GansettAfterDarkKobo Page 10

  “This is somewhere special. It’s our home, and it’s become much more special to me since you moved in.”

  He stopped, dropped her hands and turned to face her. “Do you really mean that?”

  “Yes,” she said with exasperation. “Of course I mean it.” He was much better at speaking about his feelings, which was something she needed to work on if he was honestly asking if she meant what she’d said. “I was thinking earlier today that I had no idea how lonely or bereft my adequate existence was until you came along and showed me.”

  “Carolina…”

  “I don’t know if I’ve said it often enough or shown you…”

  “Shown me what?”

  “How much I love you.”

  “God, yes, I know, love. I know. How could I not know?”

  “Maybe because half the time, including during our wedding, I’m threatening to murder you.”

  His loud bark of laughter made her laugh, too.

  “Sorry about that today. I wasn’t planning to include that in the vows.”

  “I loved that you included it. I drive you to it, love. I know I do. And I do it on purpose because I love the way you look at me when I vex you.”

  “You vex me, all right. But now that I know you’re doing it on purpose…”

  “You have to still give me that look.” As he spoke, he worked on buttons and snaps and hooks. When he had fully revealed her, he stared at her, his gaze hungry and heated. “You’re so very lovely. I look at you,” he said, with his lips close to her ear, “and I want. I want you, Caro, and I’m so bloody grateful you agreed to marry me.”

  “You didn’t give me much choice,” she said, filled with pleasure at knowing he was so happy.

  “Aye, I didn’t. Left to your own devices, you’d still be deciding to let me back into your bed after you kicked me out the first time.”

  “What you didn’t know then, and I probably shouldn’t tell you now, is all you had to do is talk to me in that insanely sexy Irish accent, and I would’ve given you anything you wanted.”

  “Now you tell me! This is grounds for an annulment!”

  “Shut up about annulments and make love to your wife, will you please?”

  “Gladly, my love.” He removed his clothes as if the hounds of hell were chasing him and dragged her into bed with him.

  “Finesse. Where’s the finesse?”

  “I ain’t got none tonight. I’m like a randy goat on the prowl.”

  Carolina cracked up laughing and couldn’t stop no matter how hard he tried to distract her—and he tried very hard to distract her before dropping his head to her chest in utter defeat.

  “All this laughter isn’t good for a man’s fragile ego.”

  “You’re not a man. You’re a randy goat, remember?”

  “Poor choice of words. Are you done laughing at me now?”

  “I might be until you say something equally hilarious.”

  “I love to listen to you laugh, especially when I make it happen.”

  “Which is all the time. You have no idea how funny you are.”

  “I’m funny because I like to make you laugh. I’ve never been funny before you.”

  “I find that very hard to believe.”

  “’Tis true. My life was hardly anything much to laugh about until I found you. Losing my brothers the way I did… There was a lot of sadness. You make me want to laugh again, Caro.”

  Touched to hear him speak of losses he rarely mentioned, she combed her fingers through his thick auburn hair, hoping to provide comfort. “We’ve both had more than our share of sadness.”

  “Indeed, which is why we’re now due a lifetime’s worth of happiness.”

  “I’m down for that.”

  He kissed a path from her throat to her chest and belly. “You know what I’m down for?”

  “I’m starting to get an idea.”

  The deep rumble of his laughter made her skin tingle with goose bumps. She had learned over the last year not to fight him when he set out to overwhelm her senses, which was exactly what he was doing right now. As he made love to her with his mouth and tongue, Carolina tried to remember who she’d been before this sexy, charming, larger-than-life Irishman came bombing into her life and turned her entire world upside down.

  “I want to do this every single day of our lives,” he said as he kissed her inner thigh and pushed his fingers into her. “It’s my favorite thing to do in the whole world.”

  “Is it better than when I do that to you?”

  “Well, now… It might be tied for first place with that.”

  “Thought you might say that.”

  How was it possible that he amused her even when he was doing that to her? “Seamus…”

  “Yes, love?”

  “Let’s change places.”

  “Not tonight. I’d never last. I want to make love to my wife, and it’s been a very, very long day. I bet the person who decided there ought to be a huge party after the wedding wasn’t a guy.” This was said as he thrust his fingers into her again and made her gasp from the pleasure that shot through her.

  “Please. Come up here. I need you.”

  Those words always worked with him, and tonight was no different. Keeping his fingers tucked deep inside her, he used his other arm to move up the bed so he was lying next to her. “What do you need?”

  She laid her hand on his face. “You.”

  He kissed her with lips and a tongue that tasted of her, which didn’t surprise her. He was an earthy, erotic lover with an endlessly creative imagination. Carolina had done things with him that she wouldn’t have thought possible before him. Tonight, however, he didn’t seem interested in showing her how creative he could be. Rather, he was all about the love as he looked down at her.

  “Tell me I didn’t dream this day,” he said in a gruff whisper as he withdrew his fingers and replaced them with his cock.

  “It wasn’t a dream.”

  He pressed against her, entering her in small increments before retreating to do it again. “I keep feeling like it has to be, because nothing that’s real could ever feel this good.”

  “It’s real, and it’s good, and it’s going to stay that way.” He was driving her crazy, but that was nothing new. In bed or out, he took an almost perverse pleasure in testing her limits.

  But she’d learned a few things in the time she’d spent with him and knew how to mess with his plans. So the next time he pushed into her, she clamped down on him, making him gasp. At the same time, she gripped his ass and pulled, taking him deeper.

  “Holy Christ, woman! Are you trying to give me a heart attack?”

  “Not at all,” she said with an innocent smile. “Just trying to move things along a bit.”

  “You almost moved things right past the finish line with that maneuver.”

  Carolina laughed at his indignant expression. Her laughter—and the squeeze of internal muscles that went with it—made him groan.

  “Ahhh, love, you’d try the patience of a saint.”

  “Good thing you’re the exact opposite of a saint.”

  “Good thing indeed.” He began to move faster. “Is this what my demanding wife wants?”

  “Yes,” she said with a satisfied sigh. “It’s exactly what she wants.”

  “I don’t know what’s wrong,” Joe said, clearly despondent by his body’s failure to understand his pressing need to make love to his wife.

  “Nothing is wrong,” Janey said. She laid her hand flat against his stomach, thrilled to be close to him even if things weren’t going according to plan.

  “I don’t get it. This has never happened. Ever.”

  “It’s no big deal, babe. Just relax. We can try again tomorrow.”

  “I don’t want to try again tomorrow, and don’t tell me to relax. If your equipment wasn’t working right, would you be able to relax?”

  It took everything she had, along with a reserve pool of strength she didn’t know she possessed, to re
frain from laughing at the expression on his face.

  “If you laugh, I’ll divorce you.”

  “I wouldn’t dream of laughing. It’s not funny.”

  “No, it isn’t. Something is wrong with me. How can I be naked in a bed with you and not be hard as a freaking rock?”

  Janey knew she needed to be very, very careful about what she said. “Um, I don’t know? Would it help if I, you know, gave him some special attention?”

  “It might.”

  “You aren’t doing this on purpose to get me to do that, are you?”

  “Have I ever needed to resort to tricks to get what I want from you?”

  “No, but we’ve never had postpartum sex before either. You—and he—might be afraid I’m going to turn into one of those wives who forgets all about her poor husband after she gives birth.”

  The look he gave her was positively hilarious, but again, she didn’t dare laugh. “Are you?”

  “Am I what?”

  “One of those wives who forgets all about her husband after she gives birth?”

  “How could I ever forget about you?” She coaxed him onto his back and began with a light massage of his chest and the six-pack of muscles that rippled under her touch. “You’re supposed to be relaxing.”

  “I am.”

  “Close your eyes. Don’t think. Just feel.” Janey continued the massage, adding a string of kisses across his lower abdomen. When that didn’t work to arouse him, she lowered herself until she was on top of him, with his penis cradled in the valley between her breasts.

  He pulled in a deep breath and held it.

  “Relax.”

  “I can’t relax when you’re doing that.”

  “Yes, you can.” She continued to kiss him, adding some tongue action that usually made him crazy, but not tonight. Nothing was working.

  “It’s broken. That’s got to be it.”

  “You’re thinking, and you’re not relaxing. How can I be expected to work under these conditions?”

  “Come up here, will you?”

  “I’m not finished here. I haven’t even gotten to the good stuff yet.”

  “Please?” He held out his arms to her.

  The pleading tone of his voice had her giving in to what he wanted. She crawled toward him and loved the feel of his strong arms encircling her. She always felt so safe—and so desired—in his arms. That there could be something actually wrong between them was so unimaginable, she couldn’t bear to even think about it.

  “I’m sorry,” he said grimly.

  “Please don’t be. We’ve had so much going on, it’s a wonder we aren’t both drooling by now.”

  “I hope you know it’s not because I don’t want you. I’ve been dying for you.”

  “I do know that, it’s just… Never mind. It doesn’t matter.”

  “Don’t do that. Whatever you’re thinking, just say it.”

  Janey propped her chin on her hands and studied his face, which was tight with the kind of tension she hadn’t seen since the day their son was born under dramatic and frightening circumstances. “The way everything happened with P.J. It’s got to be on your mind that it all began right here with you and me in a bed together, making love. And I’m just wondering, if it’s possible, that you’re so afraid of getting me pregnant again that it might be messing with the equipment.”

  Joe began to protest but stopped himself, sighing and closing his eyes. “Yeah, it’s possible.”

  “Do you know that in all the weeks since P.J. was born, you’ve never told me what that day was like for you?”

  “Because that doesn’t matter now. You’re both safe, it’s in the past, and there’s no need to relive it. Once was more than enough.”

  Janey wished he could see how tormented he looked at the reminder of what had to be one of the worst and best days of his life all rolled into one unforgettable twenty-four-hour period. “I think you relive it every day and suffer in silence over it because all the focus has been on me and the baby—”

  “Which is exactly where it should be. You’re the one who went through the trauma of emergency surgery.”

  “I had it easy, Joe. I was unconscious and had no idea what was happening until it was all over and everything was fine. That’s not how it was for you, is it?”

  His jaw pulsed and clenched as he struggled to retain his composure. “I don’t want to talk about this. Why are we rehashing the past when it doesn’t matter now?”

  “It does matter if it’s still weighing on you so heavily.” She moved farther up to kiss his unresponsive lips. “Joe, honey, talk to me. Tell me what you went through so we can get past it and move on. Don’t keep it all bottled up inside.”

  He turned them so she was on her back and got out of bed, pulling on a pair of shorts with hasty, jerky movements. “I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to relive it, and if you’d been awake, you wouldn’t want to either.”

  Janey held out a hand to him. “Come back.”

  “I don’t want to talk about it.”

  “I heard you.”

  He took her hand and reluctantly allowed her to guide him back to bed. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to bite your head off.”

  “It’s okay. I get it. But I have all these blanks, you know? One minute I was napping in Mac’s guest room, and the next I’m in Providence with a new baby and a traumatized family all around me.”

  “It’s better that you don’t remember it. Trust me on that.”

  “I do trust you. I wish you would trust me enough to talk to me about how it was for you.”

  “Don’t make this about trust, Janey. That’s not fair. I trust you more than I trust anyone.”

  “I know you do, so trust me to help you get past this by talking to me about it.”

  He raised both his hands to his head, running his fingers through his hair repeatedly until the short strands stood straight up. “You’re really going to make me do this?”

  “Afraid so.”

  “Fine. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

  “I won’t.”

  He was quiet for a long time, so long she wondered if he’d changed his mind, and then he began to speak in a dull, flat tone that was nothing like his usual animated speech. “The one image I’ll never get out of my head was how much blood there was. I went up to wake you because Blaine and Tiffany were on their way over after their wedding at the lighthouse, and I thought you’d want to be there when they arrived. I couldn’t get you to wake up. I thought you were just really asleep, but then I touched you… You were really cold, and for a minute, I thought…” His voice caught and his eyes filled. He covered them with his hands as if to hide his anguish from her.

  With her heart breaking for him, Janey wanted so badly to hold him, but she didn’t dare touch him.

  “I pulled back the covers, and there was just so much blood. I almost passed out at the sight of it, but I forced myself to move, to scream, to call for David. Thank God he was there. I’d spent so much time—years—hating him for what he’d put you through and then to have him right there when this happened... There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for him after what he did for you, for me, for P.J. He was… He was incredible.” Speaking in a whisper, he added, “I’ve never been so scared in my entire life, Janey.” Tears rolled down his face, but he made no move to deal with them as he stared up at the ceiling. “Not even when my father died.”

  She went to him then, putting her arm around him and laying her face on his chest.

  His arm locked around her. “It was a fucking nightmare, from the second I saw the blood until you woke up in Providence four hours later. The whole time, I thought I was going to lose you—and the baby. David and Victoria operated right there in the clinic, and even though I was completely panic-stricken, I knew they couldn’t possibly be equipped for an emergency of this magnitude. And it turns out, they weren’t, but they made do with what they had because they didn’t have any choice. From all accounts, David was fuck
ing amazing during a surgery he’d never done by himself before. Victoria and Mason both made a point of telling me that later. Without him…” He released a deep breath. “We were so lucky he was dating Daisy, and she brought him to Mac’s, otherwise he never would’ve been there. I would’ve lost you because we wouldn’t have had time to track him down, to get you help. That’s the part that haunts me, how your life—and our son’s life—came down to shit luck. The randomness of it all is hard to live with.”

  “We were very lucky that day,” Janey said softly. “But we’ve been very lucky for a long time when you think about it. We were lucky to be born to great parents who loved us, to have an amazing life on this island we love so much, to have wonderful friends and families who love us. We’ve always been surrounded by good luck, so it stands to reason that our luck would hold when we needed it most.”

  “I suppose.”

  “I’m really proud of the way you held up during all of it. From what I heard, David wasn’t the only one who was amazing. You were, too.”

  “No, I wasn’t.”

  “How can you say that? You got me help when I needed it and stayed strong during a crisis. You’ve been my rock through it all.”

  “You wouldn’t say that if you knew everything.”

  “What don’t I know?”

  Joe rubbed at the late-day stubble on his jaw. “When David was taking you into surgery… I told him… I said…”

  “What did you say, Joe?”

  “That if it came down to a choice—you or the baby—I wanted him to save you. And now I look at our beautiful son, and I remember how easily I chose you over him, and I hate myself for that.”

  “Joe, God, I would’ve done the same thing. You hadn’t even met him yet, and you’ve loved me for years. Anyone would’ve done the same thing.”

  “Still… It makes me sick to think about it now that I can hold him and touch him. Now that I love him, too.”

  She put her hand on his face and turned him to look at her, brushing away his tears as she kissed him. “I love you so much. I love the all-consuming way you love me. I’ll never forget that day on your deck when you told me you’d been in love with me for years. I was shocked and not shocked at the same time. With hindsight, I think I’d known all along that you loved me like that. To hear that in the midst of the biggest crisis of your life you picked me above everything else only makes me love you more than I already do. It doesn’t mean we don’t love P.J. with all our hearts. It only means that he got lucky to be born to parents who love each other so much.”