How Much I Feel Page 3

  “And I’m sure she was more than happy to give you anything you requested.” I can’t help the disgust that drips from every word I say to him. Guys like him can get any female they encounter to march to their orders just by looking at them with their bedroom eyes.

  “She assured me she wouldn’t tell anyone, which I figured would be important to you.” His shrug makes me feel small for questioning his methods. How does he manage to infuriate me and endear himself to me in the same second? He’s giving me whiplash. “And by the way, I like your hair all curly like that.”

  I reach up to smooth the ratty disaster area. “Now you’re just making fun of me.” I get out of the car and slam the door, setting out for the nearest entrance, aware of the warm breeze rushing over the hole in my hose.

  Jason catches up to me. “I’m not making fun of you. I like your hair curly. Why is that a felony offense?”

  “Because it’s not curly. It’s frizzy. It looks horrible! I spent an hour straightening it this morning for nothing.”

  “Doesn’t look frizzy to me. It looks curly. And sexy.”

  “You should probably have your eyes checked before you go digging around in anyone’s brain if you think my hair looks good right now.”

  He cracks up laughing, and of course laughter is a very nice look on him. “First of all, I don’t ‘dig around’ in people’s brains, and second of all, I think it looks nice like that, better than it did when it was all straight and severe looking earlier.”

  “You need to stop talking.”

  “And you need to learn to take a compliment.”

  If we hadn’t been about to enter the hospital, I might’ve screamed in frustration or compounded my troubles by assaulting the hospital’s new neurosurgeon. He drives me freaking bonkers—in more ways than one. In the lobby, we wait for the elevator. I push the number five and wait for him to choose his floor. When he doesn’t, I look over at him. “Where’re you going?”

  “To meet with Mr. Augustino to find out what the board decided to do about me.”

  “Do about you? What does that mean?”

  He leans against the back wall of the elevator in a relaxed pose that’s in sharp contrast to the tension that has his jaw pulsing and his lips flat. “Apparently, there was some considerable debate about whether they’re going to extend privileges for me to practice here.”

  “Aren’t you supposedly some sort of world-class pediatric neurosurgeon?”

  “Supposedly.”

  “So why would they deny you privileges?”

  “Do that search. You’ll find it highly illuminating.”

  In the executive suite, the woman I assume is Mona greets us with a sympathetic look for me and a lustful gaze at Jason. “I’m so sorry,” she whispers. “I haven’t told anyone.”

  “Thank you for that.” It occurs to me that I owe Jason a debt of gratitude for anticipating the need to keep a lid on what’d happened to me. Without his quick thinking, the news would’ve been ripping through the corridors, and I’d be a laughing stock on my first day.

  “Did that happen in jail?” Mona asks, pointing to the smear on my suit jacket.

  I’d almost forgotten about that. Funny how that disaster pales in comparison to the others that followed.

  “It was an industrial accident,” Jason offers in a grave tone.

  “Oh.” Mona’s eyes go wide with dismay as she tries to figure out what kind of industrial accident I’ve encountered. I figure she’s in her early fifties and single, judging from the lack of a ring on her left hand. She has a sweet round face and an unfortunately choppy haircut. To Jason, she says, “Mr. Augustino is available whenever you’re ready.”

  “Well,” he replies with the charming smile that makes my insides go batty and my panties damp, “here goes nothing. Wish me luck.”

  “Good luck,” Mona says, clearly enthralled.

  “Yes.” I clear the lust from my throat. “Good luck.”

  He leaves us with a deceptively jaunty wave and heads for the hospital president’s spacious office on the far side of the suite.

  “He’s dreamy, isn’t he?” Mona watches him until he’s out of sight.

  Since the last thing I want to talk about is Jason Northrup’s dreaminess, I turn the focus toward work. “Is Taryn around?” She’s my other boss, the director of public affairs.

  “You haven’t heard? She had her baby early. She’ll be out for the next six weeks.” Mona lowers her voice. “I don’t think she’s coming back, but you didn’t hear that from me.”

  This day just gets better and better. I break into a fit of nervous laughter that I struggle to contain while Mona continues to fill me in. I’m going to be either laughing hysterically or sobbing any second. The chance to work for Taryn was one of the things I was most excited about. She seriously impressed me with her savviness during my interviews. I’d been looking forward to learning a lot from her.

  “She left instructions in your office and a thumb drive with some other documents she thought you’d find useful. She must’ve had a premonition that she was going early. Let me know if I can help with anything.”

  “Thank you.”

  I step into my office and sink into the desk chair. I’m hungry, thirsty, miserably sweaty and disheveled beyond repair. But before I attend to any of those pressing concerns, I fire up my computer and open the browser to type Jason’s name into the search engine.

  A quick scan of the headlines that pop instantly onto the screen shock me to the core. “Oh my God. Oh my God.”

  JASON

  After a grueling thirty minutes with Augustino, I return to Carmen’s office, trying to prepare myself for her disappointment and disillusionment. I’d sensed her attraction to me even though I could tell she didn’t want to be attracted. Interestingly, I had the same reaction to her—instant attraction at the worst possible time.

  Arriving this morning to find her waiting for me outside the hospital, so prim and pretty and put together, had reawakened something that’s lain dormant in the long weeks since “the disaster.” The urge to muss her up, to unbutton that sexy power suit and run my hands over her extravagant curves the suit tried—and failed—to hide had taken me by surprise. I hadn’t been lying when I told her I like her hair curly and loose, as if she’d just rolled out of bed.

  The thought of her naked in a bed catches the attention of the libido I’d feared lost forever—until images of her in white cotton underwear had assailed me earlier.

  Forcing myself to put a damper on the salacious thoughts—for now anyway—I stand in the doorway to her office, arms propped over my head, watching her dark eyes dart across the screen as she reads about what a scum-sucking slimeball I am. What she won’t find anywhere in the vast coverage of what happened in New York is mention of how I’d been victimized by a woman with an agenda.

  She’s so absorbed in her reading she doesn’t notice me there until I decide she’s probably seen enough to get the gist. “Quite a story, huh?”

  Jolting in surprise, she looks up at me, and in that brief instant of eye contact I see all the things I’d feared as well as a healthy dose of revulsion that makes me sadder than I’ve been since it first happened.

  I drop into a chair, exhausted after weeks of sleepless nights tinged with heartache and real fear over what’s to become of my once-promising career. “Too bad most of it isn’t true.”

  “What part isn’t true? The fact that she was married to the chairman of the hospital’s board or the part where you slept with her for months before he caught the two of you together?”

  I’d expected the indictment, but for some reason it hurts more than usual coming from her. “The part where she didn’t tell me she was married and used me to get rid of a husband she’d grown tired of.” I watch Carmen’s expressive face as she processes the information, but unlike earlier when her every thought and emotion had been on full display, now she’s closed off, guarded.

  “You’re saying she set you up.” r />
  I nod. “And I fell for it hook, line and sinker. Her husband demanded my immediate resignation, but the board balked because of all the research money and grants tied to my work. So they voted to ship me off to their sister facility in sunny Florida. Turns out, though, sunny Florida isn’t so sure it wants me, either. And in case you didn’t know, it’s damn tough to practice neurosurgery without a hospital backing me.”

  “What did Mr. Augustino say?”

  “Apparently, he jumped on the chance to hire me when offered the opportunity. Unfortunately, he wasn’t told about the scandal, only that I was looking for a transfer. So his neck is on the line now that I’m here, bringing all that crap with me. The board is apparently unhappy with him—and me—to have been put in this position and wants two weeks to thoroughly review the situation before they decide.”

  “What’re you supposed to do in the meantime?”

  “Cool my heels, play tourist, repair my reputation. You know, the usual stuff people do on vacations.”

  “Why don’t you just quit and go somewhere else? Surely you’d have no trouble finding a position elsewhere. I read your CV, too.”

  She’s referring to my curriculum vitae, which boasts an impressive list of accomplishments and cutting-edge surgical achievements, for all the good that does me now. “Because I have years of work tied up in research and grants that’ll be lost if I leave. The only way I can continue my work is to stay within the East Coast Health Partners system. This was the only pediatric neurosurgical opening available in a state where I’m already licensed. East Coast requires us to be licensed in multiple states so we can be called in to consult on cases where needed. I’ve actually worked at Miami-Dade once before when I was brought in to assist with a surgery.”

  Carmen rolls her lip between her teeth. “Why didn’t you go public with how she set you up? You could’ve saved yourself a lot of grief if you’d told your side of it.”

  “Two reasons. One, it’s damned hard to refute the fact that her husband caught us naked together in their Hamptons house.”

  Carmen winces at that.

  “And two, she has teenage children who don’t deserve to be dragged through the mud. It’s not their fault their mother is a calculating bitch.” Even all these weeks later, it’s still hard to reconcile the calculating bitch with the warm, giving woman I’d thought I was in love with.

  “Her children matter more to you than repairing the damage to your reputation?”

  This is where it gets sticky. “My father had a rather ambitious extracurricular track record.” My dull, flat tone is the same one I’ve used any time this subject has arisen over the last twenty years. “I remember far too well how it felt to learn he was cheating on my mother. I can’t be responsible for doing that to innocent kids who can’t help what their mother is.”

  Is that admiration I see coming from her? And why does it matter so much to me? “Will you help me, Carmen?”

  “You need a team of crisis communication experts, not someone right out of school with hardly any experience—”

  “I want someone who needs a big win as much as I do. We’ve got two weeks to prove to the board that letting me join their staff won’t be a mistake. Can I count on you?” I don’t mention that her morning exploits cost me more than six hundred dollars—not that I care in the least about the money—but she owes me a favor. “Carmen?”

  She makes me wait a long time before she replies. “I want the full story before I agree to anything.”

  “Fine.” I stand to leave. “I’ll tell you the whole sordid tale tonight over dinner.”

  “Wait. I never said anything about—”

  “Please?” I give her my best imploring look.

  After a long pause, she writes something on a piece of paper and hands it to me.

  Her address.

  I’m weak with relief. “Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome.”

  “Pick you up at seven thirty?”

  “That’s fine.”

  Right at seven thirty, I park on the street outside her building and walk up two flights of stairs to Carmen’s apartment. I feel guilty about the way I insisted she see me tonight. The fact is, I don’t know what else to do. I need someone who knows the local area and can help me figure out a plan to ingratiate myself with the hospital board so they’ll take a chance on me.

  If they don’t, my career and years of research will be in serious jeopardy.

  I can’t let that happen. I’m so close to an important breakthrough that’ll have a major impact on the treatment of pediatric brain tumors. It’s important work that I’ve devoted tremendous time and resources toward, and I can’t let one conniving woman ruin all that progress.

  As I knock, I refuse to give her that in addition to what she’s already taken from me, namely my reputation as well as my faith in humanity and womankind.

  The door opens, and once again, I’m struck speechless by the sight of Carmen Giordino. She’s wearing a black wrap dress that accentuates the curvy figure that makes me want to drool. Her dark hair is down around her shoulders, and I’m delighted she’s left it curly rather than straightening it into submission.

  When I say the last freaking thing I need is another romantic entanglement with someone associated with my work, I mean that with every fiber of my being, and yet… I’m incredibly attracted to this woman.

  “Come in. I’m almost ready.” She gestures to the kitchen. “I opened a bottle of wine if you want some. Glasses are over the dishwasher. I just need another minute.”

  I can’t imagine what she still needs to do to improve on perfection, but women have their rituals, and I know better than to ask. I wander into the kitchen, pour half a glass of red wine and wander around her small but stylishly furnished apartment. My gaze is drawn to an array of framed photos on the wall above a gas fireplace. One is of Carmen with a handsome dark-haired man in a police uniform. Next to it, is their wedding picture.

  I suddenly remember what happened earlier at the police station while recalling my earlier observation that she doesn’t wear a wedding ring. I realize with a sinking feeling that she must be the widow of a police officer. Before I can begin to process this new information, she returns, bringing a scent with her that makes me want to get closer to her.

  She notices I’m looking at her photos.

  I feel like I should say something. “Handsome guy.”

  “Yes, he was.”

  “What happened?”

  “He was shot and killed on the job when he walked in on a robbery in progress at a convenience store.” The words sound well-practiced, as if she’s said them a thousand times before.

  “I’m so sorry for your loss.”

  “Thank you.” She takes a sip of her wine. “We’d been together since our freshman year of high school.”

  I ache for her. “What was his name?”

  “Antonio, but we called him Tony.”

  “You were a beautiful couple.”

  She smiles even though her dark eyes are sad. “We were happy together.”

  “How long ago did you lose him?”

  “Five years. He was in his second year on the job.”

  “You must’ve been very young at the time.”

  “I was twenty-four.”

  “Oh damn. I really am so sorry.”

  “It was a long time ago.”

  Something about the way she says those words indicates that even though five years have passed, the loss is still fresh for her in many ways.

  “Where should we go for dinner?” she asks.

  “You’re the local expert. You tell me.”

  “What do you like?”

  You. I like you. The words pop into my brain, an involuntary reaction to an innocuous question and the sort of thought I have no business having toward my new colleague. “I’ll eat anything.”

  She thinks about that for a second. “I know where we should go.”

  I follow her out of the apartment,
changed by the information I learned inside her home. While I can’t and won’t deny I was instantly attracted to her, I need to respect what she’s been through, dial back the attraction and focus on getting my life sorted.

  If I keep my mind where it belongs—on fixing the disaster my promising career has become—then I won’t do anything stupid like allow myself to fall for the beautiful young woman who may hold the key to my redemption.

  Chapter 4

  CARMEN

  I confess to having preconceived notions about the good doctor. Such as—if he looks like a sexy surfer dude and is also a brain surgeon, he must be a tool. Or, a man like him can have anyone he wants, so I expect him to be full of himself and constantly looking for a better offer.

  “So I live in the area of town known as Kendall, and we’re going to Coconut Grove. It’ll take a while, but you’ll figure out all the various parts of Miami.”

  “I had no idea it was such a sprawling city.”

  “It’s massive, especially when you include Miami Beach. And traffic is a nightmare, always.”

  “I see that.” He no sooner says those words when a car cuts in front of us and crosses three lanes of traffic to take an exit. “What the hell?”

  “Get used to it. People are allergic to turn signals around here.”

  “I thought New York drivers were bad.”

  “They’ve got nothing on south Floridians.”

  A half an hour after we arrive at a Mexican restaurant one of my friends told me about, I’ve realized my preconceived notions were grossly unfair. He’s not a tool, and he hasn’t looked at anyone but the young man waiting on us and me.

  That’s not to say the other women in the room aren’t looking at him, but he seems utterly oblivious to the attention he received as we followed the host into the dining room. One woman dining nearby with a man is practically panting as she stares at my companion.

  Women are gross sometimes. I want to snap at her to keep her eyes where they belong, especially since she’s old enough to be Jason’s mother.