It's Only Love Page 28

  Ella crossed her arms against a sudden chill, which was odd because the night air was warm and humid.

  “Scared the fucking shit out of me when he did stuff like that. The rest of them, they just went along with whatever he cooked up. You name it, we’ve done it. We’ve outrun avalanches on mountains and zip-lined in the jungle, jumped out of perfectly good airplanes. They’ve been talking lately about climbing a mountain somewhere. The e-mails and texts from that crew would make for a good reality TV show.”

  As Ella listened to him, she began to get an idea of where this was headed—and then he confirmed it for her.

  “I can’t do that shit anymore,” he said softly. “I just can’t take those kinds of chances. I can’t do it to my parents.”

  Drawn to him the way she always was, Ella laid her hand on his back and leaned her head against his shoulder. “Why didn’t you just say so?”

  “Because I’ve never said it to anyone before. I’ve never come right out and acknowledged that I’m unwilling to go along with their crazy shit anymore because my parents have already lost one son senselessly. I’ll be damned if they’ll lose another.”

  “Gavin . . . Anyone would understand that.”

  “I don’t think the guys would understand. They’d call me a pussy and say I’m a chickenshit, which would piss me off and make me forget why I can’t do whatever it is they want me to do. It’s just easier for me to keep my distance than to resist their crazy ideas.”

  “So you cut yourself off from people you love rather than just tell them what you told me? That doesn’t make sense.”

  “Maybe not, but it’s how I’ve coped. When you told me about the wedding, that’s what I was thinking about. It wasn’t about you or coming here with you, despite how it might’ve seemed. My coping mechanism was threatened, and I lashed out at you, which was the wrong thing to do. It was the worst thing I could’ve done, and I’m sorry. I hope you can forgive me.”

  “I already have,” Ella said. How could she not when he spelled it out so plainly?

  “You have?” He turned back to face her, stepping closer. “Really?”

  “Yes, really.”

  “Thank God, Ella. Thank you for understanding. I promise this will never happen again. I was such an ass. I’m so sorry.”

  “It will happen again.”

  “But wait, you just said . . . You understand.”

  “I understand what happened the other night, and I appreciate you coming here and clueing me in as to what went so wrong. That answers a lot of questions for me.”

  “But?”

  “But . . . I don’t think I can do this anymore, Gavin. As much as I wish I could, I just don’t think I can put myself through it.”

  His arms came around her like bands of strength, binding her to him. “Please don’t say that. I fucked up. I told you I would. But I’m determined to not let it happen again. I need you so much. More than you’ll ever know. I feel like my entire life has come down to you and how much I need you. I’ll do whatever you want me to do, just please don’t tell me it’s over. Please, Ella.”

  As tears poured down her cheeks, she pressed her face to his shirt.

  “Baby, don’t cry. I’m so sorry I hurt you. I’d give anything to go back to Thursday night when we were still in bed and everything was perfect.”

  “Before I ruined it by trying to surprise you.”

  “You didn’t ruin it. I did. I take full responsibility for that. I love you so much, El. I’ll always love you. Please give me another chance to be what you need. I won’t let you down this time.”

  She cried softly in his arms, wrapped up in his strength and that irresistible scent.

  “Ella, say something. Tell me what you’re thinking.”

  “The part that hurt the most wasn’t that you didn’t want to go on the trip. It was that you walked away from me over it. What you said that night . . . That’s the part I can’t stop thinking about. I didn’t care about the trip. I always knew it was possible you might not want to go or be able to . . . But that you ended it with me five minutes after we made love. I can’t get past that, Gavin, as much as I wish I could.”

  “That was a huge mistake. I overreacted. I was scared. I said things I shouldn’t have said.”

  “How do I know that’s not going to happen again?”

  “I’m promising you, right here and right now, that will never happen again.”

  “How can you promise that? If you’d asked me Thursday if it would happen, I would’ve said no way. I don’t know if I can live with the fear of something I say or do setting you off and making you walk away. It’s like walking through a minefield.”

  His body went rigid and he winced.

  “Oh God, Gavin, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”

  “It’s okay. It’s an apt description.”

  “I should’ve thought of another way to say it.”

  He drew back from her, and framed her face with his hands, brushing away her tears with his thumbs. “I love you, and I’m standing here promising I will never walk away from you again, no matter what. All I have to give you is my word, Ella. I give you my word. What happened the other night will never happen again.”

  She wanted to believe him. She wanted so badly to believe him, to hang on to his assurances with everything she had. But the pain was still so fresh, so present. The ache in her chest had dissipated somewhat since he arrived, but it hadn’t gone away entirely.

  “Ella?”

  “I want to believe you. I really do.”

  “You can believe me. I’ve had two incredibly long days without you to figure out that there’s nothing I wouldn’t do to fix this, to have you back in my arms where you belong. Tell me you still love me, that I haven’t ruined us completely.”

  “I do still love you—”

  His lips came down on hers, hard and swift, his tongue persuading her to open her mouth to him, to welcome him back in. His arms came around her, holding her in place for his fierce possession.

  This was insanity. One minute she was thinking about how she could convince him to let her go. The next minute she was so wrapped up in him again that the thought of letting him go seemed the most preposterous thing she’d ever considered.

  Because she had no choice where he was concerned, she wrapped her arms around his neck and lost herself to his kiss. Many minutes later, he broke the kiss and turned his attention to her neck, setting off a shiver that traveled all the way through her. “Take me back to your room, Ella. I need you. I need to show you how much I love you.”

  Though she was still confused and not at all convinced that taking him back was in her best interest, she joined her hand with his and walked with him to where they’d left their shoes. Without another word passing between them, they picked up their shoes and carried them as they walked barefoot through the winding path that led to her room.

  She proceeded up the stairs ahead of him, acutely aware of his eyes on her as she went. Outside her room, she used the keycard she’d tucked into her dress to open the door.

  “Tell me what you’re thinking,” he said as the door clicked shut behind them. “What you’re feeling.”

  “I feel powerless.”

  “Ella, honey, you have all the power here.”

  “No, I don’t. You have the power to ruin me.”

  “I don’t want to ruin you. I just want to love you. That’s all I want.”

  “I’m scared of how much I love you. It hurts me when you can’t be what I need.”

  His eyes filled and he closed them, his jaw tightening as he wrestled with his emotions. When he opened his eyes, he showed her his heart. “I’m going to be everything you need, and then some. I’ll never let you down again, Ella. I promise you with everything that I am, you can trust me.”

  God, she wanted so badly to
believe him. She’d never wanted anything more than she wanted to take his assurances to the bank and invest them in her future. As he kissed her neck and unzipped her dress, Ella closed her eyes and tried to give in to the desire he always stirred in her.

  But in the back of her mind was the scene from Thursday night, when he’d made love to her and then walked away from her because he’d let his demons come between them. What would she do if that happened again?

  She told herself to let go of the past, to start fresh from this minute forward and hope for the best. Except . . . She couldn’t do that. She couldn’t pretend like the other night hadn’t happened, as much as she wanted to.

  “Stop, Gavin. Stop.”

  “What’s wrong?”

  “I can’t do this. I can’t just pick up where we left off like nothing happened. You hurt me. Deeply.”

  “Ella—”

  She turned away from his outstretched hand. “And you embarrassed me in front of my family and your parents and friends. Everyone knew you were supposed to be with me. What am I even doing here without you? Dylan is a wonderful guy, but he’s not my friend. He’s yours.”

  “I wish there was something I could say that would convince you how sincerely sorry I am.”

  “I believe you. I know you’re sorry. I know you wish it didn’t happen. But it did happen, and I can’t act like it didn’t.”

  “So I’ve ruined everything? Is that what you’re saying?”

  “I don’t know. I need some time to process it. I’m not sure how I feel about it, and until I figure that out, I can’t do this.”

  “What can’t you do?”

  “This! I can’t have sex with you and be with you this way. I’m confused and conflicted.”

  He sat on the bed, leaning on his knees, his head down and his eyes hidden from her. “Conflicted how?”

  “My better judgment is telling me to get out while I still can, that this relationship isn’t healthy for me. But my heart . . . My heart cries out for you, it beats for you, it loves you and only you.” She swiped furiously at the tears that cascaded down her face.

  After running his fingers through his hair repeatedly, he finally looked up at her. “I’m rooting for your heart to prevail.”

  Though the tears continued to come, she laughed.

  Gavin stood and came over to her. “What do you want to do?”

  “I—I was going to go home tomorrow.”

  Placing his hands on her shoulders, he said, “Please don’t. Stay here with me this week. Let’s have this time together to see if we can put this back together.”

  Ella thought about it for a minute before she nodded. “Okay.”

  “I’ll see about getting my own room.”

  “You don’t have to do that.”

  “You said you wanted some time—and I assume some space. I don’t want to crowd you.”

  “It’s okay. You can stay here. With me.”

  “You’re sure?”

  Ella nodded again.

  He caressed her face, and Ella leaned into his touch. “What can I do, Ella? Tell me what to do.”

  “I don’t know. I just know I’m not ready to jump back in with both feet. That doesn’t mean I don’t want to be with you. I do. Very much so.”

  “That’s a good place to start.”

  The phone rang, and Ella moved away from him to answer the call from the concierge, who was checking on the meeting she’d requested for after the wedding. She looked at Gavin, who was watching her closely, when she said, “I’ve decided to stay for the week.”

  CHAPTER 28

  If it were not for hopes, the heart would break.

  —Thomas Fuller

  Sleeping next to Ella but not being able to touch her and love her the way he wanted to was absolute torture for Gavin. She was so close yet so far away. He couldn’t say he blamed her for wanting to proceed with caution. Until he’d proven that he intended to be what she needed, she’d be crazy to go all in again, and she was anything but crazy.

  But lying beside her, knowing what they were capable of together and not being able to have it? Torture. And he had only himself to blame for their current predicament.

  Turning on his side, he could make out the faint outline of her profile in the darkness that was offset only by the nightlight in the bathroom. She was so pretty all the time, but never more so than she’d been standing slightly removed from the rest of the wedding guests as she watched Dylan and Sophia exchange vows.

  He’d planned his arrival to coincide with the vows so he could sneak in and take her by surprise at a time when she couldn’t object. He wouldn’t soon forget the way she’d stiffened when she realized who had put his arm around her. Right in that instant he’d known he faced a huge battle to win her back.

  The battle for her love and trust was one he intended to win. He considered it a small victory that she’d allowed him to stay in her room, to sleep in her bed, to spend this week together.

  “Are you awake?” she whispered.

  “Yeah. I thought you were asleep.”

  “Can’t sleep.”

  “How come?”

  “Gee, I wonder.”

  Her saucy retort drew a low chuckle from him. “Come here.”

  “I’m here.”

  “Closer.”

  She turned to face him.

  “Not close enough.” He held out his arm to her, and waited, his heart beating faster all of a sudden, to see if she’d take him up on the invitation.

  After a long pause, she slid across the mattress, closing the gap between them.

  Gavin gathered her in close to him, wrapping his arms around her. “That’s so much better.” He ran his fingers through her long hair, combing the silky strands. “After I saw you on Friday,” he said, speaking softly to her, “at your place . . . I already knew then I’d made a huge mistake the night before. When I saw you get out of the car, and the look on your face when you saw me there . . .”

  “I couldn’t talk to you then. I couldn’t make everyone else wait when they had a plane to catch.”

  “I know that now, but at the time . . . I wanted to die because I’d put that wary, uncertain expression on your gorgeous face. I never want you to look at me that way again, Ella. I never want to give you cause to look at me that way again.”

  She surprised him when she brought her hand to cup his face, her touch electrifying as always.

  He turned his face into her hand, kissing and nuzzling her palm and feeling the tremble that went through her body. So responsive . . . So in tune with him. So perfect for him in every possible way.

  “Will you . . .”

  “What, baby? What do you want?”

  “Will you kiss me? Just that and nothing more?”

  “I’d love to kiss you. It’s my favorite thing to do.”

  He felt her smile as his lips came down on hers, finding her in the dark.

  Her arms curled around his neck to hold him in place as her mouth opened to his tongue.

  Gavin poured all his love and devotion and regret and need into that kiss, hoping it conveyed everything he felt for her.

  She kissed him back with enthusiasm that matched his own, and he had to remind himself that she’d asked for a kiss. Only a kiss. Hands that wanted to wander were restrained, held in check flat against her back, burning through the silk nightgown that clung to her alluring curves. Those curves were off limits to him tonight, so he threw himself into the kiss.

  He explored every corner of her warm sweetness, sucking on her tongue until she moaned into his mouth. Her body arched into his, seeking relief he wasn’t allowed to provide. He respected her boundaries, even as he pulsated with need and desire.

  Ella’s fingers were buried in his hair, her nails scraping against his scalp.

  God, he couldn’
t get close enough.

  By the time she broke the kiss, he was fully on top of her, his arms wrapped tightly around her while her legs intertwined with his.

  “That was some kiss,” he said, sliding his lips over hers. He couldn’t get enough of her. He would never get enough.

  “Mmm, good kiss.”

  “Do you think you can sleep now?”

  Her reply came in the form of a deep yawn.

  “I’ll take that as my cue to leave you alone.” Though he continued to ache with unspent desire, he settled next to her, his arm looped around her waist, thankful to have her there beside him.

  “Gavin?”

  “Hmm?”

  “I’m really glad you came here, even if you didn’t want to.”

  “I want to be wherever you are.”

  She turned over and snuggled up to him, her head on his chest, her hand flat against his abdomen, a mere inch above the part of him that throbbed for her.

  This was going to be a long, long night.

  * * *

  Ella woke to Gavin, fully dressed and holding a tray that included a bright orange flower in a vase. “What’s this?” she asked, pushing hair back from her face.

  “Breakfast in bed for my love.”

  “Oh, wow. Thanks.”

  “No problem.” He waited until she sat up to place the tray on her lap. “I got us a beach cabana, too, with one of those shade things. Can’t have that pretty skin of yours burning.”

  “Thank you.” She took a sip of coffee and a careful look at him. He seemed tired, restless, unsettled. “What’s wrong?”

  His eyebrows lifted. “Wrong? Absolutely nothing is wrong. For once.”

  “Why do you seem tired?”

  “Because I didn’t sleep that great. Jet lag or something.”