want to talk about it. I’m tired.”

  Hunter kicked off his shoes and moved to the other end of the sofa, propping his feet on the coffee table.

  “What’re you doing?”

  “Getting comfortable.”

  “You must have better things to do than watch me sleep.”

  “I gotta few things to do, but I’m not leaving you here alone when you’re clearly upset about something that’s keeping you from spending time with the guy outside who’s crazy about you.”

  Her eyes widened and brightened at that news. “He’s still here?”

  “He’s still here.”

  “But . . .” She sagged into the sofa. “You should tell him to go.”

  “Why, Hannah?” he asked gently.

  Staring into the fire, she ran her hand over the chenille throw that covered her legs. “Because this . . . With him . . . It can’t happen.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because.”

  “I saw you today after you were with him in the office. You were as happy as I’ve seen you in a really long time. What happened since then?”

  She stared into the fire, her eyes shiny with unshed tears.

  “Talk to me, Han. Get it off your chest. Whatever it is, we’ll figure it out like we always do.”

  Turning to face him, she smiled faintly. “What would I do without you?”

  “You’ll never have to find out.”

  “Don’t make promises you can’t keep.”

  “Hannah . . .”

  She rolled her bottom lip between her teeth and released it along with a shuddering sigh. “I saw Gavin and Amelia this afternoon.”

  “Oh.”

  “Yeah.”

  “Did they say something that upset you?”

  “No, nothing like that. You know how wonderful they are to me. I was just . . . I got to thinking . . .”

  “About?”

  Hannah focused on her fingers, which were clutched together in her lap. “There’s no replacing Caleb.”

  “Is that what you think you’d be doing with Nolan?” he asked as gently as he possibly could. His heart raced and a lump lodged in his throat as he got a better idea of what was on her mind.

  She shook her head. “No. But it’s just now occurring to me that I could fall in love again. With Nolan, perhaps, or someone else . . . At some point. But Caleb’s parents and Gavin . . . They can’t go out and get themselves another son or brother.”

  “They’d never begrudge your happiness with someone else. They love you. They want you to be happy.”

  “Intellectually, I know that. But emotionally . . . The four of us share an unfortunate bond, and that bond has been a source of enormous comfort to me over the years, and to them, too, I suppose. It would kill me if I did anything to hurt them or cause them more pain than they’ve already had.”

  Hunter dropped his feet to the floor and reached for his sister. “Come here.”

  She curled into his side, her head resting on his chest.

  He put his arms around her and held her tight. “You’re my hero, you know that?” When she shook her head and began to protest, he said, “Shut up, and listen to me.”

  Her muffled laugh was followed shortly by a sniffle.

  “You’ve been so amazingly strong through this whole thing.”

  “Not always.”

  “For the most part. We all admire you so much. You have no idea how much, and there’s nothing any one of us—Caleb’s family included—want more than to see you happy and smiling again. It’s what Caleb would want, too. I knew him as well as I know anyone, and I can say without a single hesitation that your happiness was the most important thing in his life.”

  “I miss him so much,” she whispered. “All the time.”

  “I know, honey. We all do.”

  “I’m afraid I’m going to hurt Nolan.”

  “He’s a big boy, and he knows what he’s getting into—better than most guys would. He was there. He loved Caleb, too, and he’s painfully aware of what you’ve lost.” Hunter paused before he added, “I think you’ll hurt him more if you never give him a chance.”

  She blew out a shaky deep breath. “What will people say if I’m with him?”

  “Who the fuck cares what they say?”

  Even though his vehemence made her laugh, she said, “I do.”

  “They’ll say how lucky Hannah Guthrie is to have such a nice guy interested in her. People think the world of him in this town. Your family thinks the world of him. Caleb’s family thinks the world of him. You know what people say about him?”

  “I’ve heard a few things.”

  “Then you know he has a reputation for being super honest in his dealings with customers. If you bring your car in for brakes and it doesn’t need brakes, he doesn’t do it just because he could make an easy buck. He calls you and says, ‘This car doesn’t need brakes. You’ve got another year or so before you need to worry about that.’”

  “So
unds like him.”

  “That’s who he is, and it’s one of many reasons I’ve decided he may be good enough for my sister.”

  Hannah laughed as he’d hoped she would. “May be good enough?”

  “He’ll still have to prove himself worthy of you, which is up to you to decide, but I’ll be keeping a close eye on him as will all the other men in your life.”

  “I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

  “Do you feel any better?”

  “Yes, but I’m still scared.”

  “Of what?”

  “Of hurting him, of falling for him, of really letting go of Caleb. I worry I’ll lower my defenses and something will happen to him like it did to Caleb. I don’t know if I could go through that again. I was lucky to survive it the first time.”

  Thinking of the “hobby” Nolan hadn’t yet shared with Hannah, Hunter tightened his grip on her shoulder. “I never said there wasn’t any risk involved, but I suppose you have to decide if the risk is worth the potential payoff. Judging from what I saw earlier today, it seems like it might be worth the risk.”

  She was quiet for a long time, and he wondered what she was thinking about but didn’t ask.

  “He’s really waiting outside?”

  “He really is. He’s worried about you.”

  Hannah raised her head off his chest and leaned in to kiss his cheek. “Thank you—for this and a million other things.”

  He forced a smile even as the sight of her tear-stained face broke his heart. She didn’t give in to tears very often, and he’d give everything he had to spare her another minute of pain or sorrow. “That’s what older and wiser twin brothers are for.”

  Rolling her eyes, she snorted with laughter. “You never forget those three minutes you’ve got on me, do you?”

  “Nope, and I never will.”

  “Love you best of all,” she whispered the way they had as children when their siblings would drive them crazy and they’d take refuge with each other. They hadn’t said the words in ages.